Today instantly started off as an off-day. I woke up and couldn't bring myself out of bed, I was entirely too exhausted. On top of this, Kitty Coop has been getting into the habit of waking up around 5:30 every morning and meowing extremely loud and playing with something random in my room. It's impossible to sleep though. So, I lied around for about 30 minutes before finally getting up and getting ready. I left my coffee and my phone at home. My phone wasn't much of a concern to me, but the coffee definitely was. An awful headache and the inability to keep my eyes open from 7:15 a.m. til 2:00 p.m. was the worst. Environmental is becoming a bigger and bigger waste of time. Spending an entire week studying invasive species? Great time management. I am considering taking the AP exam because a science credit would be nice to have next year.. even though it's entirely irrelevant and will probably end up counting as an elective. Photo is getting more and more frustrating. I'm entirely supportive of the art some of the people around me are making, but I'm getting sick of explaining mine to them. When I pose my models next to a chopped up baby doll, it's for a reason. Reasons that go over their heads and then I just feel frustrated. Oh well. In yearbook, we wrote letter to our instructor basically explaining why we felt she was wasting our time. We're all such sarcastic assholes. We're the seven kids who sit in the corner of the room and mock everyone around us because we're so tired of the bullshit. Joe ran to one of the art rooms and brought back bows to make our letters seem nicer, even though it just made them ten times more sarcastic. I came home and took a 3.5 hour MUCH NEEDED nap. I woke up and got 3/8 articles done, part of my photo project done, and that's really it. Since I'm counting on a snow day, I'm going to finish the other 5 articles today, finish my Spanish homework, and come up with a solid idea for my photo project which I'm planning on finishing tomorrow. THEN my Temple app definitely needs to be submitted within the next week. I also really need to start studying for midterms. I'm basically swamped this entire week so that I can have a ton of ~fun~ this weekend. Friday, I got Shane's band on a show at Drew's. That will be a hit or miss, as always. It'll still be nice to drink a forty with some Newark and Philly friends whilst listening to some not so good music. Saturday, I'm not sure if I'll be going up to Philly early and spending time with some friends. Steph will be home so I know I want to get lunch with her and maybe go to one of the shows that's happening with her and Brie? Sunday is Lemuria and Mikey Erg! which I'm obviously excited about.

Back to documenting my life.

I miss you.

A long time record

Sidewalk feels like ice
When we walked barefoot back to your apartment
Hands pinned down at my side
I didn't want to let you know
That I counted your steps
Afraid to walk too fast
Or too slow
Obvious intentions,
High hopes,
Fresh skin over the evidence
Formatting our faces to fit together
A haven of dirty blankets
Validation and an easy way in
Progression is measured by the number of bones
Before you know it, you're covered
I just didn't want to let you go
Now I'm fast asleep
In a boy's room with the door closed

The things I'm most tired of are the things that stay most consistent in my life. I don't know how to get away from them.

I never know how to feel about you and that terrifies me. I miss you on a different level than I miss any of my other friends. I don't think about you all of the time the way I do when I have a crush, but I think about you more than I think about any of my other friends. I don't ease into conversation with anyone else the way we do. I feel so comfortable spilling every thought to you, because you're the first person I've ever felt understands what I'm saying, all of the time, every time. Maybe I've just never felt this connected to a person I felt I would never get to know. Maybe there IS something there. My drunken words say so, but I just don't feel it now. As angry/frustrated some of the things you say to me can make me, they never phase me. You're the only person who can always make me laugh without really trying. You're the only person I want to always talk to, but get annoyed when we are talking. I want to cuddle with you and I can't imagine us ever being that close to each other. You fascinate me, but I think you're just like everyone else. But then I think of your hooded sweatshirt and Brooklyn.

Ever since I met you, you've left my thoughts entirely twisted. I guess I just can't wait to see you. I hate how long we go without seeing each other.

Next time I have a strong feeling that I'm doing something that I'm going to later regret, I need to listen to myself.

It wasn't until 2010 that I learned that it takes more than a person being physically attracted to you to like you. Being able to hold conversations, have similar interests, and hang out with each other's friends is a crucial staple in relationships and without it, it will without a doubt fail to be a healthy/good relationship. When I was younger, I used that to my advantage and maybe took it a little overboard. I knew a boy who thought I was cute would give me multiple chances for me to get it right and I was never THAT concerned whether or not we could talk, not just flirt with each other. Every relationship I was in or boy I was talking to, was simply a physical attraction and it being nice to hear "you're cute," "wish you were here," or just having someone THERE all the time.

I first realized it when I met a particular boy over the summer. We had decent conversation. I was more fascinated by him than our actual potential. When we first met, he told me thought I was cute and I really depended on that for him to keep giving me chances. When he realized I wasn't good at holding conversations or meeting new people, he inevitably lost interest. This was the defining moment, a moment I felt myself growing up, and realizing that if I want a relationship to work out or if I want a boy's interest on a deeper level than just a physical one, I need to stop hiding and being so shy. I keep it on my mind from now on and maybe it really is just me finally growing up. I know that when I was fifteen, creeping on a guy and being really flirty worked.. but it doesn't know and really, it SHOULD not work ever. It made me feel like I took steps back and now I'm desperately trying to clean up those pieces and seeing if you'll give me a second chance.