I know I shouldn't let myself get this wrapped up in something so soon, especially since there's nothing there to make me feel like anything good can come out of this, but I really can't help it. I set these little goals for myself and won't feel satisfied until I get what I'm looking for. but if I want it badly enough, won't it eventually come to me? or is everything based strictly on what's meant to be and I mean really... what is meant to be? I don't know if I really believe in all that. I guess I'll find out..

"I mean, most people would be like 'Yeah, man, I know a couple of his mutual friends.. I'll introduce you to him.' but we're like 'Fuck no, lets stalk this guy.." - I love my life.

today, I made a list of the things I do and don't want. after some of these experiences, I'm learning exactly what those things are.

everything's in place. the only thing maybe missing is a tall vegan boy to make me dinner.

going vegan starting today. I've cut meat out for almost 5 years, which started off as a way to ultimately go vegan. I think it's time to try it out.

I also need to reconsider my approach.

hopefully I'll be spending a lot more time in philly.. fingers crossed. fingers crossed. fingers crossed.

so this is the first night in weeks that I've stayed home with nothing to do. I'm filling my time doing stupid little things that don't need to be done at all. although I'm a firm believer that you control your emotions and things can only get as bad as you let them, I also believe that sometimes you need to let yourself just be a little sad. I don't necessarily have a reason to feel like this at all, but I'm gonna let it go for now. all I want to do today is lay around, burn incense, stare and christmas lights and listen to new music.

I feel like I have this awful ability of finding people, reeling them in, then leaving them exactly where I found them and never look back. but I do look back on nights like these and I feel guilty. maybe I look into it more than they do.. despite how much I want to be a good person, sometimes it just doesn't work out that way. at least I can honestly say I go into every situation with nothing but good intentions.

I've been mentally creating a to-do list. a list of goals, here they are..

1. Stop beating myself up. I feel like this is self explanatory because everyone does it, but I take it to extremes. it becomes so difficult for me to let things go, things that should've never mattered in the first place.

2. change my dieting habits. I get too lazy to cook anymore and end up putting some awful things into my body. I guess this is what I get. being lazy and cutting something out of your diet like meat/poultry/seafood usually doesn't mix well. ultimately, I want to go officially vegan within the next couple months.

3. follow through with my ideas. this has been the year of creative bursts. sometimes I sit in class, write the most awesome story in my head, don't bother to write it down.. then I lose it. when I get the urge to paint, I gotta paint. I feel like I've been selling myself short.

4. let myself feel however I want without feeling guilty. I don't have any obligations to anyone at this point in time. I don't feel the need to elaborate on this thought.

5. keep meeting awesome new people, keep having this awesome conversations. the more I let myself spill my thoughts, the more I realize how much credit I don't give others. humans are some beautiful creatures and they're all around me, always! I want to get to know them.. so I will.

6. keep following whatever I think feels right. if I want to take a year off school to do some volunteer work/travel/figure out what I want.. then I'm going to do it. I'm in my prime, I won't allow myself to look back and think "I should've..." so I won't let myself.

I'm sorry if this seemed like a ton of complaints, I'm looking at this as some self realization. I feel like myself for the first time in years. I'm getting back to that place where I always want to be.

we're in a swirl of colors. if we can keep quiet, we can stay here. the minute something so beautiful is discovered, the minute it will be taken away.

by our mothers,

by our fathers,

there's something about the warmth that comes from strangers that always sticks with me. you know, that feeling.. especially in moments of desperation, when a stranger lends you a hand, it's as if you become so preoccupied with this beautiful person with such a great soul, that you forget the reason why you're in need of help at all. I think the reason why I strive to be a better person and the reason why I firmly believe that there are still a few good people left is exactly this. maybe I think into it too much, but it makes me happy. I've been experiencing a lot of kindness on this level lately.

currently downloading some new tunes. I'm also working on a list of movies to begin my collection with. I've never been the type of person to want to sit down and experience movies, but I'm having a lot of luck through creative expression from branching out to different types of art. it seems so obvious to me now, but I feel like I sheltered myself a lot with my modes of expression. I would write, I would paint. now I'm finding an entire new level and feeling within short films, drawing, even some music.

oh, to finish this off, I guess I'll sum up my weekend a little. I saw tigers jaw on friday night. that was awesome. Saturday, I spent the day outside with close friends. not spending all my time outdoors seems like a waste now. that night, I went to prospect and met some awesome people. my first paragraph is almost directly aimed towards some of the people I met that night. including a specific someone, who seems to have no mutual friends with me or really exist at all.. but I feel confident that I'll see him again.