There is hope for us. There are constants we can't define. Is it all used up? Are we out of time?

Did you celebrate without me?
Did you tell them all about me?
Did you sell me out?
If you ever had a doubt..
Kiss me on the mouth.

woke up yesterday afternoon to brett sleeping on my floor and my dad with a job application. I filled it out in the sun and waited to tesla to pick us up. we're fucking the system in a totally new way this time. we drove to the delaware water gap and didn't get there until the sun was basically set. we set up camp in the dark and tried starting a fire but failed miserably. i had to cook dinner over a fire that was half there. i got a ton of bugs all over my veggie burger and about 10,000 bug bites. we freaked ourselves out, but made some nice new friends who were camping next to us with about 15 little kids. they helped fix our fire. once we ate cold food that was covered in bugs, we decided to go to sleep. it wasn't the best experience I've ever had, but it was nice just being away from here for a little. I actually slept in until 10:30 which never happens while I'm camping. we drove around for about 2 hours looking for water we could go swimming in (for free.) once we finally found a cute little place called turtle beach, we swam around for about an hour until we realized we were all hungry. we left to go to sheetz for burritos (of course.) we ended up taking a longer route home, driving around my favorite parts of pa. tesla and I talked a lot once we dropped brett off and I just can't stop feeling so nostalgic lately. I really realized today that this autumn is going to suck. nick's going to baltimore, tesla's going to seattle, ashley's going to philly or somewhere farther, and I have no idea where brett is going to be. this is going to be the first birthday in a couple years that I'll be spending without one of them. it makes me miss andrew a lot. not in a way that I want us to be together again, but just in a way that I really wish we were able to be closer. he's so opposed to it, but I guess I can't blame him.

I've spent the past 3 hours listening to the ergs and eating pizza and wishing you were here. I need to grow up.

a lot of messy thoughts..

wishing I was there, not here. knowing you are you.

I went through my entire contacts list on my phone looking for someone to invite camping, when I realized, I really don't like anyone around here anymore. there's no one in my contacts list, minus a very select few people, who I am willing to spend more than a couple hours with. I don't know if this means I need to stop being so stupid or if I really just need to meet some new people already. this next year is going to drag on. at least I have a flight to Seattle and the fest in Florida to look forward to.


I'm brushing my teeth twice a day and flossing. I've been cooking all my own meals. I've been reading books and writing in my notebook at least once a day. things are finally going back to normal... somewhat. school's starting in a little over 3 weeks and honestly, I'm relieved. this summer kind of showed me how capable I am of dumbing myself down and putting myself into stupid situations I don't want to be in. things I never once thought I'd do to myself. hopefully it IS just summer.

I've got a couple more days..... I've never been this worried or nervous for anything in my life. but hey, at least I know I can't go to you for help if I need it.


when you come back to reality, even when you hate it as much as I know you do, will I still exist? I spent a lot of today trying to figure out how to keep you around. if I should, if you want to still be around, if I want you to be... but I realized I do. you mean a lot to me already. we'll see where things go.. even just on the friendliest level. I know you trust me just as much as I trust you.

I never believed in karma until this summer.

please please please just come back.

tomorrow, I'm selling most of my stuff that's worth anything to anyone else. including my first guitar. I'm doing this all to be able to drive down to virginia for a day with my best friends to go to a show to see another friend and one of my favorite bands. maybe we are crazy, but I really do love us.

I've learned that most people in this state are crazy. I'm often told how lucky I am to be able to see so many good bands or spend minimal time in my house or even in this state, but I don't feel lucky at all. this is what life is supposed to be about. I will NEVER be able to understand why some people aren't curious. some people are okay with always staying within 20 miles of their home and never getting out unless it's planned and there's a purpose. I don't have a job, I don't have a car, but I do have a lot of determination and the most intense need to get away as much as I can. I've been home maybe 10 days total this entire summer. all the others, I've been in a weird city, in a stranger's house, sleeping in a park, washing my hair with water bottles, stealing food or just with the people I love most. that's what it's all about. It makes me so sad knowing that some of you are still so concerned about your jobs and lack of money to go out and do whatever you want. you're all in your late teens or early twenties.. go out and live while you still can. or stop complaining and stop telling me I'm lucky. I don't have any advantage.

"So close to death, Maman must have felt free then and ready to live it all again. and I felt ready to live it all again too. As if that blind rage has washed me clean, rid me of hope, for the first time, in that night alive with signs and stars, I opened myself to the indifference of the world. Finding it so much like myself -- so like a brother, really -- I felt that I had been happy and that I was happy again. For everything to be consummated, for me to feel less alone."

there is so much I have to say today. I guess I'll try to sum it up as best I can.

1. Falling asleep in summer, in the coolest bedroom overlooking balitmore ave., windows open, city noises.. there is NOTHING that compare to that feeling. helping andrew move today just reminded me how close living in a city is and how excited I am about it. waking up to some great people, walking to vegan cafes and getting breakfast is the best feeling.

2. I never thought into when I was younger, but this is the first summer that it ever really applied to me.. but I've never realized how important a guy asking for my consent before doing anything (even just kissing/touching..) is. getting put into situations that I really don't want to be in and not knowing how to back myself out of them sucks. I'm the most non-confrontational person I know. it's something I absolutely need to change. no more feeling like I HAVE to kiss a boy I don't like, or hold hands with them, or cuddle, or anything else. I want all of these things to actually mean something again. guys, stop being assholes and respect girls. if I won't make eye contact with you, what in the world makes you think I want to kiss you? don't be so stupid. although I do realize this is half my fault for not ever saying anything.