Last night, I went to a party with a lot of old acquaintances/friends. I feel instantly welcomed within that group of people and it's cool being around people that I've known for more than a couple months. I had a really great conversation with a Christian guy (who's actually the mysterious fourth roommate) about his soon-to-be engagement and I told him all my boy problems. I think thus far, he's been the first person, to put this into perspective for me. He told me to always follow my instincts and do whatever feels right, even if no one else understands. He told me to give it time and regardless of what happens, something good will come of it. Even if that means meeting the equivalent or better. He told me how he's had the same type of luck all of his life. He's 25 years old and a couple months ago, he met his dream girl and she is just as crazy about him as he is her. It was just the most reassuring thought knowing that even though I do think my time's running out, I still have so many years and so many places to go and people to meet. For right now, though, THIS feels right and like I promised him, even if things don't work out to my advantage, I'll be okay. Before he left, he gave me the biggest hug and told me that he hopes that I find something to believe in. He said he doesn't necessarily want me to accept Christianity and that he's okay with me hating, but he said I deserve to believe in something. This guy ruled.

Last night also made me realize that no matter how much I love being around these people, sometimes, it's just not worth it. How shitty I feel afterwards just doesn't seem to be worth it anymore. If this battle theory makes sense, then I've lost 100% and it's time for me to leave. Permanently. It doesn't mean I don't love these people, but it hurts me more to see them. The distance and not knowing what they're up to helps. It's just pieces of my past that I'm trying to forget. It was a piece of time where I felt alienated by everyone I met. That's why I was so uncomfortable all those years. That's why I'd believe in anything, because I didn't know what else to do. I feel like 3 years of my life were spent trying to adhere to their standards. It's not their fault, it's mine.. but I know they can't understand that. They're still here, doing the same things, with the same people, in a slightly different location, but minus me. I don't know if I should feel good about that or not. I guess really, there's no way to feel about it.

I've been spending too much time around here and thinking. I miss my best friend, I miss drunk basement shows, I miss meeting people who I wanted to meet, I miss you.