Tonight, pretend you're an acrobat and you're being thrown on top of the world

Whenever I start feeling like this, I put on Lafcadio and try to write it all down. That's what I'm doing right now.

Last night, I was in my living room surrounded by people I've considered family for the past five years. We were exchanging gifts, drinking wine, and laughing.. it felt so genuine and happy until I felt a sickening emptiness. I tried pushing it back as far as I could, but I couldn't any longer. I had to go into my room and try to justify what I was feeling.

All my mind could do was flashback to exactly one year ago when we were in a distant relative's living room and I felt so complete. You were alongside of me in your tie and you just kept smiling, despite not being able to understand what anyone was saying. I felt so lucky to have a boyfriend that would put up with that for me. You bought me a little purple dress and a sweater and your adorable crooked smile seemed so excited to give me those gifts. I was so excited to finally give you all the gifts I had been working on for a month. I just remember sitting by the Christmas tree's light and being so happy. It was the first Christmas in my entire life that I didn't feel like something was missing. Growing up with only a handful of people to actually call family, I always felt so alone standing in a room full of half-strangers who were family by marriage. I felt welcomed, but in the midst of hugs and kisses, I knew I wasn't REALLY supposed to be there. Having you by my side last year and feeling so loved is a feeling I'll always miss.

I wonder how your Christmas went. I wonder if your parents bought your new girlfriend gifts like they would always buy me. I wonder if you went to her family's house for Christmas Eve and if she came over your's for Christmas dinner. There are so many things that I still wonder. I wonder if you tell her all the secrets you told me. I wonder if she knows of all the things you're terrified of, even though you say you're not. I really wonder if she loves you the way that I loved you. I really don't know if that's at all possible. I wonder if you love her more than you ever loved me. Most of all, I wonder if you're really as happy as you seem.

There are very few times that I miss you. You being you. You are the person you are. There are a million things that I miss about you and I together. I miss twisting our bodies together in strange ways, but being so comfortable when we would go to sleep. I miss waking up to bowls of your oatmeal and cranberry juice. I miss your love of juice boxes. I miss driving around at night in your car, while you smoked cigarettes and I'd lay in your lap. I miss buying pizza and laying in my room to eat it every Friday night. I miss lazy Sundays when you'd carry my laundry down the stairs for me and we'd eat dinner with my grandma. I miss walking to the dock and talking about how scared of change we were. I miss staying up until four in the morning just laughing. I miss waking up in hot bedrooms and sitting outside while you smoked your morning cigarette and we waited for my grandma to pick us up. I miss all of our stupid inside jokes. I miss Queen Mary. I miss sneaking into your house. I miss us bickering and then you buying me milkshakes to make up for it. I miss holding hands in weird ways that described how we felt at the time. I miss you blowing in my mouth. I miss how incredibly in love we were for those few months.

I could name all of the things that I miss for days. What I don't miss is you. I don't miss you making me cry alone in my room day after day because you never cared enough. I don't miss you purposefully not inviting me along with you to your friend's parties because you didn't like being around me anymore. I don't miss you being okay with me wanting to kill myself. I don't miss you always telling me to get over it. I don't miss always second guessing myself. I don't miss begging you to spend time with me. I don't miss me constantly trying to work up the courage to leave. I don't miss how unhappy I was. I don't miss you. I'll never miss YOU.

When you're in a relationship with someone for two years, that's the title that they earn. They're always going to be your ex boyfriend or girlfriend. Unlike someone you dated for a couple months, they can be that person you dated but are also friends with. I'll never be able to look at you and call you just a friend. You'll always be my first love and my first heartbreak. You'll always hold that extra baggage with you. More than anything, I want to be able to call you just to talk. I want to be able to get coffee with you and it not be weird. I want you in my life more than you know. When you're constantly pushing me aside and basically forcing me out of your life, I can't help but feel like I made those two years absolutely miserable for you.

Just a year ago, you were crying and telling me how much you loved me and how sorry you were for ever treating me badly. You told me that I was your stability and you were so glad I was in your life. We were at the highest point in our relationship. We WANTED to spend time together again. We adopted a cat together and I really thought we would be together for many years to come. You set the most beautiful table and then you ripped the tablecloth off faster than I could stop you.

The way it ended will always affect the way I look at our relationship. I'll never be able to forgive you for breaking my heart so carelessly as you did. I'll never be able to get over that you never cared. You never once told me you missed me. You never tried to maintain a relationship. What the fuck was I all those months, then?

What will always hurt the most is that right now, you're probably with your new girlfriend and hardly remember all that happened one year ago today. I always did and I always will care about you more than you care about me.