I'm exactly back where I was late October. I try to work up the courage to text you first, but it never happens. When you finally text me, there's a huge relief. When you don't, I wonder if I should put forth a little more effort.. or if I even want to. I know I like talking to you. Despite how dry our conversations can get, you still try. You actually have an interest in me. It's not just me asking you questions and you answering them. I know I like seeing you. Despite how unbelievably awkward it usually is. I don't know that if you were placed next to another specific boy, if I'd choose you. I want to believe I would, but I don't think I would. I'll find out in a couple weeks.

Sometimes I feel guilty for being as mean as I can be sometimes. I think my grandma is the single person who just never gives up on me. I can completely shut her out, but she always finds ways to still help me. I can be a really fucking stubborn person sometimes. We're polar opposites and I'll never understand how these people raised me, but I'm still thankful.

Nostalgia's been gripping lately. I never saw myself as someone who would get worked up over graduating and moving on with life, but it turns out that I am. I think Beach Fossils sums up how I'm feeling really well.

There's one single person that's keeping me sane. He always manages to do so and he has no idea. I'm working on putting this into words in a letter I'm writing him. He makes me so happy and I never understand why.

I woke up yesterday morning feeling incredibly bummed that I was missing the show at the church. That's when Joanna texted me and told me that she still really wanted to go/figure out a way to. So, I ordered our tickets and met her at her work right when she got off. She drove up to the show, we found free parking only like 3 blocks from the venue, and got inside just in time to see Tigers Jaw. The set was shorter than usual, but they played the 3 songs off the new album that I wanted to hear. I ran into Nora and spent Algernon's set with her. She's so adorable/lovable/fun to be around. Seeing Algernon without the usual group of kids feels kind of weird, but I still managed to have fun. Being alone and crowd surfing to "Some Kind of Cadwallader" made me miss Nick a lot. I tried finding Adam a lot around this time, but he seemed to be nowhere. I went outside with Brett for him to have a cigarette and we ran into Sabrina. We talked to her a while and she made me promise to actually keep in touch. Menzingers set was absolutely nothing short of ridiculous, as usual. They played ALL the songs I wanted them to play. I had 150+ pound men landing on my head for about 80% of the set and I was in A LOT of pain. Of course, always being the smallest person up front, sucked it up. I saw Dennis in the crowd randomly and received a very warm welcoming from him. I kind of miss seeing him every weekend. They played Tasker-Morris station and I felt really bummed that Tesla wasn't there too. During Sunday Morning, Hunter and I stage dove together and held hands in the air and screamed the words together. It was cute. Everyone ended up on the stage screaming the words and a nice dude saw me get thrown around and asked if I was okay, then helped me get back up. After this, I ended up falling into Vinny, who picked me up, squeezed me, and sang to me. Knowing that this is where we are, from where we were, is... just crazy.

I always feel in between in regards to where I am and where I want to go. Nights like last night make me realize how great what I have right in my hands is and how much I'm really going to miss. The Philadelphia skyline is completely embedded in my mind.

Day 2 of putting myself in potentially awkward situations: A girl I've gone to school with for the past couple years and her best friend texted me last night looking for something to do. I, of course, was laying in bed with Brett, not planning on doing much. However, I agreed and got ready. They picked us up and we went to Homegrown for fries. We didn't have much of a plan after we ate, so we just kind of drove around til Brett's friends said we could stop by their party. I've been to a few parties with these kids and it's always a pretty good time. We show up and Andrew Cullen can barely walk. We sat in the basement and I drank a mixed drink that tasted exactly like licorice. I tried the latest malt liquor energy drink and it just made me miss Loko. After I finished my drink, I said out loud how badly I wish I had a forty. Moments later, Devon hands me a 80% full forty and tell me it's mine. How I get such awesome friends is beyond me. Once everyone was drunk enough, we started dancing and people drew on Andrew's face. We played the compliment game and I can really see myself getting closer to both Cady and Michele. We went upstairs to pee and a couple of us ended up in the hallway talking about drugs. I've got plans to finally try the things I've wanted to try soon with some promising people. We left around two and I have no idea how it got so late so fast. We stopped at Wawa on the way home so Cady could buy cigarettes since it was her birthday and she could. I stoked up on food and we all smoked a cigarette, despite none of us actually smoking, in honor of Cady being 18. They dropped me off at my house and I woke up confused as usual.

I'm kind of pushing myself back into the "just go with whatever comes my way" mindset. If I've got nothing to do and someone asks me to go to a questionable hardcore show, I'm going to go. I always prove to myself that going out can be fun if you go into the situation with an open mind.

So, yesterday afternoon, Joanna invited me to come with her to Phoenixville with her, Max Davis, and Damian Harmon. She picked me up and we listened to new Taylor Swift on the drive to her house. There, we met Max and Damian. I almost instantly liked Max. He's just extremely friendly and his laugh's hilarious. I used my awesome direction skills and got us to the show right before Weeded Out played. The show seemed to drag on because I didn't really like any of the bands. I hung out with Sarah Wilcox a lot. It's been really nice seeing her around since she moved back. Eventually, we realized we were starving so Drew, Joanna, and I got fries/old bay fries upstairs and I watched them play Battleship for a while. Eventually, the show ended and we split into two cars. Max, Joanna, and I rode in one car. Drew, Damian, and Matt rode in another. We sang really loud on the way home, of course. "Max, we're going to sing to you.." "Oh, ok, is this like a full body experience or something?" I texted Tesla a lot on the ride home as well and she was at the same party as Reece. He told her he hasn't talked to me in a while and to say hi for him. In a really strange way that I can not understand, it made me really miss him. Maybe that's just on a friendly level, but I'd really like to lie in his bed and talk to him for hours again. Anyway, we met back up at Amy/Drew's. John, Joanna, and I drove to a really sketchy liquor store in Maryland to get a case of pbr and some whiskey. We sat around the living room for a while and I listened to Max tell really funny stories. I showed Dom all the pictures in my phone. Once Max and Damian left, we all went into the kitchen to play Kings Cup. I swear that will always be one of my favorite drinking games if everyone's in the mood to play. It can get so funny. "NEVER HAVE I EVER BEEN A VEGAN... YEAH FUCK YOU, MELISSA." - Thanks, Drew. (I lost that round.) We ended up back in the living room watching South Park and I somehow ended up cuddling with Dom on the couch. Joanna and Matt left, Drew and Amy started fighting, so the rest of us just layed around. Drew angrily came back down and Amy wanted me to go upstairs and stay with her. So, I did. Dom texted me and told me that he liked me and I felt guilty for maybe kind of leading him on. I went back downstairs and everyone was sleeping, so I squeezed onto the couch with Dom. It was really nice getting to cuddle with someone who I actually have some kind of history with. I fell asleep and when I woke up, I really just felt wrong. I wanted so badly to be in that position with the same stupid boy that keeps breaking my heart. I lied there and just thought about him for a while until I eventually got up and fell asleep upstairs. Just to easily sum something really personal up, not involving Dom, but I really lost a lot of respect for someone last night. It scares me how real some of these things are. It's terrifying to know that that could end up being me.

As I keep growing up, life gets more and more real. Maybe this makes me naive, but it really hits me hard sometimes.

As I'm detaching myself from Delaware, I'm learning to love it a lot more than a did just a month ago. I'm looking back fondly. I've been sitting in my room, cleaning out my computer, looking through old photos, old writings, and listening to Lafcadio on repeat. An album that used to make it hard for me to breathe, does a great job at summing up some of the happiest points I've had the past years. I love some of these people so much, but much more than that, I can't wait to move on. I can't wait to look forward to coming home and seeing these people. I'll always love the growth I've experienced here, but that growth stopped years ago.

Speaking of things to look forward to, I'm buying a $2 roundtrip bus ticket to Boston for the end of March. I'm going to an awesome show benefiting the Boston Area Rape Crisis Center. It might be a time where I'll finally start speaking up more about my experiences with sexual harassment/assault/rape. I'm seeing a couple friend's bands and staying with Vicky. I'm super excited for this weekend. Shortly after, I'm going to a young feminist conference, where grrrls from all over the country will come together and talk about the issues that still exist. THEN Stay Sweet Fest, where all my favorite people will come together in Richmond. 2011 is such a year to look forward to!