I don't really know what to think anymore. I spent the past 2 hours crying over how badly I wanted to get out of this place. I'll delete this entry once I'm sober, probably.


I don't know how to feel about you.

Realizing

It was just bad timing. If it's meant to be, you'll come back. I'm sure of this now. It still sucks seeing you and knowing you're doing your own thing now, but it doesn't mean nothing will ever happen. I hope everything's working out as well as I told you it would.

today felt a lot like autumn. I laid around, read a lot, I even started writing a story after hanging out in my grandma's closet for a while and feeling strangely inspired.

"I've always been told that I speak in a quiet voice. The way my words flow make it hard to understand me. Literally and figuratively. Maybe that's why I never got the chance to know a lot of people."

maybe I'll post the story once it's done.
maybe not.

I'm at my mom's house and I realized today that I really really miss watching dishes.

genuinely just sick of assholes. sometimes I honestly think I'm better off if I stay exactly where I am. at least I can't be anymore disappointed here. I know I can't stand half of the people here. I can't stand the idea of finding out that everyone is exactly the same everywhere I go.

and they are... I'm just being hopeful.

I've got my christmas lights on, a cup of my favorite tea and I'm actually in the middle of a really great book. It's been such a long time since a book was able to grab my attention this well. Every time my phone rings, I can't help but smile. This is ridiculous but hey, it's fun to just feel this way and keep it to myself.

I don't know how to put this in a way that doesn't sound cheesy, but I haven't felt this much like myself in years. I haven't been content sitting at home on a summer night in years but this is exactly where I want to be.

Why I do the things I do, I'll never fully be able to understand. my thoughts are even irrational to me. I throw myself into this cycle, one that I'm totally aware is not good for me at all. I lie to myself to put myself in situations I shouldn't be in.

Just got my hopes up and dashed. I'm just a sucker, I guess.

today went well.

I woke up earlier than usual to go to school to help the secretary in the guidance office out. I met some nice and not so nice people, got 4 volunteer hours, and had a good conversation. I came home to Tesla waiting for me and we decided we should go get ingredient for our vegan cheesecake. so, we went to the co-op then picked Brett up. we all came back here and made spaghetti with vegan meatballs. I love our dinners together. after, we made the cheesecake. I texted Adam and went to main st. I hung out with Trevor for a while which was nice, I remembered 14 year old me calling him late at night and trying to keep my voice low so my mom wouldn't hear me. On my way home, I got a flat tire. I pulled over into a gas station because my car couldn't make it any further. I didn't know what to do til an extremely intimidating lady stopped and helped me out. Tesla and Brett ended back at my house. We watched Laguna Beach and ate the cheesecake. The cheesecake I really really wished I was sharing with you. how pathetic.

now, I'm drinking tea and STILL watching Laguna Beach with my best friend.