It's about that time again..

I just started a new blog. A much more personal one; for my friends only. If you want the link, I'd more than likely be happy to give it to you.

Beat Happening and you.

It's obviously not that I miss you. Missing you would be nearly impossible; we've barely spent any time together. Being in that house, in that basement, and in that hallway where we first kissed. Nevermind the bedroom. Where your hands ran up and down my back and you once again, for the tenth time that year, assured me that I was who you wanted to be with. It all makes me wish that I still felt some hope for us. I've become to used to pushing ideas of us aside, in hopes of helping myself move on faster. Thus far, it's only left me with an empty feeling in my stomach when I wake up and when I fall asleep. I want that back again. I want your messy words reminding me that it'll be difficult, but it'll work. I want that feeling after you've left, as much as it hurt(s). I want you approaching me as the entire world completely disappears. I want to rest my head on your shoulder and let you apologize, because even though I say I don't, I need to hear it. I just want your squinty eyes looking into mine and your little teeth awkwardly smiling back at me. She's got an entire world right in front of her. I hope she realizes this.

Even so, progression doesn't mean anything to me if you're still so distant.

Don't be sad when it's not as it appeared

She lied motionless. Every movement requiring more effort than the last. She controlled her breathing, almost as if she was suffocating herself. The room remained unfamiliar. The paintings on the walls seemed to turn black, although they were bright the afternoon before. ---------

Headed to Baltimore this weekend. There's a really great comfort about that city. It's not a place I necessarily want to be, except at that moment. Just a handful of decent kids shoved into a fake reality.

Finding inspiration in the smallest things. I lied in bed with my Christmas lights on while reading a really great feminist novel. Sometimes I get so dizzy with ideas and other times I feel like my entire world is slowly closing. It scares me how distracted I can allow myself to get. I fill my mind with thoughts of boys who break my heart, friends who I can't express any kind of emotion to, and way to hide what I'm really feeling and what I really want to do. As soon as I find it in me to read a great essay, or a novel, or a short story, I find some kind of peace again. Pieces of me have fallen into everything I've ever created. Sometimes I'm terrified that I'll lose my ability to remember that when I really need to.

The love I have for reading, writing, putting my ideas into action, sharing my art with others, explaining my art to others, having a conversation with a stranger, discovering new music, listening to old music, taking photos, painting, traveling, and simply existing amongst so many really wonderful human beings surpasses my love for any single person. Sometimes my appreciation tangles me and leaves me stuck in one place. I just have to promise myself not to get so caught up next time.

Well, it's definitely going to be different. It's going to take some getting used to. I can't say that I'm going to miss it, but maybe I do a little already. I miss having so much hope in set in one place. It's kind of hard to know for certain that all of those months really were just a waste of time. Maybe I learned a little from it, but I mostly just feel disappointed that it never worked out.

I'm happy that this means a fresh start. Even if I can't have you to myself, being friends is enough for me. You're still one of the most fascinating human beings I've ever met. I never want you completely out of my life. I'm finally able to relax around you. Now that I know where we stand, a really great friendship could emerge from this mess.

And who knows where things will be in a year.. Someone told me when I was much younger that just because something won't work out right now, doesn't mean that they'll never work out. As far as I'm concerned, you're always going to be worth that wait. However, right now, I understand that we live very separate lives and it's time to move forward.

It's weird missing you when I know I shouldn't anymore. She's really lucky.

001. I've been feeling a lot better lately. I've lost about eight pounds in just a week. I know that's probably kind of bad, but I've been EXTREMELY careful this time. No more starving myself. Just good foods and working out. I sleep better, I am more focused, and I breathe better? Everything just feels a lot closer lately.

002. Submitting my Marymount application by hopefully Tuesday. I'm waiting on my recommendation letters to be finished, then I'm submitting it all at once. I'm not sure why, but New York has seemed a lot more tempting lately. I think it'd be the easiest way to get away, but still feel close. Although, talking to some nice people on the phone last night from Asheville makes me wonder if I get in, will I end up there? TIME WILL TELL.

003. Paul Baribeau is tomorrow. I get to see the girl I have a crush on and a boy I have a crush on and a boy I've been kissing lately. I'm coming home after school, working out, getting ready, loading a roll of film, buying beer, and getting to Drew's early. I'm so excited for this.

004. DOING HOMEWORK, EATING A BURRITO, TAKING A SHOWER AND SEEING BAD BANANA TONIGHT HOPEFULLY YAA

Laying next to someone who once seemed so out of reach. Seeing you in your most confident, yet vulnerable point made me feel just how close you were. Glancing over as you fell asleep and honestly feeling different than I ever had in my entire life. I don't love you, I really don't even know if I like you, but I'll hold you to that feeling for a long time.

I miss you every time I think of you.

Counting

I feel like I'm thirteen years old again. My entire life is consumed by something that doesn't really matter. I'm desperate to find what I'm actually searching for, or to even just figure out what that is. There are so many places I want to be and even more people I want to be with. I can't pin point anything because it always come right back to here and you.

There are things I miss and things I want back every single second of my life. Then sometimes I think I'll find those all again if I move up north by myself, where no one really konws me. Another piece of me thinks I belong down south, with someone I really care about.. but is that what I really want? Then the last piece of me, the piece that I'm always trying to shut up, is telling me that there's so much unfinished business where I am now. Am I ready to leave Philadelphia? Really, have I explored it for all that it's worth? Could I spend the following years drinking forties with these people? Probably not. I want more than that to myself, but nothing feels right anymore. I just don't know what I want at all. I wish I could be in a million different places at once. I feel like I'm running out of time. I'm channeling all of this confusion into me obsessively dieting/working out every day. It's an easy way to remind myself that at least I'm still in control of something, even if it's making me miserable.

I think what I need now more than anything, is to get on a bus with just my backpack and go visit a good friend in Baltimore. Or I need Stay Sweet, where I'll be surrounded by people that I love and hopefully it will remind me of what I really want to be doing. As of right now, all I want is my own little apartment with house plants and my cat. I want to go to bed at 10 o'clock, make myself all my meals, and get straight A's. Sometimes, I think this is all I'm ever really capable of.

I feel like crying.

So, yesterday.. Amelia picked Brett and I up from Harvest Market. We started driving towards Philly. We got a really awesome parking spot and walked a couple blocks to Blackbird. I ate my favorite vegan pizza and they watched. Then we met up with Brie, Victoria, and Steph at a coffee shop a couple blocks up. We sat there for a while til we realized we should probably already be drunk. We walked back to Amelia's car and went to the liquor store on 6th and Moore, which we later learned is referred to as the "shady spot." Brie, Victoria, and I went in. We each bought 2 forties of Steel Reserve. The dude behind the counter looked at me and then said, "You're not 21, are you?" I looked at him and was like "What? Yes, I am.." and then he basically said that Brie and Victoria looked 21, but I looked "young as shit." I then bullshitted a ton and said we've met many times before. It worked. Whatever. We drove to Kayla's new house and we were the first ones there. I gave Kayla a birthday forty and we all sat around and drank. They played beer pong for a little. Then, Amelia decided that we should all play the "drawing game." Which is my absolute favorite game in the world, and it's a thousand times better drunk. We went through the most ridiculous series of words/drawings and I fell so much more in love with those girls. At one point, Victoria randomly said, "So you made out with Shane, right?" which kind of surprised me.. but apparently he told her. So, of course, Shane became the topic of the night. I told her how I felt about him/how things have never really seemed to work out. So, Victoria told me her Ryan story. Which is apparently very similar, but she was just very persistent with him until he finally gave in. The quote I posted below is from our continued conversation. She basically just made me realize that it's not my fault.. at all. After she complimented me and said that I was "hot", I really did feel better about it all. In fact, after this weekend between her and Drew's advice.. I think it might finally be time to stop caring about it. I still did text him and told him we're making out again this Friday. He never answered, but he didn't answer Victoria either so who knows. We left pretty early because we had to pick Amelia's boyfriend up from 30th st. station. I said bye to everyone and made plans with Kayla to get pizza. I finished most of my forty on the drive home, despite how unbelievably drunk I already was. We stopped so I could pee/buy Brett cigarettes. I came home and immediately passed out.

On the way to Philly, I decided that tonight would determine where I should really be next year. If Steph and Brie were ending up in Philly, there's no doubt in my mind that I'd stay around for that. I just feel like I'm finally meeting a group of people that I actually want to be around/getting closer to them/they're liking me back. I even told Victoria I always thought she hated me then told me she loved me and wanted to make out with me, but she has a boyfriend and is being loyal. I think Philadelphia is going to go down as my "home" forever. I just love that place and those people so much.


One of Brie's drawings after the sentence of me finally dying because of too much loko.

"with those boys, you just gotta learn to never blame yourself. seriously they just never learned how to deal with other humans.. it's a jersey thing I think."

first time I've ever felt this okay with the entire situation. thank you so much.

tonight I, a) came to terms with my feelings for a certain person that I was always too scared to admit b) texted someone and told them how I felt flat out c) learned how to feel better d) hung out with my absolute favorite girls ever

001. Well, just because I'm feel super good about it.. Some shameless self promotion. Since that post, I've eaten SO much better. I've been fitting in 2-3 twenty minute workouts daily. After school, then after dinner. Loooots of veggies and fruits.. and tea.

002. One of the scariest things is finding out that someone you really care about could be really sick. Someone who is the absolute opposite of a bad person/someone who would "deserve" to have such a health scare. I guess there's not much else to do except be there for her.

003. I'm going to my first high school event next month. I'm meeting up with some new friends in a dress, we're taking pictures, getting drunk, then going to Senior Ball and Banquet. I've supposedly been nominated as "Most Relaxed." I'm really excited for this night.

004. Maybe it's wrong/fucked up of me (it is), but I'm allowing myself ONE more weekend of care-free fun with a boy. Maybe it won't even go that far, but I am going to tell him tonight when the timing is better.

005. Saving money, feeling so good, life is good.

rest stop reach out

the cassette outlined the month of july
your voice cracked as the batteries died
the water spun upward from below,
and the moon hung low to keep me awake
fragments pieced together
every time we flipped the tape
memories measured in miles
the strangers took me away
i begged myself to stay in one place,
but summer time kept you grounded
and the clock reminds me every single day
that inside you the fire burning
has it kept safely away
between two bottles
that we're always stuck in
with no sure way of finding each other
unless we tip over
and crack

Trying to feel better.

My body has recently felt like it's shutting itself down. My eating habits have gotten absolutely terrible. There was once a time where my diet mostly consisted of raw vegetables, fruits, and dairy. I ran for 30 minutes daily. I felt SO GOOD. Recently, all I do is eat whatever I can find that's vegan. I think the lack of nutrition/energy I'm taking in has left me unable to do much of anything without disgusting amounts of caffeine and way too much sleep. I eat maybe one, sometimes two meals a day.. especially throughout the week. They're rarely actually good for me, usually just something to keep me feeling "full." On weekends, I eat just as badly.. but I actually cook for myself. Then I drink too much alcohol and completely dehydrate my body. I also just recently realized how terribly awful liquor and beer are for you. I mean, I know that's a given.. but 150+ calories PER SHOT? That's honestly me consuming around 1,000+ calories a night simply in drinks. Multiply this by 2 or 3 times a week, and that's what I'm putting into my body.

SOMETHING has to change. Besides the fact that I think I'm at the highest weight I've ever been, I'm also kind of concerned for my health. I generally don't eat lunch (and sometimes breakfast), but that is going to HAVE to change. I'm sick of feeling like I don't even have enough energy to leave my bed from 2:00 until I get up for school.. literally. This is my routine almost daily. Maybe this means I'm not capable of taking care of myself. I don't know. Today, I felt like my entire body was angry with me. I couldn't concentrate on anything because my head hurt so much, despite the THREE cups of coffee I had this morning.

These are the changes I'm forcing myself to make, starting right now:

001. No more drinking anything that isn't water or organic juice. Seriously no more excessively sugary drinks. They make me feel so sick.
002. Take a vitamin daily. When I did make myself do this, I saw a difference in my health overall.
003. No more fried foods.. or at least, keep it extremely limited. Going out and never having any foods to eat always leaves me ordering SOMETHING fried. Usually french fries. I can't deny my love for disgusting, greasy foods.. but once again, I know that they're apart of making me feel so shitty all of the time.
004. Eat a solid three meals a day. If possible, more. I'm going to actually get out of my bed on time so I have time to eat something in the morning. I'm going to start bringing my lunch to school. Eat when I get home, then again at dinner time. THEN that's it.
005. Which means no more eating really late. Not eating all day then realizing I'm starving once I'm already in bed really has to stop.
006. I need to be a lot more active. I'm going to get back into the routine of taking Rudy for a 30 minute walk/jog/run daily. I stopped for a little because of the ice, but I want to get back into that.
007. Start eating what's healthy, not what's always just vegan. The amount of times I've just not eaten anything at all over something that might not be 100% vegan is kind of ridiculous. I've just let myself not eat for really long periods of time, despite being hungry, because there was nothing vegan available. Of course, I don't want to start drinking milk or anything like that, but I'm definitely putting the strict veganism thing on hold. I'm not good at it. My lack of time/access to vegan foods makes it a lot more difficult. I'll pick it back up this summer. Especially once I move and am buying my own groceries.


We'll see how this goes..

Scattered thoughts

001. A piece of me wants to get as far away as possible. The other piece of me wants to discover what's left of this place. I feel like there's so much unfinished business in Philadelphia.

002. Today, I kissed someone while I was sober for the first time in a year.

003. This weekend, someone finally said it before I did. "You guys seem so perfect for each other."


I'm just confused.

Friday- Mike told me to go to some show at the Nacho House and I agreed. Amelia I/Med me later on and asked to hang out, so I told her about the show. She and her friend Henry picked me up around 7:30. We parked at Drew's and Tom was behind us. We all walked to the show from Drew's/they smoked. We got to the show and everyone was there.. pretty much. Corey, Drew, Mike, Andrew, Andrew's cute girlfriend, etc. Mike gave me one of his beers and I waited outside for Sydney. Once she got there, I went inside the garage where the show was and it was freeeezing. Andrew was being an asshole and kept leaving/slamming the door/laughing/saying how much the music sucked really loud. Everyone got really mad about it and it somehow came back to me. Some dude told Drew to tell me to stop being so disrespectful.. So we all felt really weird and left. I accidentally didn't tell Amelia I was leaving and felt SO bad/couldn't tell her since she didn't have a phone. We went back to Drew's where we sat around and drank bad beer. I somehow got Henry's number and explained to Amelia what happened. Mike offered me some of his adderall then I smoked and drank too many beers. Needless to say, the night went really well/maybe a little bad. Amelia came back and I talked to her on the couch a lot. I left and laid in the dark and listened to Blatz.

Saturday- I picked Mike up pretty early and we drank coffee/listened to music/drove around a lot. We picked Brett up and then I dropped Mike off. Brett and I did part 1 of my photo project and ate tacos. We went back over to Drew's. A lot of weird people were there.. it was a weird mix of people. The handful of people I really don't like in Delaware were there. I still had fun, though. I went on a beer run with Cody since it was his birthday and he was already drunk. That was a scary drive. We came back and hid the beers but everyone knew where they were. Barbie came and it was awesome getting to talk to her again. Phoebe came too and we talked about boys. Drew gave me some of the best/most comforting advice I've gotten in a long time. Coming from someone who more than likely has been in that position is very helpful. I got kind of emotional after that and we all went up to Drew's room and I whined for a little. I finally sucked it up and went back to hang out with Mike. I had plans to stay there that night, but I just wanted to come home by 1:30. Phoebe drove me home and I somehow stopped myself from texting you.

Always fucking waiting. Does it even matter anymore?