I know I shouldn't let myself get this wrapped up in something so soon, especially since there's nothing there to make me feel like anything good can come out of this, but I really can't help it. I set these little goals for myself and won't feel satisfied until I get what I'm looking for. but if I want it badly enough, won't it eventually come to me? or is everything based strictly on what's meant to be and I mean really... what is meant to be? I don't know if I really believe in all that. I guess I'll find out..

"I mean, most people would be like 'Yeah, man, I know a couple of his mutual friends.. I'll introduce you to him.' but we're like 'Fuck no, lets stalk this guy.." - I love my life.

today, I made a list of the things I do and don't want. after some of these experiences, I'm learning exactly what those things are.

everything's in place. the only thing maybe missing is a tall vegan boy to make me dinner.

going vegan starting today. I've cut meat out for almost 5 years, which started off as a way to ultimately go vegan. I think it's time to try it out.

I also need to reconsider my approach.

hopefully I'll be spending a lot more time in philly.. fingers crossed. fingers crossed. fingers crossed.

so this is the first night in weeks that I've stayed home with nothing to do. I'm filling my time doing stupid little things that don't need to be done at all. although I'm a firm believer that you control your emotions and things can only get as bad as you let them, I also believe that sometimes you need to let yourself just be a little sad. I don't necessarily have a reason to feel like this at all, but I'm gonna let it go for now. all I want to do today is lay around, burn incense, stare and christmas lights and listen to new music.

I feel like I have this awful ability of finding people, reeling them in, then leaving them exactly where I found them and never look back. but I do look back on nights like these and I feel guilty. maybe I look into it more than they do.. despite how much I want to be a good person, sometimes it just doesn't work out that way. at least I can honestly say I go into every situation with nothing but good intentions.

I've been mentally creating a to-do list. a list of goals, here they are..

1. Stop beating myself up. I feel like this is self explanatory because everyone does it, but I take it to extremes. it becomes so difficult for me to let things go, things that should've never mattered in the first place.

2. change my dieting habits. I get too lazy to cook anymore and end up putting some awful things into my body. I guess this is what I get. being lazy and cutting something out of your diet like meat/poultry/seafood usually doesn't mix well. ultimately, I want to go officially vegan within the next couple months.

3. follow through with my ideas. this has been the year of creative bursts. sometimes I sit in class, write the most awesome story in my head, don't bother to write it down.. then I lose it. when I get the urge to paint, I gotta paint. I feel like I've been selling myself short.

4. let myself feel however I want without feeling guilty. I don't have any obligations to anyone at this point in time. I don't feel the need to elaborate on this thought.

5. keep meeting awesome new people, keep having this awesome conversations. the more I let myself spill my thoughts, the more I realize how much credit I don't give others. humans are some beautiful creatures and they're all around me, always! I want to get to know them.. so I will.

6. keep following whatever I think feels right. if I want to take a year off school to do some volunteer work/travel/figure out what I want.. then I'm going to do it. I'm in my prime, I won't allow myself to look back and think "I should've..." so I won't let myself.

I'm sorry if this seemed like a ton of complaints, I'm looking at this as some self realization. I feel like myself for the first time in years. I'm getting back to that place where I always want to be.

we're in a swirl of colors. if we can keep quiet, we can stay here. the minute something so beautiful is discovered, the minute it will be taken away.

by our mothers,

by our fathers,

there's something about the warmth that comes from strangers that always sticks with me. you know, that feeling.. especially in moments of desperation, when a stranger lends you a hand, it's as if you become so preoccupied with this beautiful person with such a great soul, that you forget the reason why you're in need of help at all. I think the reason why I strive to be a better person and the reason why I firmly believe that there are still a few good people left is exactly this. maybe I think into it too much, but it makes me happy. I've been experiencing a lot of kindness on this level lately.

currently downloading some new tunes. I'm also working on a list of movies to begin my collection with. I've never been the type of person to want to sit down and experience movies, but I'm having a lot of luck through creative expression from branching out to different types of art. it seems so obvious to me now, but I feel like I sheltered myself a lot with my modes of expression. I would write, I would paint. now I'm finding an entire new level and feeling within short films, drawing, even some music.

oh, to finish this off, I guess I'll sum up my weekend a little. I saw tigers jaw on friday night. that was awesome. Saturday, I spent the day outside with close friends. not spending all my time outdoors seems like a waste now. that night, I went to prospect and met some awesome people. my first paragraph is almost directly aimed towards some of the people I met that night. including a specific someone, who seems to have no mutual friends with me or really exist at all.. but I feel confident that I'll see him again.

I'm starting to really dislike sundays. what I can't understand is frustrating. I am so frustrated..

tonight I realized a very beautiful thing.. I will never have as much fun with a silly boy as I do with my closest friends. honestly, I'm meeting and getting closer to some of the greatest people and I'm having SO much fun.

how to be happy (according to psychologists):

1. Realize that money does not guarantee happiness (there is a positive correlation between relationships and happiness.. not money and happiness. so go create good relationships and stop working so much)

2. Take control of your time each day (ex: spaced studying beats cramming, always. spaced studying= no stress. less stress= more happiness.. stop procrastinating)

3. Act happy (studies show that just by smiling more, you actually feel better.. try it)

4. Seek leisure activities that engages your skills (to boost your confidence, of course)

5. Join the "movement" movement (this is self explanatory)

6. Give your body the sleep it needs (once again, self explanatory.)

7. Focus beyond yourself, help others (self explanatory.. hopefully.)

8. Be grateful for what you already have (your glass is half full!)

9. Nurture your spiritual self (studies show that people who follow some type of religion/belief.. are actually happier.) - I find myself debating this one personally.

read those and thought it was interesting. such little things, but I notice the effects of just the ones I participate in.

today was much needed. I took a day off, drove around a lot, listened to a lot of Tigers Jaw, ate some oatmeal, found myself smiling. once I get into this mode, it's hard to get out. I need summer's freedom.

who ever said feeling small was a bad thing?

tonight I did something that I am completely, 100% passionate about. It just reenforced how much helping people understand the way they think means to me. if I don't do this for the rest of my life then I'm going to feel as if my life was wasted.

life's getting better all the time.

I think it's safe to blame it on the rain, but I've felt so gloomy all weekend.

"I should probably feel cheap, but I just feel free. and a little bit empty."

my mind is always in the past and future.

tonight was different. I went to a showing of "When The Night Comes" which as always, was extremely inspiring. I'm glad I'm older now and getting more and more into these types of organizations. It's giving me a chance to do what I feel my purpose on this earth is: to help people. I'm excited to get into helping start up this project and volunteer.

last week, Orion invited me to go with him to a poetry reading tonight. of course I was interested, I've always admired poets for being able to take everything they have to say and put it into a couple of lines. as a writer, I know how difficult that can be. so I went. it was exactly what I was expecting, it's good seeing genuine people gather around to share their art. it made me realize how much I miss writing on a regular basis, even on the days I don't feel like I have anything to say. I'm going to start carrying about my notebook again so I can start scribbling down my thoughts instead of mentally writing them, only for them to be erased in a matter of a couple of hours. I'm planning on attending these more often.

I feel like I'm finding my own little place again.

at this point, I've done all that I can do. I'm at the point in time that there is only one way to go.. I can't dwell around here anymore. If people can't see what's put right in front of them, then it's not my fault.

It's weird, but nice to meet people who actually want to do nice things for me. Even if it's just driving to see me and take me out to dinner. I could get used to people doing things for me for once, not the other way around. Maybe that's selfish of me, but it's still nice having things change around.

This weather is distracting my studying.

I have a feeling that today was a taste of summer. if I'm right, this might be the best summer of my life.

I put on a dress right after school, picked up Brett, got pizza (of course), met up with Sydney, Mariel and Kelsey at White Clay. that was nice, I forget how much I love being outside sometimes. then Mariel, Brett and I met up with Anthony and Andrew and got even more pizza. It was a simple, but very nice day.

I'm getting so excited for the upcoming months that it's going to be hard to think about anything else. So far: trip up to Boston for a weekend, road trip down south for camping and maybe a couple of music festivals, and now a potential road trip out west.

It's funny how much my moods correspond with the weather. Even just walking from the car to my house, I can't help but feel excitement build up. Between all these plans, the warm weather, and the new people coming into my life, things are looking up SO much. or maybe I am. I want to always feel this small and hopeful.

Last night felt good. There's no other way to put it. I felt like I was 15 years old again. Tesla and I drove to Baltimore, got dinner at an awesome vegetarian diner, drove around the city listening to 90's hip hop, picked up Amy, went to Sheetz, then sung our little hearts out to Your Favorite Weapon and Tell All Your Friends. Sometimes I think my mind gets ahead of me and I forget how easy it is to feel "free."

I've been writing a letter for the past couple of days. I keep crumpling up pages, re-writing, re-thinking and getting a little frustrated. I think I've got my thoughts straight, it's just hard to get them onto paper. Someone once told me that paper retains emotion that you can't anymore. I think this might be true. To send or not to send? Do I really need to?

So, today, I started to pan out next year. I'm probably going to be kicking myself in the ass once classes start for putting all this excess, unnecessary pressure on myself but I think it's going to be totally worth it. I'm actually getting OUT THERE. Something I wish I would've done 3 years ago, but I'm still proud of myself for coming to this realization before it became too late. I'm planning on balancing school work, clubs, yearbook, volunteering, getting that extra math credit and hopefully finding a job I don't hate. Plus trying to still have somewhat of a (enjoyable) social life.. I realize now that I'm going to be very busy, but I'm looking forward to it.

My mind has been going crazy the past couple days. It's both a good kind of crazy and a bad kind. I wish I was able to keep track of everything. maybe I'll try to type it out when I'm not so busy. Very inspired, but I'm also just as exhausted.

once again, I feel like it's time to start a new blog. maybe no one reads this and it's really only for my own personal documentations of emotions but I still like being able to type it all down. my last blog had A LOT of emotional baggage that I kind of felt was weighing me down. I feel like a whole new chapter of life is beginning, I'm welcoming it with open arms...

so,

here

it

goes: