distant lover, your voice cracks. and when you call out my name, what do you expect to receive? because it's always been me. always been me.

the day I realize that all the leaves are back is a strange one. it's as if winter never happened. but this winter happened, I know because I felt it more than usual.

everything's melting. change change change!

bad timing, I guess.

I understand that I shouldn't hold onto these things so tightly, but sometimes not holding on so tightly feels wrong. until I'm given a sign that this isn't supposed to be happening, I'm going to keep pushing forward. the signs (and I don't typically believe in "signs") make me believe this is exactly where I should be. if I keep patient, good things will come my way.

"once you've found it, you won't ever stop searching for it again.."

I know that someday you'll be sleeping, darling. likely dreaming off the pain. I hope you'll hear me in the streetlights humming, softly breathing our your name. I know that even with the seams stitched tightly, darling, scars will remain. I say we scrape them from each other darling, and let them wash off in the rain. and when they run into the river, oh no, let the water not complain. I swear that even with the distance slowly wearing out your name, your hands still catch the light the right way and our hearts still beat the same.. and our hearts still beat the same.

"we saw new constellations with each observation, the night sky grows bigger it seems. but under our ceilings is much more revealing, you'll find what we found in our dreams. I dreamt that all my old friends got together again. at a potluck or something, somewhere that we've never been. and we said oh and it's so strange the way that people's situations change. you got caught up in some crazy current, now it seems as though we speak a completely different language. but you'll always be as beautiful as the moment, the moment, the moment that we met."

I wish I could put into words how much this song means to me right now.

first weekend in a while that I'm not taking off with a backpack full of clothes and food.

but still, I love having no idea where I'm going to be in 2 hours. even if I'm stuck in this little town, I'll find a way to always love it.

sick. I'm absolutely dying for some change. sick sick sick sick. I feel sick. I wish I could turn my frustrations into words, but it seems that only actions can calm me down anymore.

one year. doing what I love.

and you.

I set myself up. I always set myself up.

I'm getting to the point where coming home doesn't feel good anymore. I can be gone for a couple of days, sleeping on various floors/cars, expecting my own bed to feel good. but it doesn't. not anymore. I just want to get out. this trip to chicago/ohio really really couldn't come any sooner.

and yooouuuu.

"I had no idea what I was after, I'm just preparing for disaster.. with everything feeling so far away. familiar faces, familiar lips, is there any point to this hanging around? I was upset when that glass broke doing the dishes. At 11:11 every night, I make wishes. Habit and superstition feed my foolish fires, they've been burning for a couple of months. I stay out all day to keep these thoughts away."

"but I finally found somewhere that is worth holding onto. scratching and clawing so I don't lose my grip on you."

this spring break, I think I've successfully driven myself crazy. I now have an undying urge to constantly go. being at home feels uncomfortable, being in the streets of any strange city is where I feel content now. I'm just constantly itching to go somewhere, ANYWHERE, that isn't here. I'm crazy about a boy I hardly know, who probably doesn't remember my name.

through it all, I feel so much potential building up.

a series of strange coincidences, odd events led me to do something I normally wouldn't today. a lot of built up frustration/anger, knowing that you would've been there the whole time saying "you won't," wanting to prove myself wrong, and ultimately a bus driving by that on the side read "yellowbird." all of these things led me to realize I wanted something, then it drove me towards it. regardless of the outcome, I'm just happy I've brought myself back to this point of confidence.

it's one in the morning, I'm listening to la dispute on repeat, and being in delaware doesn't feel right. I want to be back in the city or anywhere far. but mostly, I just want to write. I pulled out my little notebook again. nothing against you blogspot, I just tend to water down my thoughts on here.

because I seem to always have really good spring breaks but can never remember what I actually did, I'm going to start documenting every day then writing them together as a collective whole to sum up this spring break.

first day of break- 4/1/10: probably the longest/best day I've ever had. woke up around 6 to go to school. school went by fairly quickly. Tesla picked me up around 12, I came home, ate lunch, got ready. we picked up Nick, Tesla's car started to break down.. so we left it at my mom's house nd we took Nick's car to philly. got "vookies" at govinda's. walked around, went to Tesla's favorite spots. went back to govinda's for dinner. got theeee best vegan chicken sandwich. drove back to newark, met up with everyone at homegrown. saw a couple of bands. got free drinks. katie got us a margarita with a fake wristband.. for free haha. met some more nice people. found myself a "cuddle buddy." got my face painted and I really still don't know what it looked like. did a lot of solo dancing. had no idea where anyone was 80% of the time. had a conversation with a stranger, explaining how we both felt like we were living lives we would've never lived a couple months ago. and we're both so happy now.

i'm so glad yesterday happened. perfect start to spring break.

it's very early, but I just want to document how I'm feeling right now. there's always this different feeling in the early morning. when people are just beginning to wake up, the streets are empty and the sun is starting to come up. it's a beautiful thing and unfortunately, I'm usually too tired to really appreciate it. but here I am, eating my granola and soy milk, listening to defiance, ohio and letting the natural light come in. I've got a long, good day ahead of me. going to school to take a few quizzes, going to philly later to get vegan cookies (vookies) and to lay around in the sun with my best friends, then I'm going to make an awesome vegan dinner and go to Homegrown.

spring spring spring spring sprrrrinnngggg