and the only thing I could think was,
.. I hope my hair smelled nice.





moving right along. I am.









maybe.

I took a long walk today alone, in newark. I don't really remember the last time I walked around alone when I wasn't in a city. it kind of reminded me how much I love being alone. I hope I end up in the middle of nowhere, with a front porch.


I think I take back the thing about the tape and you.

it'd be even cuter if it was on a tape.

you'd be even cuter if you stopped paying so much attention to me.

"I could tell by the green in your brown eyes."

vicious cycle.


interested.
uninterested.
uninterested.
interested.
so so so interested.

I don't really think I need to put anything into words anymore.

so excited for whatever summer's going to bring. the air conditioning feeling, the trapped in a boat feeling, the thunderstorm feeling.

before I left my house monday night, I mentally said "this is going to be a good night because I'm going to let it be." monday turned out to be one of the best nights I've had in 2010 and I've had so many good nights in 2010.

watching everything fall into place. school's almost out. I know some really amazing people.

MY LIFE RULES.

the nostalgic days when I want to move back home. I really really just want the comfort of my mom every day. I miss that so much. it seems as if the easier it is to make me happy, the further away it seems. the ball IS always in my court, I'm just at a loss right now. identifying the problem is so simple, finding a solution is so simple, putting myself to the test is where I'm stuck. I'm only mad because this is all so petty. I know none of this will matter in a year, but the more I look at the bigger picture, maybe it will matter.

it's a thursday night. I have a headache. I should get some sleep.

Talk To You Soon - when I'm in a band, I'm going to write a song about boys and it's going to be titled that. story of my sad, 14 year old minded life.

but hey, I'M driving to pennsylvania tomorrow to see toby foster.

bored.

my room's a mess and I can't seem to keep it organized. symbolic?

it's been a crazy last couple of months.

my new lil baby:

don't really expect anyone to..

we're in a swirl of colors

if we stay quiet, we can stay here

the minute something so beautiful is discovered,

the minute it will be taken away.

you come in all different forms,

different shapes, different milligrams,

i try to hide you the best that I can,

but everyone wants you

our mothers,

our fathers,

our friends,

but you were different then

in the back of your father's house

where you'd sneak me in

and we'd tip toe around each other

until we fell into a dark dark crash

and that's when we all woke up.

"know that I'm in motion to occasionally think of you. just hope you that you realize that when you sit here by my side, whatever that implies would be just fine. my heart beats like a tambourine, it plays along in time."

everything just kind of has a way of falling into place. I'm still trying to figure out how it's already the middle of may. finals start next week then I'm out for potentially one of the best summers of my life.

I'm starting a new notebook soon. I want to start watching more films. never ever though I'd say it, but I want to be a little less consistent. I need it.

in the end, everything comes together. today enforced that in a different way. my mind was blown.

my "want what I can't have" mentality is ridiculous. sorry pt. 2.

states length away from you.

didn't know this feeling existed until now. I know it's absolutely ridiculous. I don't really know what I'm looking for. all I know is a phone call, a text message, a facebook message, or even just seeing you would make me the happiest girl in the world.

it happened a week ago tonight. fuzzy frankness under unsightly yellow lights. and the display of your seemingly submissive heart. it's always over before it fucking starts.

always feeling like a zombie during the week.

acme cashier, I hope your hair grows faster and you get it to your desired length. thanks for making my night. same goes to you, old man with the dietary tips.. I hope you enjoy soy milk.

it's not wrong if it's mutual... right? right?

fuck.

someone recently told me that those with the sloppiest of handwriting, have the most to say. I think I really agree with that. so, I sent out a letter today. that felt good. there's a lot to be smiling about these days.

"you surprise me with new cocoons every time they start to fly."

last night was reassuring. the ball really IS in my court.

today's been exceptionally good. for no particular reason, the sun's just shining and I'm learning to love it more. I have no idea what the day has in store for me, but for now, I'm just going to sleep it all off. I'm almost always running on less than 6 hours of sleep and it's definitely catching up to me.

tomorrow! tigers jaw's coming to newark, which is exciting. as well as the fellow jerseyans, so tomorrow's going to be full of lots of love. saturday, we're taking the 6 hour drive to boston, FINALLY. this weekend has the potential to be one of the best weekends of my life.

if only you knew... I think we'd all be so much nicer to one another.

I turned on the AC to make it feel like summer,

but then I remembered you.

I told you last night you gave me butterflies. you surprise me with new cocoons every time they start to fly. I instantly felt like an idiot, embarrassed of the person controlling my mouth. my mouth, it's always in a melee. figuring out how as it talks. your response was comforting. I guess, I guess I gave you butterflies too.

I want my hands in your hair, I want my hands in your hair. pulling your face closer,

and closer,

and closer,

and closer

when it becomes physical, it becomes unbearable.

watered down.

not even I understand why I do the things I do. if I do, I'm too afraid to admit it. I think this is the core of my frustration. I can't talk to anyone about this because no one gets it and that's my fault. at least this leaves me constantly writing in my little notebook and wanting to find new things to keep me going.

I guess you were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. eventually, though, I realize that some things just aren't meant to be.

this morning, I woke up still feeling a little buzzed and sticking to a bed due to all of the humidity. there were chocolate goldfish crumbled all over me. I was laying next to my best friend and some people I just started hanging out with were laying on the floor next to me. I then walked around the state of delaware for two hours trying to get to tesla's car. I had a shirt wrapped around my foot because my shoe broke, I have never been that dirty in my life, and I was running on less than 2 hours of sleep.

these are the mornings that make me realize how much I love my life. easily easily easily

where are you?