I tried to be as productive as possible today.
I woke up extremely hung over around 9. I drank two bottles of water, took a vitamin, and went back to sleep for 4 hours. I woke up feeling fine, but my mind was going a little crazy. I made myself a really good lunch of rice, beans and veggies. I got ready to go to the mall with my mom and Brett. I picked Brett up and we met my mom at the mall. I got a new planner that resembles the tattoo I want, a flannel, some make-up, and some nose rings.. which by the way I can't put in because I can't get my current hoop out? Anyway, while I was getting the nose rings, I decided to just go for it and pick up an application for Hot Topic. Turns out, I knew the girl working from many years ago so I'm already off to a good start. Fingers crossed. I need a job and although it's not my favorite store in the world, I know it's a place that I won't have to fake positive energy hahaha. I got some sushi at the mall. Drove home. Finished outlining my chapter for Environmental and cleaned out my backpack.
Friday nights rule.......
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Friday, September 3, 2010
I know I always say I'm going to take a break from drinking, but I really think I'm going to this time. At least, I'm going to cut back a lot and stop drinking liquor. Having a couple beers is different than taking 10 shots and making really stupid decisions. It always results in me coming home, crying, and regretting doing whatever I did. Sometimes it's not even that bad. I get off so easily because I always put myself in these situations with trustworthy people, but at some point, I'm not going to be so lucky.
Last night went extremely well (at first.) I got to Hannah's with Sydney. Chelsea, Amina, Britta, and Sara were already there.. with Hannah, of course. We drank mixed drinks, ate vegan deserts, talked about boys, and played a cute little card game. It's weird how comfortable I instantly felt around them. I know I always regret how little credit I give some of the people around here. Even if I can't totally relate to some people, at least there's still the effort. Feeling welcomed and enjoying a conversation is what really matters. Some more girls showed up later and things got a lot less personal, but it was still fun. After this, I made a stupid decision and some things I kind f wish didn't happen happened. That's life, though. Being 17 means making stupid decisions sometimes. All I know is, I'm lucky for having understanding/forgiving friends in my life.
So, where do I go from here? I am definitely cutting back on the drinking. I've never made so many regretable decisions until drinking became a bigger part of my life. I know this means something and I know it means that I shouldn't do it as often as I do. I'm going to monitor myself more. I know my limit and I know that liquor needs to be out of the picture completely. I'll let myself have drunk fun, but not TOO much. I have a crush on a boy and for the first time in a long time, I'm letting it work itself out. I'm not trying too hard. When I see him, I'll see how I feel about him and how he acts towards me. If he's not interested, then it's his loss. At least I know I tried and did it the right way this time.
Last night went extremely well (at first.) I got to Hannah's with Sydney. Chelsea, Amina, Britta, and Sara were already there.. with Hannah, of course. We drank mixed drinks, ate vegan deserts, talked about boys, and played a cute little card game. It's weird how comfortable I instantly felt around them. I know I always regret how little credit I give some of the people around here. Even if I can't totally relate to some people, at least there's still the effort. Feeling welcomed and enjoying a conversation is what really matters. Some more girls showed up later and things got a lot less personal, but it was still fun. After this, I made a stupid decision and some things I kind f wish didn't happen happened. That's life, though. Being 17 means making stupid decisions sometimes. All I know is, I'm lucky for having understanding/forgiving friends in my life.
So, where do I go from here? I am definitely cutting back on the drinking. I've never made so many regretable decisions until drinking became a bigger part of my life. I know this means something and I know it means that I shouldn't do it as often as I do. I'm going to monitor myself more. I know my limit and I know that liquor needs to be out of the picture completely. I'll let myself have drunk fun, but not TOO much. I have a crush on a boy and for the first time in a long time, I'm letting it work itself out. I'm not trying too hard. When I see him, I'll see how I feel about him and how he acts towards me. If he's not interested, then it's his loss. At least I know I tried and did it the right way this time.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Your smile didn't help matters tonight.
Today was an okay kinda day. Homeroom and just talking to Taylor like it was sophomore year again was cool. I do miss her sometimes, even though we're entirely different people and having a conversation isn't always the easiest. Environmental ruled. So far, I think it's safe to say that it's my favorite class. Photography was slow. I am very sure that at some point, the teacher and I are going to get into some type of disagreement. We went into the darkroom (which is a lot darker than I expected) and I got even more excited to take this up. My math class is going to double as a study hall, I'm sure of this now. I started outlining the first chapter for environmental during lunch. Listened to a stupid conversation. Went to yearbook, felt in between and really tired. Came home. Ate tacos. Watched twin peaks. Took a nap. Now, I'm going to get as much school work as I can done until I meet up with Sydney around 9. We're walking into Newark and going to a girl's name at Hannah's. A girl's night with a lot of girls I only know from drunk dancing at parties. Interested to see how this goes. I know I don't like a lot of people around here, but maybe this will change my mind.
Luck and calendars fell into my favor last night. No nerves, just excitement. Can't wait to see you.
Luck and calendars fell into my favor last night. No nerves, just excitement. Can't wait to see you.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Six things I wish I'd never done
I thought about this for a little and I don't think I'll be able to come up with six.
001. I wish I didn't fuck up my freshman year. I was in such a "fuck school, fuck my parents, fuck everything." mentality that I couldn't see into my future at all. Now that it's starting to reflect on me as a student and how much I care, I see how badly I fucked up. I just wish I wasn't spending all this time trying to undo my mistakes.
002. I wish I never dropped my "Fuck boys, I don't need them." mentality I used to have. I don't know when I turned into such a hopeless romantic. It was probably the first time I ever really cared about another person. I just wish it never happened because it would've saved me a lot of time.
003. I wish I explored more of my creativity when I was younger. I always really limited myself, mostly due to extreme amounts of anxiety. I have no idea where I could be now and what I'm missing out on. I could have some strange passion that I'll never really get to find out about because I'm running out of free time.
Welp, I think that's it.
001. I wish I didn't fuck up my freshman year. I was in such a "fuck school, fuck my parents, fuck everything." mentality that I couldn't see into my future at all. Now that it's starting to reflect on me as a student and how much I care, I see how badly I fucked up. I just wish I wasn't spending all this time trying to undo my mistakes.
002. I wish I never dropped my "Fuck boys, I don't need them." mentality I used to have. I don't know when I turned into such a hopeless romantic. It was probably the first time I ever really cared about another person. I just wish it never happened because it would've saved me a lot of time.
003. I wish I explored more of my creativity when I was younger. I always really limited myself, mostly due to extreme amounts of anxiety. I have no idea where I could be now and what I'm missing out on. I could have some strange passion that I'll never really get to find out about because I'm running out of free time.
Welp, I think that's it.
Maybe that's why I never got the chance to know so many people.
I think part of the reason why I get bummed so easily is because of how happy I am when I am happy. I've always had trouble finding a good medium, for basically everything in my life. If I'm happy, I'm ecstatic and there's usually no good reason. If I'm upset, I'm miserable and it's always for no good reason. The rest of the time, I don't feel anything at all. I don't know what this means at all.
Today was an alright kind of day. I woke up exhausted. Took my time getting ready since I've been waking up an hour and a half before I need to leave my house. That's nice. I hate rushing. Tried having conversation in homeroom today with a couple old friends. I get bored so easily. English was pretty cool. My teacher is away because of a surgery she recently had. She left us a very broad and vague topic to write about: ourselves. Surprisingly, I had an extremely easy time writing about this. I wrote a couple pages about this past summer and the impact it had on me, while others wrote about what college they were planning to apply to and what major they were interested in. Spanish was spanish. Like I said, nothing's really changed. My extra math class that's needed to graduate was stupid. I sat with kids who talked about how much they hated school and how much they loved smoking weed. They actually left to smoke halfway through the class. Sitting alone and reading during lunch every day it seems. Voluntary loner. My economics class seemed kind of iffy in the beginning, but I don't think I'm going to drop it. The teacher rules and seems like someone I'd like to get to know. It's too bad that other AP students are such assholes who sincerely believe they're superior to everyone else in the school. How am I ever going to have a conversation with them? I came home, slept, ate, and now I'm doing this.
From a more distant view, I thought pursuing you would be a little easier. In fact, I was told by various people that pursuing you WOULD be easy. We all know that's never ever true in my case. I'm sitting this one out, waiting a little, and hoping that it'll only mean good things later. I can't wait to see you, that's all.
Four day weekend starting tomorrow at 2:00. I can stay in Delaware and try to enjoy being around some familiar faces. Joanna's birthday party on Friday and Andrew's show on Saturday.. or I can go to Baltimore and ensure that I'll have a good time. I just need to figure out how buses work from here to there. OR I can go to Philly, see some familiar faces that I actually want to see, and then leave with good or bad news. Avoiding that stress and waiting it out seems like a better idea. I don't want to have to deal with any of that just yet. So, I think staying out of Philly for at least a week is a good idea. Even though I may have plans with a friend up there. We'll see.
... I've been using this blogspot way too much lately.
Today was an alright kind of day. I woke up exhausted. Took my time getting ready since I've been waking up an hour and a half before I need to leave my house. That's nice. I hate rushing. Tried having conversation in homeroom today with a couple old friends. I get bored so easily. English was pretty cool. My teacher is away because of a surgery she recently had. She left us a very broad and vague topic to write about: ourselves. Surprisingly, I had an extremely easy time writing about this. I wrote a couple pages about this past summer and the impact it had on me, while others wrote about what college they were planning to apply to and what major they were interested in. Spanish was spanish. Like I said, nothing's really changed. My extra math class that's needed to graduate was stupid. I sat with kids who talked about how much they hated school and how much they loved smoking weed. They actually left to smoke halfway through the class. Sitting alone and reading during lunch every day it seems. Voluntary loner. My economics class seemed kind of iffy in the beginning, but I don't think I'm going to drop it. The teacher rules and seems like someone I'd like to get to know. It's too bad that other AP students are such assholes who sincerely believe they're superior to everyone else in the school. How am I ever going to have a conversation with them? I came home, slept, ate, and now I'm doing this.
From a more distant view, I thought pursuing you would be a little easier. In fact, I was told by various people that pursuing you WOULD be easy. We all know that's never ever true in my case. I'm sitting this one out, waiting a little, and hoping that it'll only mean good things later. I can't wait to see you, that's all.
Four day weekend starting tomorrow at 2:00. I can stay in Delaware and try to enjoy being around some familiar faces. Joanna's birthday party on Friday and Andrew's show on Saturday.. or I can go to Baltimore and ensure that I'll have a good time. I just need to figure out how buses work from here to there. OR I can go to Philly, see some familiar faces that I actually want to see, and then leave with good or bad news. Avoiding that stress and waiting it out seems like a better idea. I don't want to have to deal with any of that just yet. So, I think staying out of Philly for at least a week is a good idea. Even though I may have plans with a friend up there. We'll see.
... I've been using this blogspot way too much lately.
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