"with those boys, you just gotta learn to never blame yourself. seriously they just never learned how to deal with other humans.. it's a jersey thing I think."

first time I've ever felt this okay with the entire situation. thank you so much.

tonight I, a) came to terms with my feelings for a certain person that I was always too scared to admit b) texted someone and told them how I felt flat out c) learned how to feel better d) hung out with my absolute favorite girls ever

001. Well, just because I'm feel super good about it.. Some shameless self promotion. Since that post, I've eaten SO much better. I've been fitting in 2-3 twenty minute workouts daily. After school, then after dinner. Loooots of veggies and fruits.. and tea.

002. One of the scariest things is finding out that someone you really care about could be really sick. Someone who is the absolute opposite of a bad person/someone who would "deserve" to have such a health scare. I guess there's not much else to do except be there for her.

003. I'm going to my first high school event next month. I'm meeting up with some new friends in a dress, we're taking pictures, getting drunk, then going to Senior Ball and Banquet. I've supposedly been nominated as "Most Relaxed." I'm really excited for this night.

004. Maybe it's wrong/fucked up of me (it is), but I'm allowing myself ONE more weekend of care-free fun with a boy. Maybe it won't even go that far, but I am going to tell him tonight when the timing is better.

005. Saving money, feeling so good, life is good.

rest stop reach out

the cassette outlined the month of july
your voice cracked as the batteries died
the water spun upward from below,
and the moon hung low to keep me awake
fragments pieced together
every time we flipped the tape
memories measured in miles
the strangers took me away
i begged myself to stay in one place,
but summer time kept you grounded
and the clock reminds me every single day
that inside you the fire burning
has it kept safely away
between two bottles
that we're always stuck in
with no sure way of finding each other
unless we tip over
and crack

Trying to feel better.

My body has recently felt like it's shutting itself down. My eating habits have gotten absolutely terrible. There was once a time where my diet mostly consisted of raw vegetables, fruits, and dairy. I ran for 30 minutes daily. I felt SO GOOD. Recently, all I do is eat whatever I can find that's vegan. I think the lack of nutrition/energy I'm taking in has left me unable to do much of anything without disgusting amounts of caffeine and way too much sleep. I eat maybe one, sometimes two meals a day.. especially throughout the week. They're rarely actually good for me, usually just something to keep me feeling "full." On weekends, I eat just as badly.. but I actually cook for myself. Then I drink too much alcohol and completely dehydrate my body. I also just recently realized how terribly awful liquor and beer are for you. I mean, I know that's a given.. but 150+ calories PER SHOT? That's honestly me consuming around 1,000+ calories a night simply in drinks. Multiply this by 2 or 3 times a week, and that's what I'm putting into my body.

SOMETHING has to change. Besides the fact that I think I'm at the highest weight I've ever been, I'm also kind of concerned for my health. I generally don't eat lunch (and sometimes breakfast), but that is going to HAVE to change. I'm sick of feeling like I don't even have enough energy to leave my bed from 2:00 until I get up for school.. literally. This is my routine almost daily. Maybe this means I'm not capable of taking care of myself. I don't know. Today, I felt like my entire body was angry with me. I couldn't concentrate on anything because my head hurt so much, despite the THREE cups of coffee I had this morning.

These are the changes I'm forcing myself to make, starting right now:

001. No more drinking anything that isn't water or organic juice. Seriously no more excessively sugary drinks. They make me feel so sick.
002. Take a vitamin daily. When I did make myself do this, I saw a difference in my health overall.
003. No more fried foods.. or at least, keep it extremely limited. Going out and never having any foods to eat always leaves me ordering SOMETHING fried. Usually french fries. I can't deny my love for disgusting, greasy foods.. but once again, I know that they're apart of making me feel so shitty all of the time.
004. Eat a solid three meals a day. If possible, more. I'm going to actually get out of my bed on time so I have time to eat something in the morning. I'm going to start bringing my lunch to school. Eat when I get home, then again at dinner time. THEN that's it.
005. Which means no more eating really late. Not eating all day then realizing I'm starving once I'm already in bed really has to stop.
006. I need to be a lot more active. I'm going to get back into the routine of taking Rudy for a 30 minute walk/jog/run daily. I stopped for a little because of the ice, but I want to get back into that.
007. Start eating what's healthy, not what's always just vegan. The amount of times I've just not eaten anything at all over something that might not be 100% vegan is kind of ridiculous. I've just let myself not eat for really long periods of time, despite being hungry, because there was nothing vegan available. Of course, I don't want to start drinking milk or anything like that, but I'm definitely putting the strict veganism thing on hold. I'm not good at it. My lack of time/access to vegan foods makes it a lot more difficult. I'll pick it back up this summer. Especially once I move and am buying my own groceries.


We'll see how this goes..

Scattered thoughts

001. A piece of me wants to get as far away as possible. The other piece of me wants to discover what's left of this place. I feel like there's so much unfinished business in Philadelphia.

002. Today, I kissed someone while I was sober for the first time in a year.

003. This weekend, someone finally said it before I did. "You guys seem so perfect for each other."


I'm just confused.

Friday- Mike told me to go to some show at the Nacho House and I agreed. Amelia I/Med me later on and asked to hang out, so I told her about the show. She and her friend Henry picked me up around 7:30. We parked at Drew's and Tom was behind us. We all walked to the show from Drew's/they smoked. We got to the show and everyone was there.. pretty much. Corey, Drew, Mike, Andrew, Andrew's cute girlfriend, etc. Mike gave me one of his beers and I waited outside for Sydney. Once she got there, I went inside the garage where the show was and it was freeeezing. Andrew was being an asshole and kept leaving/slamming the door/laughing/saying how much the music sucked really loud. Everyone got really mad about it and it somehow came back to me. Some dude told Drew to tell me to stop being so disrespectful.. So we all felt really weird and left. I accidentally didn't tell Amelia I was leaving and felt SO bad/couldn't tell her since she didn't have a phone. We went back to Drew's where we sat around and drank bad beer. I somehow got Henry's number and explained to Amelia what happened. Mike offered me some of his adderall then I smoked and drank too many beers. Needless to say, the night went really well/maybe a little bad. Amelia came back and I talked to her on the couch a lot. I left and laid in the dark and listened to Blatz.

Saturday- I picked Mike up pretty early and we drank coffee/listened to music/drove around a lot. We picked Brett up and then I dropped Mike off. Brett and I did part 1 of my photo project and ate tacos. We went back over to Drew's. A lot of weird people were there.. it was a weird mix of people. The handful of people I really don't like in Delaware were there. I still had fun, though. I went on a beer run with Cody since it was his birthday and he was already drunk. That was a scary drive. We came back and hid the beers but everyone knew where they were. Barbie came and it was awesome getting to talk to her again. Phoebe came too and we talked about boys. Drew gave me some of the best/most comforting advice I've gotten in a long time. Coming from someone who more than likely has been in that position is very helpful. I got kind of emotional after that and we all went up to Drew's room and I whined for a little. I finally sucked it up and went back to hang out with Mike. I had plans to stay there that night, but I just wanted to come home by 1:30. Phoebe drove me home and I somehow stopped myself from texting you.

Always fucking waiting. Does it even matter anymore?