Seven things that cross my mind a lot (RIGHT now, not in general):

001. The future and where I'm going to be in a year.

002. How badly I want to fall in love again. I hate that I'm such a girl when it comes to this.

003. Fest!

004. What I'm doing this weekend.

005. School and what I need to get done.

006. Music.

007. I'm also usually writing a story in my head.

Maybe it was just being on my favorite drug, but today was so good. I went in to school without feeling like anything changed. All of my teachers from this half of the classes rule. I'm so stoked on Environmental and learning things I consider important. My photography class will be.. interesting? I am actually looking into it as a creative outlet and I'm looking forward to seeing what I'll be able to accomplish, while others are looking for an easy elective course. My math class is what I expected, but maybe a little worse. The teacher is adorable, though. She's such a sweetheart. At lunch, I ate my pb&j and read my Emma Goldman book when a girl asked if she could sit with me. Flattered, since clearly, I was somewhat interesting. We talked for the rest of our lunch with very few awkward pauses. She just moved here from Philly and she hates it. I wish I could've been more comforting, but I told her not to worry about making new friends here because everyone sucks anyway. I could tell she was trying to get me to say that I'd hang out with her, but I'm sick of making fake promises. We have a class together tomorrow, so we'll see. Maybe a friendship will come out of this, but I don't care. Yearbook feels like Junior year English class all over again. Throughout the entire day, I couldn't help but keep a particular dude on my mind. I don't know why or how this happened, but I just know I can't wait to see you again.

Tomorrow will include English, Spanish, my other math class, and Econ.

I feel so productive already. I feel 1o times better than I did a week ago. This is what I needed.

I'd like to fall asleep to the beat of you breathing, in a room near a truck stop, on a highway somewhere.

It really really feels like the night before the first day of school. I'm laying in my bed, drinking tea, eating pretzels, talking to my school friends about tomorrow. It is the strangest feeling knowing that this is the last time I'll ever have this feeling. This is the last time I'll be in a parent/grandparent's house, alone, waiting to fall asleep at 10:00 then waking up in 7 hours. By this time next year, I'll be living in Philly with Tesla and whoever else, probably eating dinner or something on our porch. I just talked to Alex about it and we're both just amazed at how far we've both come and that we're both still around even just a little. Maybe about 4 years ago, his mom told us that the next years were going to seem to get shorter and shorter. It's proven to be true.

I would type out a long entry about summer 2010, but I don't think it's necessary. This was the summer of change and growing up and finding some sort of independence. I met the greatest people, some not so great people, saw some amazing bands, tried new things, found a home in another state, learned more than I thought possible, had my heart broken, felt unbelievably embarrassed multiple times, felt happier than I ever have, traveled far distances for small reasons, re-learned what it's like to be loved unconditionally by friends, but most of all and most importantly, I proved myself wrong. What seemed more like a joke just a couple of months ago all came together. This was the summer of circles because I watched the things I never thought were possible, happen. I learned that a heartbreak is not the end of the world and that I'll always be okay. I learned that I'll never be as content as I am sitting in my room, with minimal lighting, a notebook and some good music playing.

Autumn's so close and I want to make the best of it this year. I keep pushing myself into stupid traps and watching myself make poor decisions. I'm not going to chase after anything or anyone anymore. If things are meant to be, as much as I think I already know it, they WILL happen. I can only put forth so much effort until I start putting myself in a bad situation. I want to make this year count, for whatever it's worth. Maybe I'll still spend all my free time in Philadelphia, where I don't feel I'm always being judged. Maybe I'll find a place here and put that life on hold until next summer. Whatever it is, I really just want to live out this summer. I want to keep learning and keep proving myself wrong. In whatever context that may be.

Goodbye summer 2010, you were so fucking good to me.

Eight ways to win my heart (I'm taking a more romantic apporach to this):

001. Take on a vegan or at least vegetarian lifestyle. I'm not okay with kissing a boy who just ate a cheeseburger. I'd rather be dating someone who I can go find new vegan restaurants with and cook with. I'd date a meat-eater, but I'd like them less.

002. Enjoy being social. Point blank. I don't want to date a dude that's always going to want to sit inside all day alone.

003. Drink/smoke. I want a boyfriend I can get drunk with then walk home to go cuddle.

004. Musically inclined. I've always dated musicians for a reason. A dude that makes good music is extremely attractive. I like going to my boyfriend's shows.

005. Tall... just yeah, be tall.

006. Be somewhat concerned with appearance/hygiene. I'm okay with dating a crusty dude, but there is a point where I draw a line. Weeks without showering is not someone I'm going to want to get close to.

007. Keep an open mind/don't be judgmental. Racism, stereotypes, intolerance, etc. is not EVER okay with me.

008. Be able to teach me something and let me teach you something in return. I want to share music, books, ideas, and experiences.


... If this boy exists, come find me.

Maybe a little repetitive. More than usual.

As soon as I think I'm starting to figure it out, I learn (the hard way) that I'm not at all. I have no idea what I'm doing wrong.. at all. Things are one way one day and totally different the next. It always just leaves me feeling stupid. I need to stay in Delaware for a little and rethink my entire situation. Where do I REALLY want to move next year? Do I really want to feel like this and not be able to run back home where it doesn't matter?

This time, I'm going to let them come to me.

List

001. This seems to be a really difficult time for a lot of my friends. It's never easy having to sit back and see your friends go through a ton of shit they don't deserve. I wish I was better at cheering people up. All I can do is listen sometimes.

002. This weekend, for being the last weekend of summer, was not very impressive. Maybe I'm asking too much and I know this is how it always goes. The only good part was that incredibly liberating feeling I got looking right past you. Also, spending time in the city and getting super smelly and walking to Satellite in the morning for a bagel with vegan cream cheese.

003. With that being said, someone I've always kind of had my eye on made their way into my life.. whether they realize it or not. Having a conversation with someone who actually seemed like they wanted to really ruled. I'm going to try my very hardest to keep my emotions under control this time. I'm not letting myself get too ahead. Promise.

004. Summer is basically over.. tomorrow is the last official day and I'm super bummed about it. However, I did manage to finish 2/3 books and basically complete the two projects I had to do. Now, I just have to get some basic school supplies, fix my camera, watch a shitty movie, get back on a normal sleep schedule and have the best senior year ever.

005. I've really been testing my limits lately. Am I willing to spend time with a total stranger/stay at their house to see how I react without my close friends around? I've learned that I am WAY too dependent on the people I'm closest to. Going to a show/party without them feels strange, but it's something I'm glad I'm getting better at. Good times to be had.

006. Family drama's weighing me down. I find myself wishing sometimes (a lot) that we're all back to when we first moved into Pike Creek. We'd sit around, eat dinner together and do a lot of talking. Now, we're all split up across the state and I don't think I've said more than 5 words to my dad in 5 months.

007. I'm excited for this upcoming school year but I'm not excited to be surrounded by people that I don't understand/don't understand me. I recently met a really nice dude that warned me not to get sucked into the pressures of being a little more socially acceptable by their high school definition. I told him I'm the last person that would ever let themselves get sucked into anything of the sort. It's not that I hate everyone, I just don't like the majority I have to be around. Senior year means as much to me as the book I just had to read. I want to surround myself around people I feel I'll be able to learn and benefit from... which is not in my high school.

008. Sometimes and more recently, I really think I've begun to totally lose my mind.

009. It stills feel like autumn. I'm feeling super hopeful. Don't let me down.. please.

End.

9 things about myself:

001. As much as people think they've figured me out, no one ever really has. My moods are totally inconsistent and it's really hard to tell when I'm actually happy or actually sad. Somtimes I'll seem really excited, but I don't really care. No one has ever been able to decipher the difference. I'm okay with that.

002. I lie about really stupid little things sometimes, just because it gets on my nerves when people think they always need to prove that they're right. If I'm arguing with someone over something stupid, I'll throw in little lies just to get them to shut up.

003. I absolutely never know what I want. I am potentially the most indecisive person in the world. Once I do find something I want and am totally sure of it, it's extremely hard for me to let go.

004. I get attached to people way too easily. My dependency on people and intangible things is my biggest flaw.

005. I am both very confident and very insecure. It makes no sense and it drives me crazy sometimes.

006. I lose interest very quickly.

007. I'm the kind of person that gives out 22453 chances.

008. I don't learn from my mistakes. I always think people will prove me wrong.. they never do.

009. At the end of the day, I realize that I'm in total control of my thoughts/feelings/surroundings and the way I perceive them and the way I present myself. For that very reason, I try extremely hard to be the person I want to be. At the end of the day, 90% of the time, I do think I'm an awesome person.

001. There are little things I do that remind me of you because you really really inspire me. We've only met a couple times, but I completely adore you. I hope you're always happy, you seem to deserve it way more than most.

002. I am honestly terrified of you, but I am so confident that you'll fix everything.

003. You're everything I could've hoped for. Thanks for being so accepting and welcoming.

004. Even just the idea of you makes me laugh. You seem like such a great dude. I want to be better friends.

005. I'm in denial most of the time, but I do realize it could never work out. You're too nice for your own good. Stay in my life! I want you around always.

006. I always have trouble seeing the good in people, but you've proven to me that even when you think there's nothing left, there is. You're an incredibly talented girl who is always down for doing whatever with whoever, whenever. Something I look up to. Thanks for always missing me too.

007. There's nothing special about you, but I'm still jealous of you. Maybe it's because you're living out the life that I want to live. I know you know this and when you rub it in my face, it only makes me hate you more. But I really don't hate you at all.

008. Stop being so judgmental. It's getting harder and harder to defend you, because I see a really great person underneath it all.

009. You're quiet, but I can see so much whenever I look at you. You drift around and seem to be stuck in the 80s. I'm fascinated by you, but no one could ever know. I see the way we look at each other and the way we smile, but this is something I have to keep to myself. I know if we ever spoke, you'd agree. Keep being so mysterious. It's unbelievably attractive.. not that you don't already know that.

010. I wish you'd stop being so hard on yourself sometimes. Please stop crying yourself to sleep and thinking you have no one to go to. You do. You always have and always will. You're still as beautiful as the day I met you, despite what you've gone through/put yourself through.

day one: ten things you’d like to say to ten people.
day two: nine things about yourself.
day three: eight ways to win your heart.
day four: seven things that cross your mind a lot.
day five: six things you wish you’d never done.
day six: five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever).
day seven: four turn offs.
day eight: three turn ons.
day nine: two words that describe your life right now.
day ten: one confession.

Thanks, Katie. Doing this starting today.

It hasn't felt this much like autumn since I was 8 years old. I guess that means I haven't been this happy in 10 years. I have nothing to be happy about. In fact, there's very few things I have to smile about these past couple weeks. All I know is, Weakerthans albums on repeat and reading lots of books and drinking tea and writing and everything combined has left me feeling like I don't need you. At all.

I'm always be fine and I'll always feel better being alone. I've got some good friends and so many plans. There's a couple of great people in this city and I'm really letting myself remember that lately.

"It's always so good running into you."

First day knowing my best friend isn't going to be coming over was kind of weird. I ended up falling back asleep after dropping her off. I woke up to Brett calling me around 1:30, asking what time I was coming over. I was glad he woke me up. I got myself up and got ready to go to Brett's. I came in to a surprise, which was nice. It got my mind off of everything, which I know were his intentions. We got hair dye and I cut his hair at my house. He decided he needed to cut the sides a little more, which I was against unless we had clippers. Lets just say that Brett now has steps.... hahaha. I picked Taylor up right after and we all met Sydney on main. If there's one person I missed having around, it's her. We just hung out for a while til we went to a party on Skid. Nothing like nice people and smoking out of a hookah for the first time ever. Taylor and I came back to my house and we talked a little. I've been reconnecting with people from the past and although it's not a bad thing, it's just not something I really missed.. I guess. She's asleep and I spend the last hour reading a really awful book for school. Now I'm watching Jersey Shore and eating tacos alone.

I don't know what tomorrow has in store for me, but I do know what Saturday does. New friends and maybe visiting some old ones. Then I'm back in Delaware, finishing the summer work I have yet to do then becoming a hermit for the next couple months. Excited. Not so excited.

I've had to say goodbye to way too many good friends this past week. I just dropped Tesla off at the train station, I cried the whole drive home while listening to old old old Tigers Jaw. It's not 6:40 in the morning and sleep doesn't sound promising.

I miss everyone so much already.

I think it's time for me to take a long break from social networking or at least not relying on it for entertainment as much as I do. constantly knowing what you're up to and that you're not interested in talking to me isn't going to help me ever get over you.

It's felt a looottt like autumn lately. The way that my room is a little chilly with the windows open. The way it smells because of the outdoors and incense mixing. The overall feeling I get when I'm listening to Jawbreaker and my Christmas lights are on. This is honestly the only feeling I will always consistently love. It's the only feeling I could ever turn into a visual symbol and tattoo on myself. Everything else is just a concept.

I'm waking up in 3 hours to drop my best friend off at the bus stop and to say goodbye for who knows how long at this point. I don't think I'm really ready to feel as alone as I know I'll feel. I reconnected with an old good friend earlier tonight. It was cool just sitting with her, telling her how much has changed and realizing how glad I am to be in the place I am now. Even if I'm not totally there yet, I'm still a lot happier than I was a year or so ago.

I cleaned out my bedroom today. I opened a window and lit some incense. I have a way of always turning my room into a symbolic representation of my moods and where I want my life to go. I think this means I think into things way too much, but oh well. I have exactly one week until I'm back in school, back into a routine and having little free time. This summer felt endless but I'm glad it's over now. I've dug myself into a hole the past 2 months and I'm at the point where I can't get myself out of it until I start something new and forget. I don't think getting myself out is really an option anymore. I know myself better than I think and I know that once I'm set on something, if I don't get it, I can't move on. I simply have to replace that with something different. I guess starting class, yearbook, taking up a new visual art (which I'm unbelievably excited about), and trying to find a job is what's going to cover you up.. at least for now.

Spending the next couple days reading, baking, writing and trying to enjoy being around here again.

I'm trying extremely hard to stay positive the past couple days. However, driving near your house and knowing I'm not going to visit you really sucks. Not that anything's really ever changed, it's always been the same but I'm just too optimistic for my own good. I'm trying to get my life together and I'm getting super excited for the upcoming school year because I know that I'm just getting closer and closer to the place I want to be.

It feels weird knowing Autumn is approaching and I'm not going to have anyone to talk to until I fall asleep and text as soon as I wake up. Maybe I'm thinking into it too much, but I just don't see anything changing any time soon.. and maybe that's a good thing. I know it is, but I can't bring myself to believe it just yet.

Tesla's tumblr inspired me to make a list:

1. I'm getting really really excited about going back to school for some reason. I thought I wanted this year to be different and that I wanted to make friends with all of the people I've neglected the past 3 years, but this summer made me realize that I'm fine with not being friends with any of them. I'd rather spend my time at a show in Philadelphia than smoking weed in someone's basement in Delaware.

2. I've procrastinated to an extreme extent this summer as well. I still have 2 books to read and a project to do... I have about one week. I hope I can pull this off. I know I'll regret it if I don't.

3. I've realized that the dude I was so hung up on is literally insane and it's something I shouldn't be worried about. I tried so hard and it really is his loss. If he can't see that someone he's so compatible with and he thinks is cute that is openly telling him that they have feelings for him, then he's an idiot. Point blank. Life will go on.

4. I can't stop watching Twin Peaks. I regret waiting this long to watch it. I've been totally sucked in and now the majority of my day is spent watching it in my bedroom alone. I'm okay with this.

5. I'm having a hard time grasping the concept that I'll be totally on my own in one year. I'm going to be 18 in a little over a month, I'm going to be graduating in 9 months, I'm going to know where I'm going to be living in about 5 months. The start of the rest of my life is going to be figured out in less than one year. In less than one year, I'm going to be living with my closest friends in a city and going to school for something I'm in love with. I am both scared and excited by this thought, but mostly excited.

6. I've been eating horribly lately. Since I wake up so late, I usually end up eating dinner right after I wake up.. then being hungry again around 4 in the morning. I need to a) get my sleep schedule back to normal and b) stop eating so horribly..

7. I've been getting to know a guy I met a little over a month ago. I get really giggly every time we talk, mostly because I forgot what it was like for someone to WANT to talk to me. We have really good conversation and he's very sweet. New crushes rule and I'm excited to see where this could go.

8. Everyone's leaving this week. I'm so happy for them all. Sincerely. I wish I was packing up my life and going along with them, but I'm okay with being stuck here for a little longer.

9. I've decided I'm going to start making lists like this once a week. Probably every Sunday. It's a good way to get little thoughts out.

too much time to think.

I've been laying in bed literally all day. my brain's fried AGAIN. please just go away.

this was probably the wrong night to let myself sit at home alone on a saturday night. my mind is going to drive me crazy. no matter how good things get, as soon as I'm back in delaware, I feel like shit. dumb boys don't help very much either. so sick of feeling like this.

twin peaks marathons are the only thing I can think to do anymore.

yesterday was stupid (at first.) Tesla and I drove to philly to go to a show.. because I was told to go. we get there, instantly feel awkward, so we just kind of hung around and talked to each other. there's something about some people that makes me feel unbelievably unwelcomed/awkward. shows should not be like that and some dudes shouldn't be so weird and misleading.

so we texted DJ and met up with him at his house. sat there for a little til we went to Andy/Dennis/?'s house cause Menzingers are going on tour. We sat on the roof with a ton of really good people I never thought I'd end up being friends with til about 5 a.m. laughing really hard and drinking way too much. then we went back to ava house and I got the best sleep of my life.. really. we woke up kind of early cause DJ had work and I was still drunk.. we washed off the dirt from the roof in a Pathmark bathroom and drove around Philly for a while til we decided to go to Sketch. I guess I seemed miserable or something because the waitress asked if I was hungover.

We ended up coming home earlier than expected because a good friend is going away and tonight is his going away party. Everyone's going away and I miss everyone so much already.


Summer is really coming to an end and my heart is breaking. This summer turned out for the absolute best. I can't even begin to comprehend all that I've done, how much has changed, and how happy I really am with everything in my life. things can only go up and as cheesy as that is, it's just the truth.

I had a really awesome realization while I was falling asleep at 6:30 this morning. you don't seem like the type of dude that would be down to just hang out with me when my ankle was sprained, so, I'm over it.

but then I woke up and my brain is fried all over again.

the best parts of getting to know someone new is learning more little things about yourself. this already feels a little unfair.

I met someone tonight and as I asked his name, he told me and then said "You're Melissa, right?" that was cool. I don't know if that means good or bad things, but it was still flattering.

I don't want to deal with this bullshit anymore. Fuck you, dude. I hate you so much.

I got a text from my mom a couple nights ago that just said "When are you moving back in?" I was really confused by this and assumed she was kidding. She tells me she misses me on a regular basis, but I didn't know it was THIS bad. I moved out 2 years ago and now I see her maybe twice a month. It's totally my fault. I know this. Today, I felt like the only obvious choice was to drive up and see her. I gathered some ingredients and surprised her right before she left to drive her friend to work. While she was gone, I spent 2 hours cooking her a vegan dinner that I knew she wouldn't really like anyway. She finally came back, we ate in almost total silence and although I knew she didn't like the seitan steak, she ate it anyway. The minute Ashley walked in, they started fighting. This is the only thing I don't miss about living at home. The constant fighting is so mentally draining and I think that's why I had to get out. After a lot of dramatic screaming and me always just trying to mediate, Ashley ran off and called my mom some not so nice names. My mom hugged me and cried for a long time and just kept telling me how much she missed me and how glad she was with the way I've grown up. I understand how difficult of a time this is for her. Ashley's moving out in the next couple months and I don't ever see me moving back into her house. We'll both be out of state and she'll be in her lonely house with her little white puppy. Nothing breaks my heart more than knowing she'll be alone all this time. I often wish I was still 14 years old, coming home from school, avoiding my mom and constantly finding ways to sneak around. now, I'd choose an afternoon with my mom over most things. Sincerely, if I can grow up and be half of the person that is she, I'll be happy.

This month has been a weird one. It's all zooming by so quickly. I checked the date on my phone this morning and was shocked to see that August is halfway over. 3 years ago today, I was probably sitting in my bedroom in my mom's old apartment, writing in my journal, talking about how much I didn't want to go Newark High School because I wouldn't know anyone. Tesla was a new friend who I hung out with only once. I had no idea that the next couple months would shape me so much. Meeting Tyler Mullen, staying up talking to him on AIM about the scents and colors of Autumn. Meeting him after school and walking around, feeling so shy and having the biggest crush ever. Blushing when he'd call me cute and going home and gushing to my journal for hours. Then I met Tyler Yoder and had my first real boyfriend. A boyfriend that would drive with his 10:00 P.M. driving curfew. We'd go to shows together but end up sitting in his car just kissing a lot.. at least until 9:30 when he'd have to drop me off. He was the first boy that told me he loved me and I kind of believed it. Tesla just became a bigger and bigger part of my life. I met the single person that really understood me. This was about the time that Nick Broujos came into my life. I thought he was such a douchebag, but he was easy to talk to and he always felt a little different. I kept giving him and our friendship a shot. We moved down the street and 3 years later, the boy has a huge chunk of my heart. Then, Andrew Fusca came into my life. I will never forget texting him during Spanish class at Dickinson and telling him how much I liked him. I finally found my vegetarian, Tokyo Police Club listening, book reading, adorable boyfriend. Our first summer together will go down as one of the most important summers of my life. We were so so so young and had no idea what we were getting ourselves into. We were just in love. That's all there was to it. Staying up until 4 in the morning on Madison Dr. in my sister's bed, talking about our future and where we'd be in a year. I'd cry every time he had to go home to Middletown. It seemed so far and so unfair. I'd find any way I could to get down to his house, we'd cook our dinners together, we'd lay in the dark listening to floaty music, sit on the roof and smoke, we'd sleep naked just because and then I'd wake up to a bowl of oatmeal and a glass of cranberry juice. I felt important to someone and unconditionally loved for the first time. I started school again. We'd sit on the dock, embracing Autumn and falling more and more in love. I had my first experience with "high school friends" this year. They came into my life and felt like the best friends I ever had, then quickly fell apart. I wasn't hurt at all. Honestly. That Winter, I spent with Nick and Andrew.. and whoever Nick was dating at the time. We'd spend our entire weekend in Middletown. We'd smoke so so so much weed and sit around and make weird music and listen to even weirder music. We'd drive around on back roads at 2 in the morning, go to Taco Bell, then all pile into Andrew's living room and sleep. This entire Winter is a blur. Too many drugs. When Winter melted, I started falling out of love. I didn't feel the same unconditional love. I felt like the nagging girlfriend who just wanted to be in love again. I spent that entire summer alone. I baked a lot, I cried a lot. I couldn't read books and I would go to my mom's house a lot. She always worried about me. I would wish that Andrew would come back and want to spend time with me again. It never happened. I sincerely believe I hit rock bottom this summer. All I wanted was friends and consistency and to stop crying all the time. I hated everyone and never felt so betrayed. I wish I could make the memories of this summer go away forever. School started and I felt a little better because now I had more distractions. Andrew and I still hated each other. I have no idea how we managed to stay together all that time. October was the month I realized I had to do something about everything. I put myself on anti-depressants and forced myself into therapy for about a month until I realized I had total control. I stopped crying all the time and by Winter, I was as in love as I ever was. I had my few friends and my boyfriend and I was sincerely happy again. That was around the time that Andrew broke up with me. My first heart break and it fucking sucked. I would lay in the dark, sobbing uncontrollably, I stopped eating, I stopped sleeping. I stayed with my mom a lot during this time. She was the only one that could calm me down. Tesla came back into my life at this time. She was gone for 4 months, but one day, I had this gut feeling that I needed her back. So, I texted her and tried making small talk. Oddly enough, the night that I lost Andrew, I gained Tesla back. Looking back, it was the best trade I've ever made. I had a best friend again. We spent every weekend together, going to shows, driving around big cities. We both had our hearts broken but I couldn't imagine anyone better to go through all of that with. This was about the time Brett became a huge part of my life. I spent every single day with him, in the cold, filling the void of not having Andrew around anymore. We ate a lot of food and met a lot of new people. I felt genuinely supported by a friend for the first time.. ever. I dated so many dumb boys during this period of time. All of them that just felt stupid and wrong. The rest of the Winter was a blur. A lot of new friends and feeling like a human being. A lot of Tigers Jaw and new music. Spring came and I wasn't happy anymore. I had this weird urge to always run away. I couldn't bear the idea of staying in Newark at all. Thus, Philadelphia became a bigger part. We spent our days "visiting" a boy I had a huge crush on at his work, we ate vegan cheesesteaks, layed around Rittenhouse, hung out in the fountain, etc. This was the beginning of so so so much. I spend every day of Spring Break with Tesla. We'd get 6-packs, train tickets, and spend our weekends in Philly and planning out what we'd do with our summer. The rest of the school year dragged on, I was always just looking for a way to leave again. Brett and I started taking day trips to Philly and trying to meet new people. Out of it, I made some really awesome new friends. I met my mental twin, Steph and of course, Brie and Victoria. I will always love Brett for pushing me to that point. This summer, I've met people who I believe actually get me. I've made some stupid decisions and drank a lot. I drove far distances, saw some amazing bands, and never felt a dull moment. Summer 2010 was the summer of fun.. 24/7. Mostly due to my best friends and the mentality "I'm 17 and it's summer." I'm still in love with a silly boy who won't give me the time of day, I'm still pushing myself to finish out this school year and move onto the next chapter of my life. The one I've always been excited about. Getting a house with a porch with my best friends and never feeling alone.

Night Windows just came on. How appropriate.

listening to a lot of old music tonight. last winter's soundtrack. all I can help but wonder is,

where are you?








everything is changing. it'll all be gone, mutated, or new in 2 short weeks.

only thing..

something so small and so white
under blinding yellow lights
it's a wonder that I'm the first to notice
but maybe I'm not
have there been many others?
did they build you an escalator?
getting you further and further
the quick moment of desperation when you stop breathing
or your heart stops beating
or just knowing you are you
and that you still exist.

okay, my life would be about ten thousand times easier if boys were a little more honest/straight-forward with me. I wouldn't be in the awkward, uncomfortable, stupid situations I always find myself in if boys didn't lie to make me feel better. look dude, if you don't want to hang out, SAY SO. don't call me cute and tell me how bad you want to hang out if you're never going to call when you say you're going to and constantly bail. you'd be saving me a lot of humiliation and potentially a heart break. it'd suck but I'd rather know you're not interested from the beginning.

I'm getting more and more excited about the upcoming months. finishing up school. autumn weather. good music. meeting new people who I can actually have a real conversation about shit I care about with. never being in delaware to hang out with said friends.

I've also really really rediscovered how much I love baking.

I'm an idiot, but I really just can't stay away.

Hung over. Listening to stupid music. I need a good friend to lay around with today.

My life is falling together in the most perfect, hilarious, ironic ways lately. All that's happened the past week, not even, is so good. This is all that I've wanted the past couple months and it's finally working out.. without even trying. It's good knowing that despite hating everything/everyone here, there are a couple nice people left out there that want to be friends with ME.

I've officially done all that I can do and you've officially let me down.

These are things I'll never be able to understand.

a best friend is someone who texts you in the middle of laying in your bed, listening to jawbreaker and feeling sorry for yourself, saying "get ready to go. don't ask questions." then proceeds to show up at your house, drive you to philadelphia, buy you a smoothie, then just sit in rittenhouse to talk. I realize how much my best friend rules. I loooove you, mom.

a best friend also drives to west philly to illegally purchase beer for a pop punk house show in south philly tomorrow night. we may or may not end up sleeping in her car.

knowing she won't be around in a couple weeks really sucks. I'm glad she's getting out, I just wish it was with me. I don't know how I'm going to stay sane sitting around here all the time without her.

so sick of shitty people.

laying in my bed this entire weekend, listening to jawbreaker sounds like a good idea.

why is the month of august turning into the year 2009?

feeling like what you believe in and what you've always stuck up for is wrong is one of the worst feelings. you never want to be told "I told you so" by the people you love.


please don't let me down.

all I want is a tall boy who doesn't eat animals, is a sucker for 90's emo, will go to a party with me, get really drunk and not have to hang out with me the entire time, then walk home to cuddle.

I KNOW THIS BOY EXISTS.

attempting to undo all of the mistakes I've made throughout high school, academically. just registered for the SATs.

step 1 in getting the fuck out of here.

more than anything, I wish I could be okay with staying in one place for long periods of time. I also wish I was more able to "flow" through life without constantly looking back and wishing and hoping that things will be different later on. I hate thinking about previous relationships, ideas, or even just conversations and thinking of the million little things I could've done differently to make it better.

even good excuses are still excuses. I feel nauseous 70% of the time these days simply from over-thinking everything I could possibly over think. for the first time since I came to the realization, I'm excited to be alone these next couple months. it's the only way I can bring myself back down and remember what's important. I'm going to read all the books in my collection, do really well in school and save all the money I can so I can FINALLY live the life I've been wanting to live. a big city, a porch, and my best friend. I don't need you because you don't need me. that and you're just an asshole.

yesterday, drew, tesla and i headed to south philly for a show show to see captain, we're sinking. we felt awkward instantly because it seems as if all the kids in philly as so cliquey and unwelcoming. so we went on a couple walks, trying to kill time til captain played. drew came back with a 12 pack of pbr for us so we started drinking. of course, the night drastically improved from there. making new friends, singing really loud. it just shows how easily i can prove myself wrong. i have to stop being so judgmental and assuming that everyone's an asshole. after a while, i went on a little walk with a boy and told him basically everything i've been wanting to tell him. it wasn't exactly the ideal conversation, but i'm glad i finally got it out. at least i know i tried. really really tried.

I've never put myself out there like I did tonight. We'll see what happens.

There is hope for us. There are constants we can't define. Is it all used up? Are we out of time?

Did you celebrate without me?
Did you tell them all about me?
Did you sell me out?
If you ever had a doubt..
Kiss me on the mouth.

woke up yesterday afternoon to brett sleeping on my floor and my dad with a job application. I filled it out in the sun and waited to tesla to pick us up. we're fucking the system in a totally new way this time. we drove to the delaware water gap and didn't get there until the sun was basically set. we set up camp in the dark and tried starting a fire but failed miserably. i had to cook dinner over a fire that was half there. i got a ton of bugs all over my veggie burger and about 10,000 bug bites. we freaked ourselves out, but made some nice new friends who were camping next to us with about 15 little kids. they helped fix our fire. once we ate cold food that was covered in bugs, we decided to go to sleep. it wasn't the best experience I've ever had, but it was nice just being away from here for a little. I actually slept in until 10:30 which never happens while I'm camping. we drove around for about 2 hours looking for water we could go swimming in (for free.) once we finally found a cute little place called turtle beach, we swam around for about an hour until we realized we were all hungry. we left to go to sheetz for burritos (of course.) we ended up taking a longer route home, driving around my favorite parts of pa. tesla and I talked a lot once we dropped brett off and I just can't stop feeling so nostalgic lately. I really realized today that this autumn is going to suck. nick's going to baltimore, tesla's going to seattle, ashley's going to philly or somewhere farther, and I have no idea where brett is going to be. this is going to be the first birthday in a couple years that I'll be spending without one of them. it makes me miss andrew a lot. not in a way that I want us to be together again, but just in a way that I really wish we were able to be closer. he's so opposed to it, but I guess I can't blame him.

I've spent the past 3 hours listening to the ergs and eating pizza and wishing you were here. I need to grow up.

a lot of messy thoughts..

wishing I was there, not here. knowing you are you.

I went through my entire contacts list on my phone looking for someone to invite camping, when I realized, I really don't like anyone around here anymore. there's no one in my contacts list, minus a very select few people, who I am willing to spend more than a couple hours with. I don't know if this means I need to stop being so stupid or if I really just need to meet some new people already. this next year is going to drag on. at least I have a flight to Seattle and the fest in Florida to look forward to.


I'm brushing my teeth twice a day and flossing. I've been cooking all my own meals. I've been reading books and writing in my notebook at least once a day. things are finally going back to normal... somewhat. school's starting in a little over 3 weeks and honestly, I'm relieved. this summer kind of showed me how capable I am of dumbing myself down and putting myself into stupid situations I don't want to be in. things I never once thought I'd do to myself. hopefully it IS just summer.

I've got a couple more days..... I've never been this worried or nervous for anything in my life. but hey, at least I know I can't go to you for help if I need it.


when you come back to reality, even when you hate it as much as I know you do, will I still exist? I spent a lot of today trying to figure out how to keep you around. if I should, if you want to still be around, if I want you to be... but I realized I do. you mean a lot to me already. we'll see where things go.. even just on the friendliest level. I know you trust me just as much as I trust you.

I never believed in karma until this summer.

please please please just come back.

tomorrow, I'm selling most of my stuff that's worth anything to anyone else. including my first guitar. I'm doing this all to be able to drive down to virginia for a day with my best friends to go to a show to see another friend and one of my favorite bands. maybe we are crazy, but I really do love us.

I've learned that most people in this state are crazy. I'm often told how lucky I am to be able to see so many good bands or spend minimal time in my house or even in this state, but I don't feel lucky at all. this is what life is supposed to be about. I will NEVER be able to understand why some people aren't curious. some people are okay with always staying within 20 miles of their home and never getting out unless it's planned and there's a purpose. I don't have a job, I don't have a car, but I do have a lot of determination and the most intense need to get away as much as I can. I've been home maybe 10 days total this entire summer. all the others, I've been in a weird city, in a stranger's house, sleeping in a park, washing my hair with water bottles, stealing food or just with the people I love most. that's what it's all about. It makes me so sad knowing that some of you are still so concerned about your jobs and lack of money to go out and do whatever you want. you're all in your late teens or early twenties.. go out and live while you still can. or stop complaining and stop telling me I'm lucky. I don't have any advantage.

"So close to death, Maman must have felt free then and ready to live it all again. and I felt ready to live it all again too. As if that blind rage has washed me clean, rid me of hope, for the first time, in that night alive with signs and stars, I opened myself to the indifference of the world. Finding it so much like myself -- so like a brother, really -- I felt that I had been happy and that I was happy again. For everything to be consummated, for me to feel less alone."

there is so much I have to say today. I guess I'll try to sum it up as best I can.

1. Falling asleep in summer, in the coolest bedroom overlooking balitmore ave., windows open, city noises.. there is NOTHING that compare to that feeling. helping andrew move today just reminded me how close living in a city is and how excited I am about it. waking up to some great people, walking to vegan cafes and getting breakfast is the best feeling.

2. I never thought into when I was younger, but this is the first summer that it ever really applied to me.. but I've never realized how important a guy asking for my consent before doing anything (even just kissing/touching..) is. getting put into situations that I really don't want to be in and not knowing how to back myself out of them sucks. I'm the most non-confrontational person I know. it's something I absolutely need to change. no more feeling like I HAVE to kiss a boy I don't like, or hold hands with them, or cuddle, or anything else. I want all of these things to actually mean something again. guys, stop being assholes and respect girls. if I won't make eye contact with you, what in the world makes you think I want to kiss you? don't be so stupid. although I do realize this is half my fault for not ever saying anything.