I got a text from my mom a couple nights ago that just said "When are you moving back in?" I was really confused by this and assumed she was kidding. She tells me she misses me on a regular basis, but I didn't know it was THIS bad. I moved out 2 years ago and now I see her maybe twice a month. It's totally my fault. I know this. Today, I felt like the only obvious choice was to drive up and see her. I gathered some ingredients and surprised her right before she left to drive her friend to work. While she was gone, I spent 2 hours cooking her a vegan dinner that I knew she wouldn't really like anyway. She finally came back, we ate in almost total silence and although I knew she didn't like the seitan steak, she ate it anyway. The minute Ashley walked in, they started fighting. This is the only thing I don't miss about living at home. The constant fighting is so mentally draining and I think that's why I had to get out. After a lot of dramatic screaming and me always just trying to mediate, Ashley ran off and called my mom some not so nice names. My mom hugged me and cried for a long time and just kept telling me how much she missed me and how glad she was with the way I've grown up. I understand how difficult of a time this is for her. Ashley's moving out in the next couple months and I don't ever see me moving back into her house. We'll both be out of state and she'll be in her lonely house with her little white puppy. Nothing breaks my heart more than knowing she'll be alone all this time. I often wish I was still 14 years old, coming home from school, avoiding my mom and constantly finding ways to sneak around. now, I'd choose an afternoon with my mom over most things. Sincerely, if I can grow up and be half of the person that is she, I'll be happy.

This month has been a weird one. It's all zooming by so quickly. I checked the date on my phone this morning and was shocked to see that August is halfway over. 3 years ago today, I was probably sitting in my bedroom in my mom's old apartment, writing in my journal, talking about how much I didn't want to go Newark High School because I wouldn't know anyone. Tesla was a new friend who I hung out with only once. I had no idea that the next couple months would shape me so much. Meeting Tyler Mullen, staying up talking to him on AIM about the scents and colors of Autumn. Meeting him after school and walking around, feeling so shy and having the biggest crush ever. Blushing when he'd call me cute and going home and gushing to my journal for hours. Then I met Tyler Yoder and had my first real boyfriend. A boyfriend that would drive with his 10:00 P.M. driving curfew. We'd go to shows together but end up sitting in his car just kissing a lot.. at least until 9:30 when he'd have to drop me off. He was the first boy that told me he loved me and I kind of believed it. Tesla just became a bigger and bigger part of my life. I met the single person that really understood me. This was about the time that Nick Broujos came into my life. I thought he was such a douchebag, but he was easy to talk to and he always felt a little different. I kept giving him and our friendship a shot. We moved down the street and 3 years later, the boy has a huge chunk of my heart. Then, Andrew Fusca came into my life. I will never forget texting him during Spanish class at Dickinson and telling him how much I liked him. I finally found my vegetarian, Tokyo Police Club listening, book reading, adorable boyfriend. Our first summer together will go down as one of the most important summers of my life. We were so so so young and had no idea what we were getting ourselves into. We were just in love. That's all there was to it. Staying up until 4 in the morning on Madison Dr. in my sister's bed, talking about our future and where we'd be in a year. I'd cry every time he had to go home to Middletown. It seemed so far and so unfair. I'd find any way I could to get down to his house, we'd cook our dinners together, we'd lay in the dark listening to floaty music, sit on the roof and smoke, we'd sleep naked just because and then I'd wake up to a bowl of oatmeal and a glass of cranberry juice. I felt important to someone and unconditionally loved for the first time. I started school again. We'd sit on the dock, embracing Autumn and falling more and more in love. I had my first experience with "high school friends" this year. They came into my life and felt like the best friends I ever had, then quickly fell apart. I wasn't hurt at all. Honestly. That Winter, I spent with Nick and Andrew.. and whoever Nick was dating at the time. We'd spend our entire weekend in Middletown. We'd smoke so so so much weed and sit around and make weird music and listen to even weirder music. We'd drive around on back roads at 2 in the morning, go to Taco Bell, then all pile into Andrew's living room and sleep. This entire Winter is a blur. Too many drugs. When Winter melted, I started falling out of love. I didn't feel the same unconditional love. I felt like the nagging girlfriend who just wanted to be in love again. I spent that entire summer alone. I baked a lot, I cried a lot. I couldn't read books and I would go to my mom's house a lot. She always worried about me. I would wish that Andrew would come back and want to spend time with me again. It never happened. I sincerely believe I hit rock bottom this summer. All I wanted was friends and consistency and to stop crying all the time. I hated everyone and never felt so betrayed. I wish I could make the memories of this summer go away forever. School started and I felt a little better because now I had more distractions. Andrew and I still hated each other. I have no idea how we managed to stay together all that time. October was the month I realized I had to do something about everything. I put myself on anti-depressants and forced myself into therapy for about a month until I realized I had total control. I stopped crying all the time and by Winter, I was as in love as I ever was. I had my few friends and my boyfriend and I was sincerely happy again. That was around the time that Andrew broke up with me. My first heart break and it fucking sucked. I would lay in the dark, sobbing uncontrollably, I stopped eating, I stopped sleeping. I stayed with my mom a lot during this time. She was the only one that could calm me down. Tesla came back into my life at this time. She was gone for 4 months, but one day, I had this gut feeling that I needed her back. So, I texted her and tried making small talk. Oddly enough, the night that I lost Andrew, I gained Tesla back. Looking back, it was the best trade I've ever made. I had a best friend again. We spent every weekend together, going to shows, driving around big cities. We both had our hearts broken but I couldn't imagine anyone better to go through all of that with. This was about the time Brett became a huge part of my life. I spent every single day with him, in the cold, filling the void of not having Andrew around anymore. We ate a lot of food and met a lot of new people. I felt genuinely supported by a friend for the first time.. ever. I dated so many dumb boys during this period of time. All of them that just felt stupid and wrong. The rest of the Winter was a blur. A lot of new friends and feeling like a human being. A lot of Tigers Jaw and new music. Spring came and I wasn't happy anymore. I had this weird urge to always run away. I couldn't bear the idea of staying in Newark at all. Thus, Philadelphia became a bigger part. We spent our days "visiting" a boy I had a huge crush on at his work, we ate vegan cheesesteaks, layed around Rittenhouse, hung out in the fountain, etc. This was the beginning of so so so much. I spend every day of Spring Break with Tesla. We'd get 6-packs, train tickets, and spend our weekends in Philly and planning out what we'd do with our summer. The rest of the school year dragged on, I was always just looking for a way to leave again. Brett and I started taking day trips to Philly and trying to meet new people. Out of it, I made some really awesome new friends. I met my mental twin, Steph and of course, Brie and Victoria. I will always love Brett for pushing me to that point. This summer, I've met people who I believe actually get me. I've made some stupid decisions and drank a lot. I drove far distances, saw some amazing bands, and never felt a dull moment. Summer 2010 was the summer of fun.. 24/7. Mostly due to my best friends and the mentality "I'm 17 and it's summer." I'm still in love with a silly boy who won't give me the time of day, I'm still pushing myself to finish out this school year and move onto the next chapter of my life. The one I've always been excited about. Getting a house with a porch with my best friends and never feeling alone.

Night Windows just came on. How appropriate.