It's about that time again..

I just started a new blog. A much more personal one; for my friends only. If you want the link, I'd more than likely be happy to give it to you.

Beat Happening and you.

It's obviously not that I miss you. Missing you would be nearly impossible; we've barely spent any time together. Being in that house, in that basement, and in that hallway where we first kissed. Nevermind the bedroom. Where your hands ran up and down my back and you once again, for the tenth time that year, assured me that I was who you wanted to be with. It all makes me wish that I still felt some hope for us. I've become to used to pushing ideas of us aside, in hopes of helping myself move on faster. Thus far, it's only left me with an empty feeling in my stomach when I wake up and when I fall asleep. I want that back again. I want your messy words reminding me that it'll be difficult, but it'll work. I want that feeling after you've left, as much as it hurt(s). I want you approaching me as the entire world completely disappears. I want to rest my head on your shoulder and let you apologize, because even though I say I don't, I need to hear it. I just want your squinty eyes looking into mine and your little teeth awkwardly smiling back at me. She's got an entire world right in front of her. I hope she realizes this.

Even so, progression doesn't mean anything to me if you're still so distant.

Don't be sad when it's not as it appeared

She lied motionless. Every movement requiring more effort than the last. She controlled her breathing, almost as if she was suffocating herself. The room remained unfamiliar. The paintings on the walls seemed to turn black, although they were bright the afternoon before. ---------

Headed to Baltimore this weekend. There's a really great comfort about that city. It's not a place I necessarily want to be, except at that moment. Just a handful of decent kids shoved into a fake reality.

Finding inspiration in the smallest things. I lied in bed with my Christmas lights on while reading a really great feminist novel. Sometimes I get so dizzy with ideas and other times I feel like my entire world is slowly closing. It scares me how distracted I can allow myself to get. I fill my mind with thoughts of boys who break my heart, friends who I can't express any kind of emotion to, and way to hide what I'm really feeling and what I really want to do. As soon as I find it in me to read a great essay, or a novel, or a short story, I find some kind of peace again. Pieces of me have fallen into everything I've ever created. Sometimes I'm terrified that I'll lose my ability to remember that when I really need to.

The love I have for reading, writing, putting my ideas into action, sharing my art with others, explaining my art to others, having a conversation with a stranger, discovering new music, listening to old music, taking photos, painting, traveling, and simply existing amongst so many really wonderful human beings surpasses my love for any single person. Sometimes my appreciation tangles me and leaves me stuck in one place. I just have to promise myself not to get so caught up next time.

Well, it's definitely going to be different. It's going to take some getting used to. I can't say that I'm going to miss it, but maybe I do a little already. I miss having so much hope in set in one place. It's kind of hard to know for certain that all of those months really were just a waste of time. Maybe I learned a little from it, but I mostly just feel disappointed that it never worked out.

I'm happy that this means a fresh start. Even if I can't have you to myself, being friends is enough for me. You're still one of the most fascinating human beings I've ever met. I never want you completely out of my life. I'm finally able to relax around you. Now that I know where we stand, a really great friendship could emerge from this mess.

And who knows where things will be in a year.. Someone told me when I was much younger that just because something won't work out right now, doesn't mean that they'll never work out. As far as I'm concerned, you're always going to be worth that wait. However, right now, I understand that we live very separate lives and it's time to move forward.

It's weird missing you when I know I shouldn't anymore. She's really lucky.

001. I've been feeling a lot better lately. I've lost about eight pounds in just a week. I know that's probably kind of bad, but I've been EXTREMELY careful this time. No more starving myself. Just good foods and working out. I sleep better, I am more focused, and I breathe better? Everything just feels a lot closer lately.

002. Submitting my Marymount application by hopefully Tuesday. I'm waiting on my recommendation letters to be finished, then I'm submitting it all at once. I'm not sure why, but New York has seemed a lot more tempting lately. I think it'd be the easiest way to get away, but still feel close. Although, talking to some nice people on the phone last night from Asheville makes me wonder if I get in, will I end up there? TIME WILL TELL.

003. Paul Baribeau is tomorrow. I get to see the girl I have a crush on and a boy I have a crush on and a boy I've been kissing lately. I'm coming home after school, working out, getting ready, loading a roll of film, buying beer, and getting to Drew's early. I'm so excited for this.

004. DOING HOMEWORK, EATING A BURRITO, TAKING A SHOWER AND SEEING BAD BANANA TONIGHT HOPEFULLY YAA

Laying next to someone who once seemed so out of reach. Seeing you in your most confident, yet vulnerable point made me feel just how close you were. Glancing over as you fell asleep and honestly feeling different than I ever had in my entire life. I don't love you, I really don't even know if I like you, but I'll hold you to that feeling for a long time.

I miss you every time I think of you.

Counting

I feel like I'm thirteen years old again. My entire life is consumed by something that doesn't really matter. I'm desperate to find what I'm actually searching for, or to even just figure out what that is. There are so many places I want to be and even more people I want to be with. I can't pin point anything because it always come right back to here and you.

There are things I miss and things I want back every single second of my life. Then sometimes I think I'll find those all again if I move up north by myself, where no one really konws me. Another piece of me thinks I belong down south, with someone I really care about.. but is that what I really want? Then the last piece of me, the piece that I'm always trying to shut up, is telling me that there's so much unfinished business where I am now. Am I ready to leave Philadelphia? Really, have I explored it for all that it's worth? Could I spend the following years drinking forties with these people? Probably not. I want more than that to myself, but nothing feels right anymore. I just don't know what I want at all. I wish I could be in a million different places at once. I feel like I'm running out of time. I'm channeling all of this confusion into me obsessively dieting/working out every day. It's an easy way to remind myself that at least I'm still in control of something, even if it's making me miserable.

I think what I need now more than anything, is to get on a bus with just my backpack and go visit a good friend in Baltimore. Or I need Stay Sweet, where I'll be surrounded by people that I love and hopefully it will remind me of what I really want to be doing. As of right now, all I want is my own little apartment with house plants and my cat. I want to go to bed at 10 o'clock, make myself all my meals, and get straight A's. Sometimes, I think this is all I'm ever really capable of.

I feel like crying.

So, yesterday.. Amelia picked Brett and I up from Harvest Market. We started driving towards Philly. We got a really awesome parking spot and walked a couple blocks to Blackbird. I ate my favorite vegan pizza and they watched. Then we met up with Brie, Victoria, and Steph at a coffee shop a couple blocks up. We sat there for a while til we realized we should probably already be drunk. We walked back to Amelia's car and went to the liquor store on 6th and Moore, which we later learned is referred to as the "shady spot." Brie, Victoria, and I went in. We each bought 2 forties of Steel Reserve. The dude behind the counter looked at me and then said, "You're not 21, are you?" I looked at him and was like "What? Yes, I am.." and then he basically said that Brie and Victoria looked 21, but I looked "young as shit." I then bullshitted a ton and said we've met many times before. It worked. Whatever. We drove to Kayla's new house and we were the first ones there. I gave Kayla a birthday forty and we all sat around and drank. They played beer pong for a little. Then, Amelia decided that we should all play the "drawing game." Which is my absolute favorite game in the world, and it's a thousand times better drunk. We went through the most ridiculous series of words/drawings and I fell so much more in love with those girls. At one point, Victoria randomly said, "So you made out with Shane, right?" which kind of surprised me.. but apparently he told her. So, of course, Shane became the topic of the night. I told her how I felt about him/how things have never really seemed to work out. So, Victoria told me her Ryan story. Which is apparently very similar, but she was just very persistent with him until he finally gave in. The quote I posted below is from our continued conversation. She basically just made me realize that it's not my fault.. at all. After she complimented me and said that I was "hot", I really did feel better about it all. In fact, after this weekend between her and Drew's advice.. I think it might finally be time to stop caring about it. I still did text him and told him we're making out again this Friday. He never answered, but he didn't answer Victoria either so who knows. We left pretty early because we had to pick Amelia's boyfriend up from 30th st. station. I said bye to everyone and made plans with Kayla to get pizza. I finished most of my forty on the drive home, despite how unbelievably drunk I already was. We stopped so I could pee/buy Brett cigarettes. I came home and immediately passed out.

On the way to Philly, I decided that tonight would determine where I should really be next year. If Steph and Brie were ending up in Philly, there's no doubt in my mind that I'd stay around for that. I just feel like I'm finally meeting a group of people that I actually want to be around/getting closer to them/they're liking me back. I even told Victoria I always thought she hated me then told me she loved me and wanted to make out with me, but she has a boyfriend and is being loyal. I think Philadelphia is going to go down as my "home" forever. I just love that place and those people so much.


One of Brie's drawings after the sentence of me finally dying because of too much loko.

"with those boys, you just gotta learn to never blame yourself. seriously they just never learned how to deal with other humans.. it's a jersey thing I think."

first time I've ever felt this okay with the entire situation. thank you so much.

tonight I, a) came to terms with my feelings for a certain person that I was always too scared to admit b) texted someone and told them how I felt flat out c) learned how to feel better d) hung out with my absolute favorite girls ever

001. Well, just because I'm feel super good about it.. Some shameless self promotion. Since that post, I've eaten SO much better. I've been fitting in 2-3 twenty minute workouts daily. After school, then after dinner. Loooots of veggies and fruits.. and tea.

002. One of the scariest things is finding out that someone you really care about could be really sick. Someone who is the absolute opposite of a bad person/someone who would "deserve" to have such a health scare. I guess there's not much else to do except be there for her.

003. I'm going to my first high school event next month. I'm meeting up with some new friends in a dress, we're taking pictures, getting drunk, then going to Senior Ball and Banquet. I've supposedly been nominated as "Most Relaxed." I'm really excited for this night.

004. Maybe it's wrong/fucked up of me (it is), but I'm allowing myself ONE more weekend of care-free fun with a boy. Maybe it won't even go that far, but I am going to tell him tonight when the timing is better.

005. Saving money, feeling so good, life is good.

rest stop reach out

the cassette outlined the month of july
your voice cracked as the batteries died
the water spun upward from below,
and the moon hung low to keep me awake
fragments pieced together
every time we flipped the tape
memories measured in miles
the strangers took me away
i begged myself to stay in one place,
but summer time kept you grounded
and the clock reminds me every single day
that inside you the fire burning
has it kept safely away
between two bottles
that we're always stuck in
with no sure way of finding each other
unless we tip over
and crack

Trying to feel better.

My body has recently felt like it's shutting itself down. My eating habits have gotten absolutely terrible. There was once a time where my diet mostly consisted of raw vegetables, fruits, and dairy. I ran for 30 minutes daily. I felt SO GOOD. Recently, all I do is eat whatever I can find that's vegan. I think the lack of nutrition/energy I'm taking in has left me unable to do much of anything without disgusting amounts of caffeine and way too much sleep. I eat maybe one, sometimes two meals a day.. especially throughout the week. They're rarely actually good for me, usually just something to keep me feeling "full." On weekends, I eat just as badly.. but I actually cook for myself. Then I drink too much alcohol and completely dehydrate my body. I also just recently realized how terribly awful liquor and beer are for you. I mean, I know that's a given.. but 150+ calories PER SHOT? That's honestly me consuming around 1,000+ calories a night simply in drinks. Multiply this by 2 or 3 times a week, and that's what I'm putting into my body.

SOMETHING has to change. Besides the fact that I think I'm at the highest weight I've ever been, I'm also kind of concerned for my health. I generally don't eat lunch (and sometimes breakfast), but that is going to HAVE to change. I'm sick of feeling like I don't even have enough energy to leave my bed from 2:00 until I get up for school.. literally. This is my routine almost daily. Maybe this means I'm not capable of taking care of myself. I don't know. Today, I felt like my entire body was angry with me. I couldn't concentrate on anything because my head hurt so much, despite the THREE cups of coffee I had this morning.

These are the changes I'm forcing myself to make, starting right now:

001. No more drinking anything that isn't water or organic juice. Seriously no more excessively sugary drinks. They make me feel so sick.
002. Take a vitamin daily. When I did make myself do this, I saw a difference in my health overall.
003. No more fried foods.. or at least, keep it extremely limited. Going out and never having any foods to eat always leaves me ordering SOMETHING fried. Usually french fries. I can't deny my love for disgusting, greasy foods.. but once again, I know that they're apart of making me feel so shitty all of the time.
004. Eat a solid three meals a day. If possible, more. I'm going to actually get out of my bed on time so I have time to eat something in the morning. I'm going to start bringing my lunch to school. Eat when I get home, then again at dinner time. THEN that's it.
005. Which means no more eating really late. Not eating all day then realizing I'm starving once I'm already in bed really has to stop.
006. I need to be a lot more active. I'm going to get back into the routine of taking Rudy for a 30 minute walk/jog/run daily. I stopped for a little because of the ice, but I want to get back into that.
007. Start eating what's healthy, not what's always just vegan. The amount of times I've just not eaten anything at all over something that might not be 100% vegan is kind of ridiculous. I've just let myself not eat for really long periods of time, despite being hungry, because there was nothing vegan available. Of course, I don't want to start drinking milk or anything like that, but I'm definitely putting the strict veganism thing on hold. I'm not good at it. My lack of time/access to vegan foods makes it a lot more difficult. I'll pick it back up this summer. Especially once I move and am buying my own groceries.


We'll see how this goes..

Scattered thoughts

001. A piece of me wants to get as far away as possible. The other piece of me wants to discover what's left of this place. I feel like there's so much unfinished business in Philadelphia.

002. Today, I kissed someone while I was sober for the first time in a year.

003. This weekend, someone finally said it before I did. "You guys seem so perfect for each other."


I'm just confused.

Friday- Mike told me to go to some show at the Nacho House and I agreed. Amelia I/Med me later on and asked to hang out, so I told her about the show. She and her friend Henry picked me up around 7:30. We parked at Drew's and Tom was behind us. We all walked to the show from Drew's/they smoked. We got to the show and everyone was there.. pretty much. Corey, Drew, Mike, Andrew, Andrew's cute girlfriend, etc. Mike gave me one of his beers and I waited outside for Sydney. Once she got there, I went inside the garage where the show was and it was freeeezing. Andrew was being an asshole and kept leaving/slamming the door/laughing/saying how much the music sucked really loud. Everyone got really mad about it and it somehow came back to me. Some dude told Drew to tell me to stop being so disrespectful.. So we all felt really weird and left. I accidentally didn't tell Amelia I was leaving and felt SO bad/couldn't tell her since she didn't have a phone. We went back to Drew's where we sat around and drank bad beer. I somehow got Henry's number and explained to Amelia what happened. Mike offered me some of his adderall then I smoked and drank too many beers. Needless to say, the night went really well/maybe a little bad. Amelia came back and I talked to her on the couch a lot. I left and laid in the dark and listened to Blatz.

Saturday- I picked Mike up pretty early and we drank coffee/listened to music/drove around a lot. We picked Brett up and then I dropped Mike off. Brett and I did part 1 of my photo project and ate tacos. We went back over to Drew's. A lot of weird people were there.. it was a weird mix of people. The handful of people I really don't like in Delaware were there. I still had fun, though. I went on a beer run with Cody since it was his birthday and he was already drunk. That was a scary drive. We came back and hid the beers but everyone knew where they were. Barbie came and it was awesome getting to talk to her again. Phoebe came too and we talked about boys. Drew gave me some of the best/most comforting advice I've gotten in a long time. Coming from someone who more than likely has been in that position is very helpful. I got kind of emotional after that and we all went up to Drew's room and I whined for a little. I finally sucked it up and went back to hang out with Mike. I had plans to stay there that night, but I just wanted to come home by 1:30. Phoebe drove me home and I somehow stopped myself from texting you.

Always fucking waiting. Does it even matter anymore?

I'm exactly back where I was late October. I try to work up the courage to text you first, but it never happens. When you finally text me, there's a huge relief. When you don't, I wonder if I should put forth a little more effort.. or if I even want to. I know I like talking to you. Despite how dry our conversations can get, you still try. You actually have an interest in me. It's not just me asking you questions and you answering them. I know I like seeing you. Despite how unbelievably awkward it usually is. I don't know that if you were placed next to another specific boy, if I'd choose you. I want to believe I would, but I don't think I would. I'll find out in a couple weeks.

Sometimes I feel guilty for being as mean as I can be sometimes. I think my grandma is the single person who just never gives up on me. I can completely shut her out, but she always finds ways to still help me. I can be a really fucking stubborn person sometimes. We're polar opposites and I'll never understand how these people raised me, but I'm still thankful.

Nostalgia's been gripping lately. I never saw myself as someone who would get worked up over graduating and moving on with life, but it turns out that I am. I think Beach Fossils sums up how I'm feeling really well.

There's one single person that's keeping me sane. He always manages to do so and he has no idea. I'm working on putting this into words in a letter I'm writing him. He makes me so happy and I never understand why.

I woke up yesterday morning feeling incredibly bummed that I was missing the show at the church. That's when Joanna texted me and told me that she still really wanted to go/figure out a way to. So, I ordered our tickets and met her at her work right when she got off. She drove up to the show, we found free parking only like 3 blocks from the venue, and got inside just in time to see Tigers Jaw. The set was shorter than usual, but they played the 3 songs off the new album that I wanted to hear. I ran into Nora and spent Algernon's set with her. She's so adorable/lovable/fun to be around. Seeing Algernon without the usual group of kids feels kind of weird, but I still managed to have fun. Being alone and crowd surfing to "Some Kind of Cadwallader" made me miss Nick a lot. I tried finding Adam a lot around this time, but he seemed to be nowhere. I went outside with Brett for him to have a cigarette and we ran into Sabrina. We talked to her a while and she made me promise to actually keep in touch. Menzingers set was absolutely nothing short of ridiculous, as usual. They played ALL the songs I wanted them to play. I had 150+ pound men landing on my head for about 80% of the set and I was in A LOT of pain. Of course, always being the smallest person up front, sucked it up. I saw Dennis in the crowd randomly and received a very warm welcoming from him. I kind of miss seeing him every weekend. They played Tasker-Morris station and I felt really bummed that Tesla wasn't there too. During Sunday Morning, Hunter and I stage dove together and held hands in the air and screamed the words together. It was cute. Everyone ended up on the stage screaming the words and a nice dude saw me get thrown around and asked if I was okay, then helped me get back up. After this, I ended up falling into Vinny, who picked me up, squeezed me, and sang to me. Knowing that this is where we are, from where we were, is... just crazy.

I always feel in between in regards to where I am and where I want to go. Nights like last night make me realize how great what I have right in my hands is and how much I'm really going to miss. The Philadelphia skyline is completely embedded in my mind.

Day 2 of putting myself in potentially awkward situations: A girl I've gone to school with for the past couple years and her best friend texted me last night looking for something to do. I, of course, was laying in bed with Brett, not planning on doing much. However, I agreed and got ready. They picked us up and we went to Homegrown for fries. We didn't have much of a plan after we ate, so we just kind of drove around til Brett's friends said we could stop by their party. I've been to a few parties with these kids and it's always a pretty good time. We show up and Andrew Cullen can barely walk. We sat in the basement and I drank a mixed drink that tasted exactly like licorice. I tried the latest malt liquor energy drink and it just made me miss Loko. After I finished my drink, I said out loud how badly I wish I had a forty. Moments later, Devon hands me a 80% full forty and tell me it's mine. How I get such awesome friends is beyond me. Once everyone was drunk enough, we started dancing and people drew on Andrew's face. We played the compliment game and I can really see myself getting closer to both Cady and Michele. We went upstairs to pee and a couple of us ended up in the hallway talking about drugs. I've got plans to finally try the things I've wanted to try soon with some promising people. We left around two and I have no idea how it got so late so fast. We stopped at Wawa on the way home so Cady could buy cigarettes since it was her birthday and she could. I stoked up on food and we all smoked a cigarette, despite none of us actually smoking, in honor of Cady being 18. They dropped me off at my house and I woke up confused as usual.

I'm kind of pushing myself back into the "just go with whatever comes my way" mindset. If I've got nothing to do and someone asks me to go to a questionable hardcore show, I'm going to go. I always prove to myself that going out can be fun if you go into the situation with an open mind.

So, yesterday afternoon, Joanna invited me to come with her to Phoenixville with her, Max Davis, and Damian Harmon. She picked me up and we listened to new Taylor Swift on the drive to her house. There, we met Max and Damian. I almost instantly liked Max. He's just extremely friendly and his laugh's hilarious. I used my awesome direction skills and got us to the show right before Weeded Out played. The show seemed to drag on because I didn't really like any of the bands. I hung out with Sarah Wilcox a lot. It's been really nice seeing her around since she moved back. Eventually, we realized we were starving so Drew, Joanna, and I got fries/old bay fries upstairs and I watched them play Battleship for a while. Eventually, the show ended and we split into two cars. Max, Joanna, and I rode in one car. Drew, Damian, and Matt rode in another. We sang really loud on the way home, of course. "Max, we're going to sing to you.." "Oh, ok, is this like a full body experience or something?" I texted Tesla a lot on the ride home as well and she was at the same party as Reece. He told her he hasn't talked to me in a while and to say hi for him. In a really strange way that I can not understand, it made me really miss him. Maybe that's just on a friendly level, but I'd really like to lie in his bed and talk to him for hours again. Anyway, we met back up at Amy/Drew's. John, Joanna, and I drove to a really sketchy liquor store in Maryland to get a case of pbr and some whiskey. We sat around the living room for a while and I listened to Max tell really funny stories. I showed Dom all the pictures in my phone. Once Max and Damian left, we all went into the kitchen to play Kings Cup. I swear that will always be one of my favorite drinking games if everyone's in the mood to play. It can get so funny. "NEVER HAVE I EVER BEEN A VEGAN... YEAH FUCK YOU, MELISSA." - Thanks, Drew. (I lost that round.) We ended up back in the living room watching South Park and I somehow ended up cuddling with Dom on the couch. Joanna and Matt left, Drew and Amy started fighting, so the rest of us just layed around. Drew angrily came back down and Amy wanted me to go upstairs and stay with her. So, I did. Dom texted me and told me that he liked me and I felt guilty for maybe kind of leading him on. I went back downstairs and everyone was sleeping, so I squeezed onto the couch with Dom. It was really nice getting to cuddle with someone who I actually have some kind of history with. I fell asleep and when I woke up, I really just felt wrong. I wanted so badly to be in that position with the same stupid boy that keeps breaking my heart. I lied there and just thought about him for a while until I eventually got up and fell asleep upstairs. Just to easily sum something really personal up, not involving Dom, but I really lost a lot of respect for someone last night. It scares me how real some of these things are. It's terrifying to know that that could end up being me.

As I keep growing up, life gets more and more real. Maybe this makes me naive, but it really hits me hard sometimes.

As I'm detaching myself from Delaware, I'm learning to love it a lot more than a did just a month ago. I'm looking back fondly. I've been sitting in my room, cleaning out my computer, looking through old photos, old writings, and listening to Lafcadio on repeat. An album that used to make it hard for me to breathe, does a great job at summing up some of the happiest points I've had the past years. I love some of these people so much, but much more than that, I can't wait to move on. I can't wait to look forward to coming home and seeing these people. I'll always love the growth I've experienced here, but that growth stopped years ago.

Speaking of things to look forward to, I'm buying a $2 roundtrip bus ticket to Boston for the end of March. I'm going to an awesome show benefiting the Boston Area Rape Crisis Center. It might be a time where I'll finally start speaking up more about my experiences with sexual harassment/assault/rape. I'm seeing a couple friend's bands and staying with Vicky. I'm super excited for this weekend. Shortly after, I'm going to a young feminist conference, where grrrls from all over the country will come together and talk about the issues that still exist. THEN Stay Sweet Fest, where all my favorite people will come together in Richmond. 2011 is such a year to look forward to!

Today really really ruled. I woke up after about twelve hours of sleep feeling really rested. I ate a little and waited til 3:30 rolled around. I didn't leave on time, but still. I picked Brett up and we met Amelia at Kim's Kafe. We drove to Philly and met up with Brie, Steph, and one of their friends at Govinda's. I split a chicken cheesesteak with Brett and got a cheesecake to go. We got to the show just as Byrds of Paradise were ending. Mikey Ergs! set was pretty boring, mostly because of the crowd.. but oh well. Lemuria wasn't all that great either. Philly always either really impresses or disappoints me. After the show, we drove around west Philly for what felt like hours. We finally made it to Satellite and got coffee. Then we walked to Lucky's for tofu, of course. I dropped Brie and Steph off at their houses. Said bye to Steph, which always makes me sad because I never know just when I'll get to see her again. Her and Brie have easily become some of my favorite people. I hope I start spending more time with them. I also hope they get into their school in Montreal so I can go visit all the time. Anyway, Amelia, Brett, and I drove back to Delaware on route 1 which is such a nice drive. We talked about drugs and kissing boys. Amelia is another person I can see myself getting closer to, despite how little it seems we have in common. Overall a gewd day.

I think the sign that I was nearly in tears when you left the other night, despite our first kiss just happening means I should really try to move forward. Going from being so happy that things might change to realizing that it's you and it won't. I'll never know when where we stand. That's something I've come to terms with. But when I'm always thinking of you and you finally give me some more attention than usual, it puts me back to where I started months ago. I'm sick of driving by your house and wishing more than anything that I was in there with you. I'm sick of reading your statuses and wishing I already knew that firsthand. I'm sick of getting so excited then bummed but tenfold. I don't know if you know how much control you have. No one else has seemed worth it since I met you. I'm just tired of thinking all of the time and wondering what I did wrong.


I want to start dating girls. It'd obviously be my first experience doing so, but it's something I really want to try. There's only a handful of girls I ever considered dating. Most of them are long gone. One of them is around, but I hardly know her and I think she considers herself straight. This seems like an entirely new level of dating to me. I know it's not.

Oh, my day:

I woke up to find that it was in fact a snow day! Which was great because I was so exhausted. I went back to bed til about 11. I frantically texted everyone I knew that would be willing to model for me. Phoebe, as always, came through and told me she'd meet me later on. I took a shower and lied around my room til about 3. I drove to main st. in the snow and sat in the parking lot for a good 30 minutes while I waited for Phoebe and mop. We took a couple photos in Panera til Andrew met us then we started walking around outside. I think I got a couple good photos. I'll find out tomorrow. We drove back to Andrew's in separate cars so he could drop his truck off. I had a good conversation with Phoebe. I can see us getting a lot closer in these next few months. We all got pizza afterwards. Then I drove home. I finished the rest of my articles, did my math and spanish homework, and wrote both remaining essays. I'm hoping to submit them tomorrow or Friday. then, I'll be all done my assignments and apps! That'll leave next week for only midterm stress. Then, I can get started on my research paper.

Everything's falling into place as far as what I can control. It feels good.

A couple days ago, someone said, "Well, we've only got about four more months here anyway.." That's it. Four months and I'll be repacking my bedroom into plastic bags and moving wherever I end up. Of course, I'm excited, but putting it's putting everything into perspective. We cleaned out our big freezer recently and inside were those 100 ice pops we bought at the beginning of one summer that we never even came close to finishing. There's very little I feel I'm leaving behind in Delaware, but it just hit me that one of them is you. Even though we don't talk anymore, even though I've seen you few enough times to count on one hand in a year, I can't help but feel weird that I'm going to be so far from you. A piece of me has a hard time seeing your photo and remembering that you were once the only thing I saw hope in. I never expected to marry you, I never expected to still be with you when I went off to college, but now that I'm so close to the times I didn't see you in, I feel like there's still space there. I don't miss you and I think I've said that a thousand times. A thousand times where someone doesn't believe me. I miss the comfort of warmth and spending all of your time loving someone that loves you back. I hope wherever I end up, I find that again. No matter if it means a boy, a girl, a hobby, anything. I want to feel that unconditional love.

"Subject to predicate, my thoughts are incomplete. Fragmented phone calls and the lights are on when I fall asleep cause my brain feels like celery. Cause your brain is too ample for me. Pull on your chromosomes. Fate fixed to gravity and you've got this knack for depicting a way of speaking what you see. I wish you were lying next to me. But you're not here. You're in New York City. Why d o you have to be in New York City?"

So unbelievably relevant. Crushfield feels like the perfect soundtrack describing us and our relationship (more so the non-existent one) the past six months. Female fronted, and better yet, girl bands are the best to listen to.

Today instantly started off as an off-day. I woke up and couldn't bring myself out of bed, I was entirely too exhausted. On top of this, Kitty Coop has been getting into the habit of waking up around 5:30 every morning and meowing extremely loud and playing with something random in my room. It's impossible to sleep though. So, I lied around for about 30 minutes before finally getting up and getting ready. I left my coffee and my phone at home. My phone wasn't much of a concern to me, but the coffee definitely was. An awful headache and the inability to keep my eyes open from 7:15 a.m. til 2:00 p.m. was the worst. Environmental is becoming a bigger and bigger waste of time. Spending an entire week studying invasive species? Great time management. I am considering taking the AP exam because a science credit would be nice to have next year.. even though it's entirely irrelevant and will probably end up counting as an elective. Photo is getting more and more frustrating. I'm entirely supportive of the art some of the people around me are making, but I'm getting sick of explaining mine to them. When I pose my models next to a chopped up baby doll, it's for a reason. Reasons that go over their heads and then I just feel frustrated. Oh well. In yearbook, we wrote letter to our instructor basically explaining why we felt she was wasting our time. We're all such sarcastic assholes. We're the seven kids who sit in the corner of the room and mock everyone around us because we're so tired of the bullshit. Joe ran to one of the art rooms and brought back bows to make our letters seem nicer, even though it just made them ten times more sarcastic. I came home and took a 3.5 hour MUCH NEEDED nap. I woke up and got 3/8 articles done, part of my photo project done, and that's really it. Since I'm counting on a snow day, I'm going to finish the other 5 articles today, finish my Spanish homework, and come up with a solid idea for my photo project which I'm planning on finishing tomorrow. THEN my Temple app definitely needs to be submitted within the next week. I also really need to start studying for midterms. I'm basically swamped this entire week so that I can have a ton of ~fun~ this weekend. Friday, I got Shane's band on a show at Drew's. That will be a hit or miss, as always. It'll still be nice to drink a forty with some Newark and Philly friends whilst listening to some not so good music. Saturday, I'm not sure if I'll be going up to Philly early and spending time with some friends. Steph will be home so I know I want to get lunch with her and maybe go to one of the shows that's happening with her and Brie? Sunday is Lemuria and Mikey Erg! which I'm obviously excited about.

Back to documenting my life.

I miss you.

A long time record

Sidewalk feels like ice
When we walked barefoot back to your apartment
Hands pinned down at my side
I didn't want to let you know
That I counted your steps
Afraid to walk too fast
Or too slow
Obvious intentions,
High hopes,
Fresh skin over the evidence
Formatting our faces to fit together
A haven of dirty blankets
Validation and an easy way in
Progression is measured by the number of bones
Before you know it, you're covered
I just didn't want to let you go
Now I'm fast asleep
In a boy's room with the door closed

The things I'm most tired of are the things that stay most consistent in my life. I don't know how to get away from them.

I never know how to feel about you and that terrifies me. I miss you on a different level than I miss any of my other friends. I don't think about you all of the time the way I do when I have a crush, but I think about you more than I think about any of my other friends. I don't ease into conversation with anyone else the way we do. I feel so comfortable spilling every thought to you, because you're the first person I've ever felt understands what I'm saying, all of the time, every time. Maybe I've just never felt this connected to a person I felt I would never get to know. Maybe there IS something there. My drunken words say so, but I just don't feel it now. As angry/frustrated some of the things you say to me can make me, they never phase me. You're the only person who can always make me laugh without really trying. You're the only person I want to always talk to, but get annoyed when we are talking. I want to cuddle with you and I can't imagine us ever being that close to each other. You fascinate me, but I think you're just like everyone else. But then I think of your hooded sweatshirt and Brooklyn.

Ever since I met you, you've left my thoughts entirely twisted. I guess I just can't wait to see you. I hate how long we go without seeing each other.

Next time I have a strong feeling that I'm doing something that I'm going to later regret, I need to listen to myself.

It wasn't until 2010 that I learned that it takes more than a person being physically attracted to you to like you. Being able to hold conversations, have similar interests, and hang out with each other's friends is a crucial staple in relationships and without it, it will without a doubt fail to be a healthy/good relationship. When I was younger, I used that to my advantage and maybe took it a little overboard. I knew a boy who thought I was cute would give me multiple chances for me to get it right and I was never THAT concerned whether or not we could talk, not just flirt with each other. Every relationship I was in or boy I was talking to, was simply a physical attraction and it being nice to hear "you're cute," "wish you were here," or just having someone THERE all the time.

I first realized it when I met a particular boy over the summer. We had decent conversation. I was more fascinated by him than our actual potential. When we first met, he told me thought I was cute and I really depended on that for him to keep giving me chances. When he realized I wasn't good at holding conversations or meeting new people, he inevitably lost interest. This was the defining moment, a moment I felt myself growing up, and realizing that if I want a relationship to work out or if I want a boy's interest on a deeper level than just a physical one, I need to stop hiding and being so shy. I keep it on my mind from now on and maybe it really is just me finally growing up. I know that when I was fifteen, creeping on a guy and being really flirty worked.. but it doesn't know and really, it SHOULD not work ever. It made me feel like I took steps back and now I'm desperately trying to clean up those pieces and seeing if you'll give me a second chance.