I don't really know what to think anymore. I spent the past 2 hours crying over how badly I wanted to get out of this place. I'll delete this entry once I'm sober, probably.


I don't know how to feel about you.

Realizing

It was just bad timing. If it's meant to be, you'll come back. I'm sure of this now. It still sucks seeing you and knowing you're doing your own thing now, but it doesn't mean nothing will ever happen. I hope everything's working out as well as I told you it would.

today felt a lot like autumn. I laid around, read a lot, I even started writing a story after hanging out in my grandma's closet for a while and feeling strangely inspired.

"I've always been told that I speak in a quiet voice. The way my words flow make it hard to understand me. Literally and figuratively. Maybe that's why I never got the chance to know a lot of people."

maybe I'll post the story once it's done.
maybe not.

I'm at my mom's house and I realized today that I really really miss watching dishes.

genuinely just sick of assholes. sometimes I honestly think I'm better off if I stay exactly where I am. at least I can't be anymore disappointed here. I know I can't stand half of the people here. I can't stand the idea of finding out that everyone is exactly the same everywhere I go.

and they are... I'm just being hopeful.

I've got my christmas lights on, a cup of my favorite tea and I'm actually in the middle of a really great book. It's been such a long time since a book was able to grab my attention this well. Every time my phone rings, I can't help but smile. This is ridiculous but hey, it's fun to just feel this way and keep it to myself.

I don't know how to put this in a way that doesn't sound cheesy, but I haven't felt this much like myself in years. I haven't been content sitting at home on a summer night in years but this is exactly where I want to be.

Why I do the things I do, I'll never fully be able to understand. my thoughts are even irrational to me. I throw myself into this cycle, one that I'm totally aware is not good for me at all. I lie to myself to put myself in situations I shouldn't be in.

Just got my hopes up and dashed. I'm just a sucker, I guess.

today went well.

I woke up earlier than usual to go to school to help the secretary in the guidance office out. I met some nice and not so nice people, got 4 volunteer hours, and had a good conversation. I came home to Tesla waiting for me and we decided we should go get ingredient for our vegan cheesecake. so, we went to the co-op then picked Brett up. we all came back here and made spaghetti with vegan meatballs. I love our dinners together. after, we made the cheesecake. I texted Adam and went to main st. I hung out with Trevor for a while which was nice, I remembered 14 year old me calling him late at night and trying to keep my voice low so my mom wouldn't hear me. On my way home, I got a flat tire. I pulled over into a gas station because my car couldn't make it any further. I didn't know what to do til an extremely intimidating lady stopped and helped me out. Tesla and Brett ended back at my house. We watched Laguna Beach and ate the cheesecake. The cheesecake I really really wished I was sharing with you. how pathetic.

now, I'm drinking tea and STILL watching Laguna Beach with my best friend.

the end of summer seems to be coming too quickly. august is the month of preparation. i don't have much to look forward to until autumn. by this time next month, i'll be saying goodbye to my best friends. all of the people that keep me grounded will be hundreds and thousands of miles away. i'll be stuck here, trying my absolute hardest to keep myself sane through this last year of school. despite the thought making me feel sick, i'm trying to find some positives. i'm planning on undoing all my wrongs. someone very close to me came to me and told me how sad it made him to watch me burn out. i guess that was his way to help me put a name on it. this entire summer has been a strange one. i've done things i never imagined myself doing. for a while, i had no idea where i stood on anything. everything was blending together, including myself. i want to take the next year to get some kind of job, start saving up as much money as possible, put more effort into school and try to enjoy my last year in newark. sometimes getting to the places you want to go means going through the shittiest route there is. for me, that's working in a place that depresses me, going to school in a place that disgusts me and surrounding myself with people that intensify all of those feelings. i'll give them all one more shot. but this time next year, i'll be in brooklyn or philadelphia or boston or wherever else i fall in love with with the people i love doing the things that i love. what more could i possibly ask for?

as nice as good conversation, kisses, and cuddling all night without any strings attached can be, this really just isn't what I want anymore. I want consistency.. but I guess this is what being 17 is all about anyway. I hate this realization, as liberating as it is, it also just kind of sucks.

the small piece of me that can't seem to let go is beginning to understand that it's my only option left.





I feel surprisingly good.

Goals for the remainder of the summer:

1. Read these books and actually put some effort into this. I know I'll regret it in 3 months once I'm back in school-mode if I don't.
2. Hang out with my cat more. Strangely enough, I've come to the (good and bad) realization that he's going to be the most consistent thing to me for the next years.
3. Only kiss boys I have crushes on. No more stupid kisses that don't mean anything.
4. MOVE ON.

I guess the point when you feel like an idiot is where you stop.

Fuck you too, dude.

I'm running on 3 hours of sleep for the past 2 days. I just took my first shower in days. I have never been so physically exhausted in my life. I believe I can safely say that this weekend was the best weekend of this summer.

Thursday- Tesla and I woke up around 7 to finish packing, get ready, and get to Allentown by 1-ish. Andrew and Anthony picked us up, then we picked up Brett and started the drive. we hung around the city for a while, just laying around, eating, etc. Amanda and Alex picked us up around 3 and we started driving towards Berea. We stopped driving around 8 to camp at a place called gaslight campgrounds. everyone was so hospitable and it was awesome. we got invited to eat a late dinner with the owners, which we had to unfortunately decline because of the dairy/meat involved. we got some free firewood so we started a fire, played a Pink Houses tape and layed around til we got tired enough to fall asleep. this was exactly when I knew that the next couple days were going to be great.

Friday- I woke up early and actually got to take a shower. once everyone was up, we packed up our things to finish the rest of the drive to Berea. once we finally made it, we set up their tent in the new camp ground and went to go explore Cleveland. unfortunately, they weren't as into the idea of wandering the streets until we found something interesting, so we never really got to see Cleveland for what it is. after, they dropped Tesla and me off at the fest. I saw a couple of good friends and some people I wasn't expecting to see including Jared, which was such a pleasant surprise. I also, of course, met a couple awesome people as well. Pat from tj finally said something about seeing me everywhere haha. strangely enough, of all the good music I got to see this day, the Sidekicks made the night for me. their set was so so so much fun. afterwards, we went back to the campsite and Brett came with us. we went to taco bell and ate in the grass. this was around the time that we met "naked guy" as well as Brian(t) and Luke from Indiana! we all sat by the fire with some beers and I honestly could not stop laughing the entire time. "Have you ever heard about the coyahoga river that burned in 1962?" "I do penis imprints.... in homeless people's faces." "I had sex with her.... no, I said bye." "I make the best sandwiches." "I'm std free.... no, I have chlamydia."

Saturday- once again, I woke up really early and didn't know what to do with myself. so I used Brett's water jug to wash my hair. I layed in the sun for wrote for a while til everyone else woke up. We then listened to some more tapes and decided to go to a river. the river was absolutely amazing, definitely one of the nicest places I've been outdoors in a while. day 2 of Berea wasn't as good as day 1 but it was still really good. we found Steph there and I spent basically the whole day with her and some other people from around here. Lemuria was amazing and probably my favorite set of day 2. the defiance "covers" also made my day as well as Good Luck. by this time, I was getting kind of desperate for a ride to the tj show in Cleveland. no one from the show was going, because everyone that was going already left. I found Brian(t) and Luke towards the end of Good Luck's set and asked them if they were interested in going. it took them a while to decide, but they finally decided they did. I watched Brian(t) the entire drive to Cleveland and decided I had a crush on him because he seemed so unbelievably uninterested in everything. I also realized that Luke was creepishly exactly like Damian from Mean Girls. once we finally got to Cleveland and found the venue, everyone was leaving.... it didn't take too long to realize that we missed the show. so we sat outside and I talked to Adam for a little. once Brian(t) and Luke decided they wanted to go, I went to say bye to everyone and Adam started asking me how I got to Berea, etc.. when I told him, he started joking around and questioning if I'd be willing to drive his car back to his apartment in Scranton. we realized it'd be doing both of us a favor because I'd be able to get home and he wouldn't have to drive the extra 14 hours before leaving for tour. he gave us some directions and we left. we drove straight through and got to Scranton at about 9 in the morning. we slept til 12 in the back of his car then explored Scranton for a while. everything is closed in Scranton on Sundays? so we settled for some chinese food which turned out to be really really good. we walked around a mall, took some photobooth pictures, then Andrew picked us up at Adam's apartment. the drive home took 5 hours because we went out of the way for a Sheetz trip and got stuck in a lot of traffic. towards the end of the drive, we went "car crazy" and I once again, could not stop laughing.


I realized how much I love the "coming home" feeling but I also realized how much I hate being here. now that I'm back, I'm spending my time sleeping and thinking way too much. I wrote a lot while I was away to document my emotions and it's crazy how much happier I am in an unfamiliar place with a lot of really friendly strangers. it's also crazy how incredibly cold I am being in an air conditioned house, I'm used to being really hot/sweaty all of the time. I think I'd trade it for that.

slowly making the transition back to my notebook. it's the only way I can get everything out. I'm done selling myself short and watering down my thoughts.


leaving today. hopefully it will make me realize how petty my sadness is.

how much does one person need to put into something until they just give up?

It will always come back to this

In a hurry, but there's so much time. I will wait for you. Growing love, but like water, time will always slip through. I will wait for you, but please come soon.

Is it in plan written in your hand?
Believe or understand,
Something other than...

Fear is blinding lights,
Squeeze my eyes so tight,
Could you make a flower grow?
Would you let me know?

so
so
so
many


why just you?



I honestly think I'm losing my mind a little.

I'm bringing my notebook with me to Ohio. the amount of things I want to write down when I'm out but am unable to because of the lack of pen and paper is sad. I'm most inspired when I'm out, in a strange place, with new people, so I'm making a mental note to not forget it this time. I also wish I had a camera that worked. I think this trip's going to be exactly what I need.

The past couple months, I've had a hard time figuring out what I believe in. It sounds right, but it doesn't always feel right. However, sometimes, doing what I think feels right just gets me in trouble. We're all only human, shouldn't we all be a bit more forgiving?

I can't believe it's 10 in the morning, I've slept for about 6 hours, I'm exhausted.. but my mind won't let me sleep anymore. That and I haven't felt this sick (physically) in years. I can't stop sneezing or thinking of you.

I haven't felt like crying over something so little and petty in a very long time. I thought I was past this, but this just sucks. I didn't think it would affect me THIS much, but it does. I'm just sick of getting fucked over.

Everything keeps building up this week and I think I just need to get away for a little. Glad I'm leaving Thursday.

I'm also really glad Annette's home, her timing was strangely perfect. Being here, doing the same old things we did when we were 13 is comforting.

into it. over it.

"and the display of your seemingly submissive heart.."

I hate all of the pressure I make myself feel sometimes. I don't have to feel like this, I shouldn't, but I still do. today can go in many different directions.

Last night, I drove 2.5 hours to a place called long branch in jersey to see the sidekicks and foxes and lions. The drive was alright, despite almost killing us multiple times. surprising my best friend that I never get to see was awesome too.. it's sad knowing I'll only ever get to see him like 3 times a year. sidekicks' drummer was super cool and let us in for free, which saved me $20 which enabled me to make it home. after the show, we all hung out for a while then tesla, brett, and I walked over to the beach and went swimming in our underwear. the drive home felt longer, but that was probably because we stopped in "georgia" on the way back. I wish I could explain the feeling I get whenever I go to that gas station.


knowing that there's a town with nothing but strangers and maybe a good friend is one of the most comforting thoughts ever. all the more reason to get away for a while.

like trying to coax a cloud down from the sky. come down here, make me alive.

You could make this a lot easier on me.

I know it seems like it's okay. When I put everything out there, I realize it's not. This is where I draw the line.

Whenever something comes this easily, something will always come in and and create the biggest barrier between me and whatever it is that I want. We're not 14 anymore. I've tried everything I can to escape that phase, you can do the same. Where do I draw the line and when do I stop waiting around? It's been established, now it's just us. GIVE ME A BREAK.

Safe to say that this summer is making up for last summer.

Staying up til 3 playing kings cup in Andrew's kitchen rules. Drunken feelings returned. Spending really hot, almost sleepless nights in Philadelphia only to walk 300 blocks the next day. Free food. Circles.

I know I always think that this time might be different, but this really might. Fingers crossed, but expecting nothing.




I plan to spend a lot more time with this group of people.

I just need to get out.

even the ones I think I know best...

this could work..

I wish I was better at documenting my life through blogspot. It's always nice going back and reading through months later.


Yesterday, I came home kind of early. Brett and Stanley came over to help me do my hair. So far, I'm extremely excited with how well it came out.. I just wish I could finally wash it. After they left, I drove to middletown to pick up Tesla. I got some chinese food and was expecting to just come back to my house and watch documentaries. We decided to go to main street anyway, because it was nice out and we were having good conversation. We ran into Joanna and Ashley there. Then later, Andrew and Amy. We stayed with them while they ate til we ran into Chris. We all decided to go to Jim's after. So I drove Chris to his parent's house to pick up his dog. We dropped my car off then started walking towards Jim's. Amy met us outside and we went to the train tracks to drink. Andrew and Drew met us there and we all stayed there for a while.. which was surprisingly nice considering we were on train tracks. Then we walked to Jim's with Amy, but apparently everyone in this city is extremely judgemental and didn't like Chris because he was "dirty" or whatever other reasons they might've had. So, naturally, we left and went to Chris' friend's house on Madison where I ran into some old friends. We stayed there for a while and everyone was just really really nice. I need more people like that in my life. Around 4, Tesla and I decided we wanted my bed so we started walking the 2 miles back to my house. It was freezing and we were out of our minds.. but it's kind of expected from the two of us together. That might've been the most hilarious walk I've ever been on. Once we finally got to my house, we tried to be sneaky.. but of course, we were incredibly loud. We passed around some berry juice and pretzels til I puked all over my sheets... Good night.

so much to be happy about, even more to look forward to.



"I feel in love and I needed a road map to find out where you lived. so excited now."