Beach Fossils, windows open, cutting out articles for a project, minimal lighting. I'm pretty chilly too.

Despite almost constantly wishing I was somewhere else, I felt extremely peaceful today. My classes are just so simple now and they just flow together. I'm not struggling to understand anything or finish assignments by their due dates. I started looking into applications and I'm getting into writing my essay for Drexel. I'm not turning submitting my application early, despite receiving a request to do so. I'm taking my good old time in buttering it up as much as I possibly can. I've officially decided I'm only applying to Drexel and Temple. If one of the two doesn't work out, then I'm doing my two-year at CCP then transferring wherever I want to be in two years. Potentially the route I'll be taking regardless of acceptance, unless my financial situation looks good.

Nothing else to say. I'm learning not care so much.

Last night, I went to a party with a lot of old acquaintances/friends. I feel instantly welcomed within that group of people and it's cool being around people that I've known for more than a couple months. I had a really great conversation with a Christian guy (who's actually the mysterious fourth roommate) about his soon-to-be engagement and I told him all my boy problems. I think thus far, he's been the first person, to put this into perspective for me. He told me to always follow my instincts and do whatever feels right, even if no one else understands. He told me to give it time and regardless of what happens, something good will come of it. Even if that means meeting the equivalent or better. He told me how he's had the same type of luck all of his life. He's 25 years old and a couple months ago, he met his dream girl and she is just as crazy about him as he is her. It was just the most reassuring thought knowing that even though I do think my time's running out, I still have so many years and so many places to go and people to meet. For right now, though, THIS feels right and like I promised him, even if things don't work out to my advantage, I'll be okay. Before he left, he gave me the biggest hug and told me that he hopes that I find something to believe in. He said he doesn't necessarily want me to accept Christianity and that he's okay with me hating, but he said I deserve to believe in something. This guy ruled.

Last night also made me realize that no matter how much I love being around these people, sometimes, it's just not worth it. How shitty I feel afterwards just doesn't seem to be worth it anymore. If this battle theory makes sense, then I've lost 100% and it's time for me to leave. Permanently. It doesn't mean I don't love these people, but it hurts me more to see them. The distance and not knowing what they're up to helps. It's just pieces of my past that I'm trying to forget. It was a piece of time where I felt alienated by everyone I met. That's why I was so uncomfortable all those years. That's why I'd believe in anything, because I didn't know what else to do. I feel like 3 years of my life were spent trying to adhere to their standards. It's not their fault, it's mine.. but I know they can't understand that. They're still here, doing the same things, with the same people, in a slightly different location, but minus me. I don't know if I should feel good about that or not. I guess really, there's no way to feel about it.

I've been spending too much time around here and thinking. I miss my best friend, I miss drunk basement shows, I miss meeting people who I wanted to meet, I miss you.

It's kind of strange to think that this could be my last week in this bedroom, my last week of Newark High School.. ever. As soon as I settle into something, it's time to pack up and move again. This time, I don't really have another choice. I hope the pettiness of adults, which tends to be ten times worse, will blow over. My mind is in a thousand different places right now.

I'm getting sick. I need a job. I want to move out now.

Today was definitely the reassurance I needed. For a little, I forgot what completely drove me to want to get up, go to school, do well in school, and actually try when applying to colleges. Basically, today, during English, my guidance counselor came in to tell me that I successfully dropped AP Economics. That was great news in itself. About 75% of my stress is gone now. I told her I was going to try to aide for a teacher and that once I asked the teachers I had in mind, I'd come back to let her know who I'd be aiding for. I went back into the classroom and was telling my friend how badly I hoped my old Psych teacher had a CP class during 8th block and that I hoped he needed an aid. Literally second later, my guidance counselor walks back in and says, "Melissa, you had Martel for AP Psych last year, right? Well, he's looking for an aide for his 8th block CP class. Go ask him." I ran to him before Spanish to ask if I could aide and he was just as excited as I was. When I got to his class to aide today, I got extremely excited. That classroom started so much. I got to grade quizzes and listen to his lecture. I've already learned about 5 new things. I felt so nerdy, stopping between my Environmental notes to listen to him. All I know is, THIS is the thing I really love. There is nothing else that compares. This year is going to rule. I'm taking classes I'm actually interested in, the workload is heavy although not as heavy as it was when I was still in Econ, but it's extremely enjoyable work. I also get to take a Psych class, without technically being in the class. It's also an entirely different curriculum.. so I'll actually be learning new things.

My birthday is in less than a month now. Fest is in a little over a month. Autumn is here NOW. Things are slowly working their way back up. Only one thing missing and I think this is the best plan I've had yet.

My days have become extremely routine. I wake up, shower, drink a large amount of coffee to keep myself awake/sane, go through classes, come home, lay around for hours, start on homework, eat, homework, lay around, homework til I decide it's time for bed. It seems as if my body doesn't require nearly as much sleep as it used to. Maybe it's the caffeine counteracting with the stress I've put on myself. Who knows.

I went out to dinner and got pedicures with my mom today. That was a nice shift around in my "routine." She's trying to get me a car at the moment. I don't even ask her for these things and I can't help but feel that I really really don't deserve a lot of the things I'm given so easily. Even if I don't end up getting this car, once the money from my grandmother's (mom's mom) case comes in, she's using a portion to buy me at least a shitty car so I don't have to rely on my grandmother's anymore. Even if none of this works out, the fact that I have a mother who is willing to just hand me these kinds of things makes me feel extremely lazy, selfish, and also extremely grateful. We'll see what happens.

In the mean time, I'm rediscovering some of the great aspects of Autumn that I've seem to forgotten. I've been reading a ton lately. Even just the short stories we're told to read in my English class, I can feel my intelligence and understanding of something as general as myself broadening. I've been writing short stories, poems, one-line stories, and little notes all over the place. I've been listening to older Autumn music on repeat and trying my absolute hardest to stop being so miserable all the time. This includes, drives with the windows down, The Weakerthans blasting, and texting a really great guy that has turned into a big brother type. Whether he realizes it or not, he's becoming a really big part of my life.

Rambling. I don't even know what to say anymore. Looking forward to switching things up and hopefully seeing some improvement. I'm not giving up anytime soon.

I'm starting a new exercise. An exercise that will exercise whatever creativity I have left.

It's been years since I've written daily and I still think it's the only thing missing.

From this day forward, I'll be writing at least a short story daily. Even if it's stupid and based on events occurring in my life, I'm still going to write it. Most of them will be posted here and others will be scribbled in my notebook. It depends where I am when the story is written and how lazy I may or may not be feeling that day.

This is me apologizing in advance for all my thoughts being transformed into a messy short story that no one can ever understand.

She was gracefully born without a mouth. Her first year, she spoke of existence and the beauty of where she had just resided. She mastered the art of twisting and hiding this year. An art that would never get her anywhere.

As she grew older, she learned how to communicate. Her twisting and inability to speak made this a difficult task. She spoke with her actions, but her body moved less than her mouth did. Maybe that's why she never got the chance to know so many people.

One morning, she fell into a trap. A trap that had been set out for her since the day she was born. She spent her time gathering and observing in this tiny new world. She found early Christmas gifts, ancient jewelry, clothes that weren't her size, and enough words to compensate for the last 18 years. She spent the next 50 trying to figure out how to use them.

The day she stopped trying, she found her mouth.
The mouth that had been missing since the day she was born.

She found her mouth and now, now she was dead.

Spring forward, fall back down

You're so good at making me the happiest and immediately after, the saddest girl on the east coast.

"I'm trying not to wonder where you are."

The sound of passing cars isn't always enough

weaving in and out

getting stuck in between

cold grass that feels wet

and muddy toes

cold nose kisses

backpack security on the walk back to your apartment

we were lost but we confidently led the way

weaving out

catching colds

i'll

talk

to

you

soon

001. Sometimes it really does just take a night out with some awesome people to remember that life isn't all that bad. Getting too drunk, dancing with strangers, texting a boy from the past, almost passing out in a field, veggie burgers at a diner at 3 in the morning, walking home, laying in fields to continue conversation, and then sneaking into my house... SERIOUSLY sums up my entire life.

002. It's kind of scary how much your voice brightens up everything. Even just the thought of it makes me so happy.

003. My dad is moving in and my life is about to drastically change.

Sometimes, it's just easier this way. I understand why this became such a routine a couple years ago. Not knowing is better than finding out, but only 50% of the time. The other 50% is too distant and unknown. It's getting so chilly outside and I shouldn't be feeling like this at all.

I dropped my Economics course because well, I'm lazy. Doing 4 hours of homework on a regular basis and still not totally being able to understand what I was supposed to understand. Now that that's out of my way, my stress levels will decrease and hopefully my general happiness level will increase. I feel like such a baby always finding SOMETHING to complain about, but I guess it's not my fault. There's always something missing and right now, I'm able to identify it but I'm not able to pursue it. What a difficult concept to let yourself follow.

We drove to Philadelphia at 11 last night to get vegan pizza at Ed's. It was comforting, but it made me realize how badly I want to relive this summer. THIS is the period of time that I'm supposed to be excited, but I'm just not. I'm still just going through the motions, not taking anything seriously. The answer is always the same.

I just miss my best friend.

Secretly, I'm okay with this.

I took a personality test today.

Are we what we are or what we want to be?

Weak's a good way to put it..

I've spent most of today moping around, not getting anything done, and now I'm extremely far behind. I have to use all of tomorrow to get the mass amount of homework I have to do and do well on a test on a book I didn't even read. My room's a mess. I miss my mom (both of them.) It feels like I've been awake for 10 days straight. I just want to be back in Baltimore or at a house show in Philly with people I love being around. Instead, I've got another year of stressing more than I've ever stressed before. I could think of so many things to complain about, but I won't.

I just have really bad luck. I need to stop trying so hard. This time, for my own sake.

No matter what, I always feel like shit when I come home. Even if I'm only gone for 2 days. There's been this bad feeling in my stomach since the beginning of August. I always have a bad feeling when I'm in Delaware. I feel like I'm going to throw up 90% of the time here. I don't know how I came to hate a place so much. This isn't where I should be. I just miss you.

"Take me back to your bed. I love you so much that it hurts my head."

Cute crusty art dude who thinks I'm cute too. Feeling welcome. Getting lost. Sleeping diagonal. Dancing. Getting sweaty. Too many "Nice to meet you"s. A hand full of good people. Feeling boring. 13 year old me.

I might want to make myself a little home in Baltimore.

As much as people say they do, they don't.

This weekend has already felt like a lifetime. There is nothing worse than sitting alone indoors while there's a million other things you'd rather be doing. I've already finished most of the homework I have that isn't even due until next week. Sometimes I regret cutting the ties I had with people around here. I wish there were people that I felt comfortable calling up on a Saturday night to see what was going on. Everyone just feels like half-friends. If I see you, I see you.

This sucks. I didn't expect these weeks to feel like last summer, but they do and it might be worse.

I tried to be as productive as possible today.

I woke up extremely hung over around 9. I drank two bottles of water, took a vitamin, and went back to sleep for 4 hours. I woke up feeling fine, but my mind was going a little crazy. I made myself a really good lunch of rice, beans and veggies. I got ready to go to the mall with my mom and Brett. I picked Brett up and we met my mom at the mall. I got a new planner that resembles the tattoo I want, a flannel, some make-up, and some nose rings.. which by the way I can't put in because I can't get my current hoop out? Anyway, while I was getting the nose rings, I decided to just go for it and pick up an application for Hot Topic. Turns out, I knew the girl working from many years ago so I'm already off to a good start. Fingers crossed. I need a job and although it's not my favorite store in the world, I know it's a place that I won't have to fake positive energy hahaha. I got some sushi at the mall. Drove home. Finished outlining my chapter for Environmental and cleaned out my backpack.

Friday nights rule.......

I know I always say I'm going to take a break from drinking, but I really think I'm going to this time. At least, I'm going to cut back a lot and stop drinking liquor. Having a couple beers is different than taking 10 shots and making really stupid decisions. It always results in me coming home, crying, and regretting doing whatever I did. Sometimes it's not even that bad. I get off so easily because I always put myself in these situations with trustworthy people, but at some point, I'm not going to be so lucky.

Last night went extremely well (at first.) I got to Hannah's with Sydney. Chelsea, Amina, Britta, and Sara were already there.. with Hannah, of course. We drank mixed drinks, ate vegan deserts, talked about boys, and played a cute little card game. It's weird how comfortable I instantly felt around them. I know I always regret how little credit I give some of the people around here. Even if I can't totally relate to some people, at least there's still the effort. Feeling welcomed and enjoying a conversation is what really matters. Some more girls showed up later and things got a lot less personal, but it was still fun. After this, I made a stupid decision and some things I kind f wish didn't happen happened. That's life, though. Being 17 means making stupid decisions sometimes. All I know is, I'm lucky for having understanding/forgiving friends in my life.

So, where do I go from here? I am definitely cutting back on the drinking. I've never made so many regretable decisions until drinking became a bigger part of my life. I know this means something and I know it means that I shouldn't do it as often as I do. I'm going to monitor myself more. I know my limit and I know that liquor needs to be out of the picture completely. I'll let myself have drunk fun, but not TOO much. I have a crush on a boy and for the first time in a long time, I'm letting it work itself out. I'm not trying too hard. When I see him, I'll see how I feel about him and how he acts towards me. If he's not interested, then it's his loss. At least I know I tried and did it the right way this time.

I've never meant it more when I've said that I've completely lost my mind.

I've lost my mind.

Your smile didn't help matters tonight.

Today was an okay kinda day. Homeroom and just talking to Taylor like it was sophomore year again was cool. I do miss her sometimes, even though we're entirely different people and having a conversation isn't always the easiest. Environmental ruled. So far, I think it's safe to say that it's my favorite class. Photography was slow. I am very sure that at some point, the teacher and I are going to get into some type of disagreement. We went into the darkroom (which is a lot darker than I expected) and I got even more excited to take this up. My math class is going to double as a study hall, I'm sure of this now. I started outlining the first chapter for environmental during lunch. Listened to a stupid conversation. Went to yearbook, felt in between and really tired. Came home. Ate tacos. Watched twin peaks. Took a nap. Now, I'm going to get as much school work as I can done until I meet up with Sydney around 9. We're walking into Newark and going to a girl's name at Hannah's. A girl's night with a lot of girls I only know from drunk dancing at parties. Interested to see how this goes. I know I don't like a lot of people around here, but maybe this will change my mind.

Luck and calendars fell into my favor last night. No nerves, just excitement. Can't wait to see you.

Give people who mean a lot. In absolutely no order:

001. Mamabear

002. Ashley

003. Tesla

004. Brett

005. Nick

Six things I wish I'd never done

I thought about this for a little and I don't think I'll be able to come up with six.

001. I wish I didn't fuck up my freshman year. I was in such a "fuck school, fuck my parents, fuck everything." mentality that I couldn't see into my future at all. Now that it's starting to reflect on me as a student and how much I care, I see how badly I fucked up. I just wish I wasn't spending all this time trying to undo my mistakes.

002. I wish I never dropped my "Fuck boys, I don't need them." mentality I used to have. I don't know when I turned into such a hopeless romantic. It was probably the first time I ever really cared about another person. I just wish it never happened because it would've saved me a lot of time.

003. I wish I explored more of my creativity when I was younger. I always really limited myself, mostly due to extreme amounts of anxiety. I have no idea where I could be now and what I'm missing out on. I could have some strange passion that I'll never really get to find out about because I'm running out of free time.


Welp, I think that's it.

Maybe that's why I never got the chance to know so many people.

I think part of the reason why I get bummed so easily is because of how happy I am when I am happy. I've always had trouble finding a good medium, for basically everything in my life. If I'm happy, I'm ecstatic and there's usually no good reason. If I'm upset, I'm miserable and it's always for no good reason. The rest of the time, I don't feel anything at all. I don't know what this means at all.

Today was an alright kind of day. I woke up exhausted. Took my time getting ready since I've been waking up an hour and a half before I need to leave my house. That's nice. I hate rushing. Tried having conversation in homeroom today with a couple old friends. I get bored so easily. English was pretty cool. My teacher is away because of a surgery she recently had. She left us a very broad and vague topic to write about: ourselves. Surprisingly, I had an extremely easy time writing about this. I wrote a couple pages about this past summer and the impact it had on me, while others wrote about what college they were planning to apply to and what major they were interested in. Spanish was spanish. Like I said, nothing's really changed. My extra math class that's needed to graduate was stupid. I sat with kids who talked about how much they hated school and how much they loved smoking weed. They actually left to smoke halfway through the class. Sitting alone and reading during lunch every day it seems. Voluntary loner. My economics class seemed kind of iffy in the beginning, but I don't think I'm going to drop it. The teacher rules and seems like someone I'd like to get to know. It's too bad that other AP students are such assholes who sincerely believe they're superior to everyone else in the school. How am I ever going to have a conversation with them? I came home, slept, ate, and now I'm doing this.

From a more distant view, I thought pursuing you would be a little easier. In fact, I was told by various people that pursuing you WOULD be easy. We all know that's never ever true in my case. I'm sitting this one out, waiting a little, and hoping that it'll only mean good things later. I can't wait to see you, that's all.

Four day weekend starting tomorrow at 2:00. I can stay in Delaware and try to enjoy being around some familiar faces. Joanna's birthday party on Friday and Andrew's show on Saturday.. or I can go to Baltimore and ensure that I'll have a good time. I just need to figure out how buses work from here to there. OR I can go to Philly, see some familiar faces that I actually want to see, and then leave with good or bad news. Avoiding that stress and waiting it out seems like a better idea. I don't want to have to deal with any of that just yet. So, I think staying out of Philly for at least a week is a good idea. Even though I may have plans with a friend up there. We'll see.

... I've been using this blogspot way too much lately.