It's about that time again..

I just started a new blog. A much more personal one; for my friends only. If you want the link, I'd more than likely be happy to give it to you.

Beat Happening and you.

It's obviously not that I miss you. Missing you would be nearly impossible; we've barely spent any time together. Being in that house, in that basement, and in that hallway where we first kissed. Nevermind the bedroom. Where your hands ran up and down my back and you once again, for the tenth time that year, assured me that I was who you wanted to be with. It all makes me wish that I still felt some hope for us. I've become to used to pushing ideas of us aside, in hopes of helping myself move on faster. Thus far, it's only left me with an empty feeling in my stomach when I wake up and when I fall asleep. I want that back again. I want your messy words reminding me that it'll be difficult, but it'll work. I want that feeling after you've left, as much as it hurt(s). I want you approaching me as the entire world completely disappears. I want to rest my head on your shoulder and let you apologize, because even though I say I don't, I need to hear it. I just want your squinty eyes looking into mine and your little teeth awkwardly smiling back at me. She's got an entire world right in front of her. I hope she realizes this.

Even so, progression doesn't mean anything to me if you're still so distant.

Don't be sad when it's not as it appeared

She lied motionless. Every movement requiring more effort than the last. She controlled her breathing, almost as if she was suffocating herself. The room remained unfamiliar. The paintings on the walls seemed to turn black, although they were bright the afternoon before. ---------

Headed to Baltimore this weekend. There's a really great comfort about that city. It's not a place I necessarily want to be, except at that moment. Just a handful of decent kids shoved into a fake reality.

Finding inspiration in the smallest things. I lied in bed with my Christmas lights on while reading a really great feminist novel. Sometimes I get so dizzy with ideas and other times I feel like my entire world is slowly closing. It scares me how distracted I can allow myself to get. I fill my mind with thoughts of boys who break my heart, friends who I can't express any kind of emotion to, and way to hide what I'm really feeling and what I really want to do. As soon as I find it in me to read a great essay, or a novel, or a short story, I find some kind of peace again. Pieces of me have fallen into everything I've ever created. Sometimes I'm terrified that I'll lose my ability to remember that when I really need to.

The love I have for reading, writing, putting my ideas into action, sharing my art with others, explaining my art to others, having a conversation with a stranger, discovering new music, listening to old music, taking photos, painting, traveling, and simply existing amongst so many really wonderful human beings surpasses my love for any single person. Sometimes my appreciation tangles me and leaves me stuck in one place. I just have to promise myself not to get so caught up next time.

Well, it's definitely going to be different. It's going to take some getting used to. I can't say that I'm going to miss it, but maybe I do a little already. I miss having so much hope in set in one place. It's kind of hard to know for certain that all of those months really were just a waste of time. Maybe I learned a little from it, but I mostly just feel disappointed that it never worked out.

I'm happy that this means a fresh start. Even if I can't have you to myself, being friends is enough for me. You're still one of the most fascinating human beings I've ever met. I never want you completely out of my life. I'm finally able to relax around you. Now that I know where we stand, a really great friendship could emerge from this mess.

And who knows where things will be in a year.. Someone told me when I was much younger that just because something won't work out right now, doesn't mean that they'll never work out. As far as I'm concerned, you're always going to be worth that wait. However, right now, I understand that we live very separate lives and it's time to move forward.

It's weird missing you when I know I shouldn't anymore. She's really lucky.

001. I've been feeling a lot better lately. I've lost about eight pounds in just a week. I know that's probably kind of bad, but I've been EXTREMELY careful this time. No more starving myself. Just good foods and working out. I sleep better, I am more focused, and I breathe better? Everything just feels a lot closer lately.

002. Submitting my Marymount application by hopefully Tuesday. I'm waiting on my recommendation letters to be finished, then I'm submitting it all at once. I'm not sure why, but New York has seemed a lot more tempting lately. I think it'd be the easiest way to get away, but still feel close. Although, talking to some nice people on the phone last night from Asheville makes me wonder if I get in, will I end up there? TIME WILL TELL.

003. Paul Baribeau is tomorrow. I get to see the girl I have a crush on and a boy I have a crush on and a boy I've been kissing lately. I'm coming home after school, working out, getting ready, loading a roll of film, buying beer, and getting to Drew's early. I'm so excited for this.

004. DOING HOMEWORK, EATING A BURRITO, TAKING A SHOWER AND SEEING BAD BANANA TONIGHT HOPEFULLY YAA