Beach Fossils, windows open, cutting out articles for a project, minimal lighting. I'm pretty chilly too.

Despite almost constantly wishing I was somewhere else, I felt extremely peaceful today. My classes are just so simple now and they just flow together. I'm not struggling to understand anything or finish assignments by their due dates. I started looking into applications and I'm getting into writing my essay for Drexel. I'm not turning submitting my application early, despite receiving a request to do so. I'm taking my good old time in buttering it up as much as I possibly can. I've officially decided I'm only applying to Drexel and Temple. If one of the two doesn't work out, then I'm doing my two-year at CCP then transferring wherever I want to be in two years. Potentially the route I'll be taking regardless of acceptance, unless my financial situation looks good.

Nothing else to say. I'm learning not care so much.

Last night, I went to a party with a lot of old acquaintances/friends. I feel instantly welcomed within that group of people and it's cool being around people that I've known for more than a couple months. I had a really great conversation with a Christian guy (who's actually the mysterious fourth roommate) about his soon-to-be engagement and I told him all my boy problems. I think thus far, he's been the first person, to put this into perspective for me. He told me to always follow my instincts and do whatever feels right, even if no one else understands. He told me to give it time and regardless of what happens, something good will come of it. Even if that means meeting the equivalent or better. He told me how he's had the same type of luck all of his life. He's 25 years old and a couple months ago, he met his dream girl and she is just as crazy about him as he is her. It was just the most reassuring thought knowing that even though I do think my time's running out, I still have so many years and so many places to go and people to meet. For right now, though, THIS feels right and like I promised him, even if things don't work out to my advantage, I'll be okay. Before he left, he gave me the biggest hug and told me that he hopes that I find something to believe in. He said he doesn't necessarily want me to accept Christianity and that he's okay with me hating, but he said I deserve to believe in something. This guy ruled.

Last night also made me realize that no matter how much I love being around these people, sometimes, it's just not worth it. How shitty I feel afterwards just doesn't seem to be worth it anymore. If this battle theory makes sense, then I've lost 100% and it's time for me to leave. Permanently. It doesn't mean I don't love these people, but it hurts me more to see them. The distance and not knowing what they're up to helps. It's just pieces of my past that I'm trying to forget. It was a piece of time where I felt alienated by everyone I met. That's why I was so uncomfortable all those years. That's why I'd believe in anything, because I didn't know what else to do. I feel like 3 years of my life were spent trying to adhere to their standards. It's not their fault, it's mine.. but I know they can't understand that. They're still here, doing the same things, with the same people, in a slightly different location, but minus me. I don't know if I should feel good about that or not. I guess really, there's no way to feel about it.

I've been spending too much time around here and thinking. I miss my best friend, I miss drunk basement shows, I miss meeting people who I wanted to meet, I miss you.

It's kind of strange to think that this could be my last week in this bedroom, my last week of Newark High School.. ever. As soon as I settle into something, it's time to pack up and move again. This time, I don't really have another choice. I hope the pettiness of adults, which tends to be ten times worse, will blow over. My mind is in a thousand different places right now.

I'm getting sick. I need a job. I want to move out now.

Today was definitely the reassurance I needed. For a little, I forgot what completely drove me to want to get up, go to school, do well in school, and actually try when applying to colleges. Basically, today, during English, my guidance counselor came in to tell me that I successfully dropped AP Economics. That was great news in itself. About 75% of my stress is gone now. I told her I was going to try to aide for a teacher and that once I asked the teachers I had in mind, I'd come back to let her know who I'd be aiding for. I went back into the classroom and was telling my friend how badly I hoped my old Psych teacher had a CP class during 8th block and that I hoped he needed an aid. Literally second later, my guidance counselor walks back in and says, "Melissa, you had Martel for AP Psych last year, right? Well, he's looking for an aide for his 8th block CP class. Go ask him." I ran to him before Spanish to ask if I could aide and he was just as excited as I was. When I got to his class to aide today, I got extremely excited. That classroom started so much. I got to grade quizzes and listen to his lecture. I've already learned about 5 new things. I felt so nerdy, stopping between my Environmental notes to listen to him. All I know is, THIS is the thing I really love. There is nothing else that compares. This year is going to rule. I'm taking classes I'm actually interested in, the workload is heavy although not as heavy as it was when I was still in Econ, but it's extremely enjoyable work. I also get to take a Psych class, without technically being in the class. It's also an entirely different curriculum.. so I'll actually be learning new things.

My birthday is in less than a month now. Fest is in a little over a month. Autumn is here NOW. Things are slowly working their way back up. Only one thing missing and I think this is the best plan I've had yet.

My days have become extremely routine. I wake up, shower, drink a large amount of coffee to keep myself awake/sane, go through classes, come home, lay around for hours, start on homework, eat, homework, lay around, homework til I decide it's time for bed. It seems as if my body doesn't require nearly as much sleep as it used to. Maybe it's the caffeine counteracting with the stress I've put on myself. Who knows.

I went out to dinner and got pedicures with my mom today. That was a nice shift around in my "routine." She's trying to get me a car at the moment. I don't even ask her for these things and I can't help but feel that I really really don't deserve a lot of the things I'm given so easily. Even if I don't end up getting this car, once the money from my grandmother's (mom's mom) case comes in, she's using a portion to buy me at least a shitty car so I don't have to rely on my grandmother's anymore. Even if none of this works out, the fact that I have a mother who is willing to just hand me these kinds of things makes me feel extremely lazy, selfish, and also extremely grateful. We'll see what happens.

In the mean time, I'm rediscovering some of the great aspects of Autumn that I've seem to forgotten. I've been reading a ton lately. Even just the short stories we're told to read in my English class, I can feel my intelligence and understanding of something as general as myself broadening. I've been writing short stories, poems, one-line stories, and little notes all over the place. I've been listening to older Autumn music on repeat and trying my absolute hardest to stop being so miserable all the time. This includes, drives with the windows down, The Weakerthans blasting, and texting a really great guy that has turned into a big brother type. Whether he realizes it or not, he's becoming a really big part of my life.

Rambling. I don't even know what to say anymore. Looking forward to switching things up and hopefully seeing some improvement. I'm not giving up anytime soon.

I'm starting a new exercise. An exercise that will exercise whatever creativity I have left.

It's been years since I've written daily and I still think it's the only thing missing.

From this day forward, I'll be writing at least a short story daily. Even if it's stupid and based on events occurring in my life, I'm still going to write it. Most of them will be posted here and others will be scribbled in my notebook. It depends where I am when the story is written and how lazy I may or may not be feeling that day.

This is me apologizing in advance for all my thoughts being transformed into a messy short story that no one can ever understand.

She was gracefully born without a mouth. Her first year, she spoke of existence and the beauty of where she had just resided. She mastered the art of twisting and hiding this year. An art that would never get her anywhere.

As she grew older, she learned how to communicate. Her twisting and inability to speak made this a difficult task. She spoke with her actions, but her body moved less than her mouth did. Maybe that's why she never got the chance to know so many people.

One morning, she fell into a trap. A trap that had been set out for her since the day she was born. She spent her time gathering and observing in this tiny new world. She found early Christmas gifts, ancient jewelry, clothes that weren't her size, and enough words to compensate for the last 18 years. She spent the next 50 trying to figure out how to use them.

The day she stopped trying, she found her mouth.
The mouth that had been missing since the day she was born.

She found her mouth and now, now she was dead.