so this is the first night in weeks that I've stayed home with nothing to do. I'm filling my time doing stupid little things that don't need to be done at all. although I'm a firm believer that you control your emotions and things can only get as bad as you let them, I also believe that sometimes you need to let yourself just be a little sad. I don't necessarily have a reason to feel like this at all, but I'm gonna let it go for now. all I want to do today is lay around, burn incense, stare and christmas lights and listen to new music.

I feel like I have this awful ability of finding people, reeling them in, then leaving them exactly where I found them and never look back. but I do look back on nights like these and I feel guilty. maybe I look into it more than they do.. despite how much I want to be a good person, sometimes it just doesn't work out that way. at least I can honestly say I go into every situation with nothing but good intentions.

I've been mentally creating a to-do list. a list of goals, here they are..

1. Stop beating myself up. I feel like this is self explanatory because everyone does it, but I take it to extremes. it becomes so difficult for me to let things go, things that should've never mattered in the first place.

2. change my dieting habits. I get too lazy to cook anymore and end up putting some awful things into my body. I guess this is what I get. being lazy and cutting something out of your diet like meat/poultry/seafood usually doesn't mix well. ultimately, I want to go officially vegan within the next couple months.

3. follow through with my ideas. this has been the year of creative bursts. sometimes I sit in class, write the most awesome story in my head, don't bother to write it down.. then I lose it. when I get the urge to paint, I gotta paint. I feel like I've been selling myself short.

4. let myself feel however I want without feeling guilty. I don't have any obligations to anyone at this point in time. I don't feel the need to elaborate on this thought.

5. keep meeting awesome new people, keep having this awesome conversations. the more I let myself spill my thoughts, the more I realize how much credit I don't give others. humans are some beautiful creatures and they're all around me, always! I want to get to know them.. so I will.

6. keep following whatever I think feels right. if I want to take a year off school to do some volunteer work/travel/figure out what I want.. then I'm going to do it. I'm in my prime, I won't allow myself to look back and think "I should've..." so I won't let myself.

I'm sorry if this seemed like a ton of complaints, I'm looking at this as some self realization. I feel like myself for the first time in years. I'm getting back to that place where I always want to be.