2010, it is sad to see you go. In 2010, I proved myself to myself... more than I ever thought possible. I had my heart broken into millions of little pieces and the entire year was spent trying to rebuild that, but mostly myself. I met someone who actually seems worth it to put all of my energy into. Maybe not now, but maybe later. I can be as patient as I need to be if it means you.

In honor of the year being over and while my breakfast bakes, this:

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before? I'm going to keep this answer as "normal" as possible.. I road-tripped to Florida for an awesome music fest with my best friends and had one of the best weekends of my life. I put all my "responsibilities" completely on hold and it felt so good.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I rarely ever do the whole new years' resolutions deal. It just seems kind of stupid to me.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Nope.

4. Did anyone close to you die? Thankfully, no.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010? Consistency in my friendships/relationships/self.

7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? July 15-17th and October 29-31st. Berea Fest and Fest. Easily the top memories in 2010. Also, whenever the Nana show was. I don't remember the exact date.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Finding what I am really honestly passionate about. I spent so much time up until this year believing in whatever, because I didn't really believe in anything. There was always some weird misconnection I felt whenever I would talk about the government or really any other issues because I don't care about that (or at least not to the extent I thought I did.) This year, I learned just what a riot grrrl really is and I can easily say that I fell in love and finally found a little group of people who I think really get it.

9. What was your biggest failure? Letting a boy control my emotions for so long.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Nope.

11. What was the best thing you bought? Tickets to shows and beer.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? The handful of my close friends (Brett, Tesla, Nick) for always being down for creeping on whatever boy I'm interested in. Always dealing with my instability and just being awesome in general.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Andrew Fusca for proving to be as much of an asshole that I thought he was after the first months of knowing him. An anonymous boy for still finding ways to fuck with my head, but someone that I still have a lot of feelings for.. because sometimes, he proves himself to me and I still think he's so great.

14. Where did most of your money go? Beer/Loko, shows, transportation, FOOD.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Spring break, summer in it's entirety, Fest.

16. What song will always remind you of 2010? I Saw Water

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Going out whenever I wanted to, despite circumstances and meeting as many new people as possible (more so)

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Letting little things and anxiety get in the way.

21. Did you fall in love in 2010? I don't think I could say that. I did, however, meet a boy who has been stuck on me since June. Naturally, I should be over it by now, but he still seems worth it to me.

22. How many one-night stands? Honestly, two. Whatever.

23. What was your favourite TV program? Twin Peaks!

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Yes.

25. What was the best book you read? Uh... did I read any books this year? Weird.. Nothing comes to mind.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery? Bikini Kill, Bratmobile, every other riot grrrl band

27. What did you want and get? Confidence (overall)

28. What was your favourite film of this year? None... haha

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? Eighteen. I went to a house show in south philly. Texted a boy and made plans to sleep over his house once he got home from his show in Jerz. Then I got too drunk and passed out in a chinese restaurant.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Said boy and not being in school.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010? Uh..

32. What kept you sane? This sounds really cheesy, but it's honest, hope.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Special Agent Dale Cooper, without a doubt.

34. What political issue stirred you the most? There might be one or two that actually bothered me, but nothing comes to mind right now.

35. Who did you miss? I'm always missing someone.

36. Who was the best new person you met? Steph Eckardt and Adam McIlwee. Two of the best people I've ever met.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:
001. Sometimes, things change and when it's not in your control, it's time to let go.
002. With that being said, if you're unhappy with something, change it, but don't dwell.
003. Finding something to become overwhelmingly in love with is key.

I'm always in such amazement when someone puts forth more energy than I do to maintain friendships. I've seen that a lot more lately. People I hardly know are making the effort to call me and make plans. It's nice not feeling like I'm putting in 95% of the energy anymore. When I factor in some of these people, I realize leaving won't be as easy as I thought.

Always in denial. Fifteen minute conversations hold me up for a month. "Don't Need You" can make me feel better about any boy ever, except you. This is crazy and I don't think I'll ever understand it.

Tonight, pretend you're an acrobat and you're being thrown on top of the world

Whenever I start feeling like this, I put on Lafcadio and try to write it all down. That's what I'm doing right now.

Last night, I was in my living room surrounded by people I've considered family for the past five years. We were exchanging gifts, drinking wine, and laughing.. it felt so genuine and happy until I felt a sickening emptiness. I tried pushing it back as far as I could, but I couldn't any longer. I had to go into my room and try to justify what I was feeling.

All my mind could do was flashback to exactly one year ago when we were in a distant relative's living room and I felt so complete. You were alongside of me in your tie and you just kept smiling, despite not being able to understand what anyone was saying. I felt so lucky to have a boyfriend that would put up with that for me. You bought me a little purple dress and a sweater and your adorable crooked smile seemed so excited to give me those gifts. I was so excited to finally give you all the gifts I had been working on for a month. I just remember sitting by the Christmas tree's light and being so happy. It was the first Christmas in my entire life that I didn't feel like something was missing. Growing up with only a handful of people to actually call family, I always felt so alone standing in a room full of half-strangers who were family by marriage. I felt welcomed, but in the midst of hugs and kisses, I knew I wasn't REALLY supposed to be there. Having you by my side last year and feeling so loved is a feeling I'll always miss.

I wonder how your Christmas went. I wonder if your parents bought your new girlfriend gifts like they would always buy me. I wonder if you went to her family's house for Christmas Eve and if she came over your's for Christmas dinner. There are so many things that I still wonder. I wonder if you tell her all the secrets you told me. I wonder if she knows of all the things you're terrified of, even though you say you're not. I really wonder if she loves you the way that I loved you. I really don't know if that's at all possible. I wonder if you love her more than you ever loved me. Most of all, I wonder if you're really as happy as you seem.

There are very few times that I miss you. You being you. You are the person you are. There are a million things that I miss about you and I together. I miss twisting our bodies together in strange ways, but being so comfortable when we would go to sleep. I miss waking up to bowls of your oatmeal and cranberry juice. I miss your love of juice boxes. I miss driving around at night in your car, while you smoked cigarettes and I'd lay in your lap. I miss buying pizza and laying in my room to eat it every Friday night. I miss lazy Sundays when you'd carry my laundry down the stairs for me and we'd eat dinner with my grandma. I miss walking to the dock and talking about how scared of change we were. I miss staying up until four in the morning just laughing. I miss waking up in hot bedrooms and sitting outside while you smoked your morning cigarette and we waited for my grandma to pick us up. I miss all of our stupid inside jokes. I miss Queen Mary. I miss sneaking into your house. I miss us bickering and then you buying me milkshakes to make up for it. I miss holding hands in weird ways that described how we felt at the time. I miss you blowing in my mouth. I miss how incredibly in love we were for those few months.

I could name all of the things that I miss for days. What I don't miss is you. I don't miss you making me cry alone in my room day after day because you never cared enough. I don't miss you purposefully not inviting me along with you to your friend's parties because you didn't like being around me anymore. I don't miss you being okay with me wanting to kill myself. I don't miss you always telling me to get over it. I don't miss always second guessing myself. I don't miss begging you to spend time with me. I don't miss me constantly trying to work up the courage to leave. I don't miss how unhappy I was. I don't miss you. I'll never miss YOU.

When you're in a relationship with someone for two years, that's the title that they earn. They're always going to be your ex boyfriend or girlfriend. Unlike someone you dated for a couple months, they can be that person you dated but are also friends with. I'll never be able to look at you and call you just a friend. You'll always be my first love and my first heartbreak. You'll always hold that extra baggage with you. More than anything, I want to be able to call you just to talk. I want to be able to get coffee with you and it not be weird. I want you in my life more than you know. When you're constantly pushing me aside and basically forcing me out of your life, I can't help but feel like I made those two years absolutely miserable for you.

Just a year ago, you were crying and telling me how much you loved me and how sorry you were for ever treating me badly. You told me that I was your stability and you were so glad I was in your life. We were at the highest point in our relationship. We WANTED to spend time together again. We adopted a cat together and I really thought we would be together for many years to come. You set the most beautiful table and then you ripped the tablecloth off faster than I could stop you.

The way it ended will always affect the way I look at our relationship. I'll never be able to forgive you for breaking my heart so carelessly as you did. I'll never be able to get over that you never cared. You never once told me you missed me. You never tried to maintain a relationship. What the fuck was I all those months, then?

What will always hurt the most is that right now, you're probably with your new girlfriend and hardly remember all that happened one year ago today. I always did and I always will care about you more than you care about me.

Beach Fossils, windows open, cutting out articles for a project, minimal lighting. I'm pretty chilly too.

Despite almost constantly wishing I was somewhere else, I felt extremely peaceful today. My classes are just so simple now and they just flow together. I'm not struggling to understand anything or finish assignments by their due dates. I started looking into applications and I'm getting into writing my essay for Drexel. I'm not turning submitting my application early, despite receiving a request to do so. I'm taking my good old time in buttering it up as much as I possibly can. I've officially decided I'm only applying to Drexel and Temple. If one of the two doesn't work out, then I'm doing my two-year at CCP then transferring wherever I want to be in two years. Potentially the route I'll be taking regardless of acceptance, unless my financial situation looks good.

Nothing else to say. I'm learning not care so much.

Last night, I went to a party with a lot of old acquaintances/friends. I feel instantly welcomed within that group of people and it's cool being around people that I've known for more than a couple months. I had a really great conversation with a Christian guy (who's actually the mysterious fourth roommate) about his soon-to-be engagement and I told him all my boy problems. I think thus far, he's been the first person, to put this into perspective for me. He told me to always follow my instincts and do whatever feels right, even if no one else understands. He told me to give it time and regardless of what happens, something good will come of it. Even if that means meeting the equivalent or better. He told me how he's had the same type of luck all of his life. He's 25 years old and a couple months ago, he met his dream girl and she is just as crazy about him as he is her. It was just the most reassuring thought knowing that even though I do think my time's running out, I still have so many years and so many places to go and people to meet. For right now, though, THIS feels right and like I promised him, even if things don't work out to my advantage, I'll be okay. Before he left, he gave me the biggest hug and told me that he hopes that I find something to believe in. He said he doesn't necessarily want me to accept Christianity and that he's okay with me hating, but he said I deserve to believe in something. This guy ruled.

Last night also made me realize that no matter how much I love being around these people, sometimes, it's just not worth it. How shitty I feel afterwards just doesn't seem to be worth it anymore. If this battle theory makes sense, then I've lost 100% and it's time for me to leave. Permanently. It doesn't mean I don't love these people, but it hurts me more to see them. The distance and not knowing what they're up to helps. It's just pieces of my past that I'm trying to forget. It was a piece of time where I felt alienated by everyone I met. That's why I was so uncomfortable all those years. That's why I'd believe in anything, because I didn't know what else to do. I feel like 3 years of my life were spent trying to adhere to their standards. It's not their fault, it's mine.. but I know they can't understand that. They're still here, doing the same things, with the same people, in a slightly different location, but minus me. I don't know if I should feel good about that or not. I guess really, there's no way to feel about it.

I've been spending too much time around here and thinking. I miss my best friend, I miss drunk basement shows, I miss meeting people who I wanted to meet, I miss you.

It's kind of strange to think that this could be my last week in this bedroom, my last week of Newark High School.. ever. As soon as I settle into something, it's time to pack up and move again. This time, I don't really have another choice. I hope the pettiness of adults, which tends to be ten times worse, will blow over. My mind is in a thousand different places right now.

I'm getting sick. I need a job. I want to move out now.

Today was definitely the reassurance I needed. For a little, I forgot what completely drove me to want to get up, go to school, do well in school, and actually try when applying to colleges. Basically, today, during English, my guidance counselor came in to tell me that I successfully dropped AP Economics. That was great news in itself. About 75% of my stress is gone now. I told her I was going to try to aide for a teacher and that once I asked the teachers I had in mind, I'd come back to let her know who I'd be aiding for. I went back into the classroom and was telling my friend how badly I hoped my old Psych teacher had a CP class during 8th block and that I hoped he needed an aid. Literally second later, my guidance counselor walks back in and says, "Melissa, you had Martel for AP Psych last year, right? Well, he's looking for an aide for his 8th block CP class. Go ask him." I ran to him before Spanish to ask if I could aide and he was just as excited as I was. When I got to his class to aide today, I got extremely excited. That classroom started so much. I got to grade quizzes and listen to his lecture. I've already learned about 5 new things. I felt so nerdy, stopping between my Environmental notes to listen to him. All I know is, THIS is the thing I really love. There is nothing else that compares. This year is going to rule. I'm taking classes I'm actually interested in, the workload is heavy although not as heavy as it was when I was still in Econ, but it's extremely enjoyable work. I also get to take a Psych class, without technically being in the class. It's also an entirely different curriculum.. so I'll actually be learning new things.

My birthday is in less than a month now. Fest is in a little over a month. Autumn is here NOW. Things are slowly working their way back up. Only one thing missing and I think this is the best plan I've had yet.

My days have become extremely routine. I wake up, shower, drink a large amount of coffee to keep myself awake/sane, go through classes, come home, lay around for hours, start on homework, eat, homework, lay around, homework til I decide it's time for bed. It seems as if my body doesn't require nearly as much sleep as it used to. Maybe it's the caffeine counteracting with the stress I've put on myself. Who knows.

I went out to dinner and got pedicures with my mom today. That was a nice shift around in my "routine." She's trying to get me a car at the moment. I don't even ask her for these things and I can't help but feel that I really really don't deserve a lot of the things I'm given so easily. Even if I don't end up getting this car, once the money from my grandmother's (mom's mom) case comes in, she's using a portion to buy me at least a shitty car so I don't have to rely on my grandmother's anymore. Even if none of this works out, the fact that I have a mother who is willing to just hand me these kinds of things makes me feel extremely lazy, selfish, and also extremely grateful. We'll see what happens.

In the mean time, I'm rediscovering some of the great aspects of Autumn that I've seem to forgotten. I've been reading a ton lately. Even just the short stories we're told to read in my English class, I can feel my intelligence and understanding of something as general as myself broadening. I've been writing short stories, poems, one-line stories, and little notes all over the place. I've been listening to older Autumn music on repeat and trying my absolute hardest to stop being so miserable all the time. This includes, drives with the windows down, The Weakerthans blasting, and texting a really great guy that has turned into a big brother type. Whether he realizes it or not, he's becoming a really big part of my life.

Rambling. I don't even know what to say anymore. Looking forward to switching things up and hopefully seeing some improvement. I'm not giving up anytime soon.

I'm starting a new exercise. An exercise that will exercise whatever creativity I have left.

It's been years since I've written daily and I still think it's the only thing missing.

From this day forward, I'll be writing at least a short story daily. Even if it's stupid and based on events occurring in my life, I'm still going to write it. Most of them will be posted here and others will be scribbled in my notebook. It depends where I am when the story is written and how lazy I may or may not be feeling that day.

This is me apologizing in advance for all my thoughts being transformed into a messy short story that no one can ever understand.

She was gracefully born without a mouth. Her first year, she spoke of existence and the beauty of where she had just resided. She mastered the art of twisting and hiding this year. An art that would never get her anywhere.

As she grew older, she learned how to communicate. Her twisting and inability to speak made this a difficult task. She spoke with her actions, but her body moved less than her mouth did. Maybe that's why she never got the chance to know so many people.

One morning, she fell into a trap. A trap that had been set out for her since the day she was born. She spent her time gathering and observing in this tiny new world. She found early Christmas gifts, ancient jewelry, clothes that weren't her size, and enough words to compensate for the last 18 years. She spent the next 50 trying to figure out how to use them.

The day she stopped trying, she found her mouth.
The mouth that had been missing since the day she was born.

She found her mouth and now, now she was dead.

Spring forward, fall back down

You're so good at making me the happiest and immediately after, the saddest girl on the east coast.

"I'm trying not to wonder where you are."

The sound of passing cars isn't always enough

weaving in and out

getting stuck in between

cold grass that feels wet

and muddy toes

cold nose kisses

backpack security on the walk back to your apartment

we were lost but we confidently led the way

weaving out

catching colds

i'll

talk

to

you

soon

001. Sometimes it really does just take a night out with some awesome people to remember that life isn't all that bad. Getting too drunk, dancing with strangers, texting a boy from the past, almost passing out in a field, veggie burgers at a diner at 3 in the morning, walking home, laying in fields to continue conversation, and then sneaking into my house... SERIOUSLY sums up my entire life.

002. It's kind of scary how much your voice brightens up everything. Even just the thought of it makes me so happy.

003. My dad is moving in and my life is about to drastically change.

Sometimes, it's just easier this way. I understand why this became such a routine a couple years ago. Not knowing is better than finding out, but only 50% of the time. The other 50% is too distant and unknown. It's getting so chilly outside and I shouldn't be feeling like this at all.

I dropped my Economics course because well, I'm lazy. Doing 4 hours of homework on a regular basis and still not totally being able to understand what I was supposed to understand. Now that that's out of my way, my stress levels will decrease and hopefully my general happiness level will increase. I feel like such a baby always finding SOMETHING to complain about, but I guess it's not my fault. There's always something missing and right now, I'm able to identify it but I'm not able to pursue it. What a difficult concept to let yourself follow.

We drove to Philadelphia at 11 last night to get vegan pizza at Ed's. It was comforting, but it made me realize how badly I want to relive this summer. THIS is the period of time that I'm supposed to be excited, but I'm just not. I'm still just going through the motions, not taking anything seriously. The answer is always the same.

I just miss my best friend.

Secretly, I'm okay with this.

I took a personality test today.

Are we what we are or what we want to be?

Weak's a good way to put it..

I've spent most of today moping around, not getting anything done, and now I'm extremely far behind. I have to use all of tomorrow to get the mass amount of homework I have to do and do well on a test on a book I didn't even read. My room's a mess. I miss my mom (both of them.) It feels like I've been awake for 10 days straight. I just want to be back in Baltimore or at a house show in Philly with people I love being around. Instead, I've got another year of stressing more than I've ever stressed before. I could think of so many things to complain about, but I won't.

I just have really bad luck. I need to stop trying so hard. This time, for my own sake.

No matter what, I always feel like shit when I come home. Even if I'm only gone for 2 days. There's been this bad feeling in my stomach since the beginning of August. I always have a bad feeling when I'm in Delaware. I feel like I'm going to throw up 90% of the time here. I don't know how I came to hate a place so much. This isn't where I should be. I just miss you.

"Take me back to your bed. I love you so much that it hurts my head."

Cute crusty art dude who thinks I'm cute too. Feeling welcome. Getting lost. Sleeping diagonal. Dancing. Getting sweaty. Too many "Nice to meet you"s. A hand full of good people. Feeling boring. 13 year old me.

I might want to make myself a little home in Baltimore.

As much as people say they do, they don't.

This weekend has already felt like a lifetime. There is nothing worse than sitting alone indoors while there's a million other things you'd rather be doing. I've already finished most of the homework I have that isn't even due until next week. Sometimes I regret cutting the ties I had with people around here. I wish there were people that I felt comfortable calling up on a Saturday night to see what was going on. Everyone just feels like half-friends. If I see you, I see you.

This sucks. I didn't expect these weeks to feel like last summer, but they do and it might be worse.

I tried to be as productive as possible today.

I woke up extremely hung over around 9. I drank two bottles of water, took a vitamin, and went back to sleep for 4 hours. I woke up feeling fine, but my mind was going a little crazy. I made myself a really good lunch of rice, beans and veggies. I got ready to go to the mall with my mom and Brett. I picked Brett up and we met my mom at the mall. I got a new planner that resembles the tattoo I want, a flannel, some make-up, and some nose rings.. which by the way I can't put in because I can't get my current hoop out? Anyway, while I was getting the nose rings, I decided to just go for it and pick up an application for Hot Topic. Turns out, I knew the girl working from many years ago so I'm already off to a good start. Fingers crossed. I need a job and although it's not my favorite store in the world, I know it's a place that I won't have to fake positive energy hahaha. I got some sushi at the mall. Drove home. Finished outlining my chapter for Environmental and cleaned out my backpack.

Friday nights rule.......

I know I always say I'm going to take a break from drinking, but I really think I'm going to this time. At least, I'm going to cut back a lot and stop drinking liquor. Having a couple beers is different than taking 10 shots and making really stupid decisions. It always results in me coming home, crying, and regretting doing whatever I did. Sometimes it's not even that bad. I get off so easily because I always put myself in these situations with trustworthy people, but at some point, I'm not going to be so lucky.

Last night went extremely well (at first.) I got to Hannah's with Sydney. Chelsea, Amina, Britta, and Sara were already there.. with Hannah, of course. We drank mixed drinks, ate vegan deserts, talked about boys, and played a cute little card game. It's weird how comfortable I instantly felt around them. I know I always regret how little credit I give some of the people around here. Even if I can't totally relate to some people, at least there's still the effort. Feeling welcomed and enjoying a conversation is what really matters. Some more girls showed up later and things got a lot less personal, but it was still fun. After this, I made a stupid decision and some things I kind f wish didn't happen happened. That's life, though. Being 17 means making stupid decisions sometimes. All I know is, I'm lucky for having understanding/forgiving friends in my life.

So, where do I go from here? I am definitely cutting back on the drinking. I've never made so many regretable decisions until drinking became a bigger part of my life. I know this means something and I know it means that I shouldn't do it as often as I do. I'm going to monitor myself more. I know my limit and I know that liquor needs to be out of the picture completely. I'll let myself have drunk fun, but not TOO much. I have a crush on a boy and for the first time in a long time, I'm letting it work itself out. I'm not trying too hard. When I see him, I'll see how I feel about him and how he acts towards me. If he's not interested, then it's his loss. At least I know I tried and did it the right way this time.

I've never meant it more when I've said that I've completely lost my mind.

I've lost my mind.

Your smile didn't help matters tonight.

Today was an okay kinda day. Homeroom and just talking to Taylor like it was sophomore year again was cool. I do miss her sometimes, even though we're entirely different people and having a conversation isn't always the easiest. Environmental ruled. So far, I think it's safe to say that it's my favorite class. Photography was slow. I am very sure that at some point, the teacher and I are going to get into some type of disagreement. We went into the darkroom (which is a lot darker than I expected) and I got even more excited to take this up. My math class is going to double as a study hall, I'm sure of this now. I started outlining the first chapter for environmental during lunch. Listened to a stupid conversation. Went to yearbook, felt in between and really tired. Came home. Ate tacos. Watched twin peaks. Took a nap. Now, I'm going to get as much school work as I can done until I meet up with Sydney around 9. We're walking into Newark and going to a girl's name at Hannah's. A girl's night with a lot of girls I only know from drunk dancing at parties. Interested to see how this goes. I know I don't like a lot of people around here, but maybe this will change my mind.

Luck and calendars fell into my favor last night. No nerves, just excitement. Can't wait to see you.

Give people who mean a lot. In absolutely no order:

001. Mamabear

002. Ashley

003. Tesla

004. Brett

005. Nick

Six things I wish I'd never done

I thought about this for a little and I don't think I'll be able to come up with six.

001. I wish I didn't fuck up my freshman year. I was in such a "fuck school, fuck my parents, fuck everything." mentality that I couldn't see into my future at all. Now that it's starting to reflect on me as a student and how much I care, I see how badly I fucked up. I just wish I wasn't spending all this time trying to undo my mistakes.

002. I wish I never dropped my "Fuck boys, I don't need them." mentality I used to have. I don't know when I turned into such a hopeless romantic. It was probably the first time I ever really cared about another person. I just wish it never happened because it would've saved me a lot of time.

003. I wish I explored more of my creativity when I was younger. I always really limited myself, mostly due to extreme amounts of anxiety. I have no idea where I could be now and what I'm missing out on. I could have some strange passion that I'll never really get to find out about because I'm running out of free time.


Welp, I think that's it.

Maybe that's why I never got the chance to know so many people.

I think part of the reason why I get bummed so easily is because of how happy I am when I am happy. I've always had trouble finding a good medium, for basically everything in my life. If I'm happy, I'm ecstatic and there's usually no good reason. If I'm upset, I'm miserable and it's always for no good reason. The rest of the time, I don't feel anything at all. I don't know what this means at all.

Today was an alright kind of day. I woke up exhausted. Took my time getting ready since I've been waking up an hour and a half before I need to leave my house. That's nice. I hate rushing. Tried having conversation in homeroom today with a couple old friends. I get bored so easily. English was pretty cool. My teacher is away because of a surgery she recently had. She left us a very broad and vague topic to write about: ourselves. Surprisingly, I had an extremely easy time writing about this. I wrote a couple pages about this past summer and the impact it had on me, while others wrote about what college they were planning to apply to and what major they were interested in. Spanish was spanish. Like I said, nothing's really changed. My extra math class that's needed to graduate was stupid. I sat with kids who talked about how much they hated school and how much they loved smoking weed. They actually left to smoke halfway through the class. Sitting alone and reading during lunch every day it seems. Voluntary loner. My economics class seemed kind of iffy in the beginning, but I don't think I'm going to drop it. The teacher rules and seems like someone I'd like to get to know. It's too bad that other AP students are such assholes who sincerely believe they're superior to everyone else in the school. How am I ever going to have a conversation with them? I came home, slept, ate, and now I'm doing this.

From a more distant view, I thought pursuing you would be a little easier. In fact, I was told by various people that pursuing you WOULD be easy. We all know that's never ever true in my case. I'm sitting this one out, waiting a little, and hoping that it'll only mean good things later. I can't wait to see you, that's all.

Four day weekend starting tomorrow at 2:00. I can stay in Delaware and try to enjoy being around some familiar faces. Joanna's birthday party on Friday and Andrew's show on Saturday.. or I can go to Baltimore and ensure that I'll have a good time. I just need to figure out how buses work from here to there. OR I can go to Philly, see some familiar faces that I actually want to see, and then leave with good or bad news. Avoiding that stress and waiting it out seems like a better idea. I don't want to have to deal with any of that just yet. So, I think staying out of Philly for at least a week is a good idea. Even though I may have plans with a friend up there. We'll see.

... I've been using this blogspot way too much lately.

Seven things that cross my mind a lot (RIGHT now, not in general):

001. The future and where I'm going to be in a year.

002. How badly I want to fall in love again. I hate that I'm such a girl when it comes to this.

003. Fest!

004. What I'm doing this weekend.

005. School and what I need to get done.

006. Music.

007. I'm also usually writing a story in my head.

Maybe it was just being on my favorite drug, but today was so good. I went in to school without feeling like anything changed. All of my teachers from this half of the classes rule. I'm so stoked on Environmental and learning things I consider important. My photography class will be.. interesting? I am actually looking into it as a creative outlet and I'm looking forward to seeing what I'll be able to accomplish, while others are looking for an easy elective course. My math class is what I expected, but maybe a little worse. The teacher is adorable, though. She's such a sweetheart. At lunch, I ate my pb&j and read my Emma Goldman book when a girl asked if she could sit with me. Flattered, since clearly, I was somewhat interesting. We talked for the rest of our lunch with very few awkward pauses. She just moved here from Philly and she hates it. I wish I could've been more comforting, but I told her not to worry about making new friends here because everyone sucks anyway. I could tell she was trying to get me to say that I'd hang out with her, but I'm sick of making fake promises. We have a class together tomorrow, so we'll see. Maybe a friendship will come out of this, but I don't care. Yearbook feels like Junior year English class all over again. Throughout the entire day, I couldn't help but keep a particular dude on my mind. I don't know why or how this happened, but I just know I can't wait to see you again.

Tomorrow will include English, Spanish, my other math class, and Econ.

I feel so productive already. I feel 1o times better than I did a week ago. This is what I needed.

I'd like to fall asleep to the beat of you breathing, in a room near a truck stop, on a highway somewhere.

It really really feels like the night before the first day of school. I'm laying in my bed, drinking tea, eating pretzels, talking to my school friends about tomorrow. It is the strangest feeling knowing that this is the last time I'll ever have this feeling. This is the last time I'll be in a parent/grandparent's house, alone, waiting to fall asleep at 10:00 then waking up in 7 hours. By this time next year, I'll be living in Philly with Tesla and whoever else, probably eating dinner or something on our porch. I just talked to Alex about it and we're both just amazed at how far we've both come and that we're both still around even just a little. Maybe about 4 years ago, his mom told us that the next years were going to seem to get shorter and shorter. It's proven to be true.

I would type out a long entry about summer 2010, but I don't think it's necessary. This was the summer of change and growing up and finding some sort of independence. I met the greatest people, some not so great people, saw some amazing bands, tried new things, found a home in another state, learned more than I thought possible, had my heart broken, felt unbelievably embarrassed multiple times, felt happier than I ever have, traveled far distances for small reasons, re-learned what it's like to be loved unconditionally by friends, but most of all and most importantly, I proved myself wrong. What seemed more like a joke just a couple of months ago all came together. This was the summer of circles because I watched the things I never thought were possible, happen. I learned that a heartbreak is not the end of the world and that I'll always be okay. I learned that I'll never be as content as I am sitting in my room, with minimal lighting, a notebook and some good music playing.

Autumn's so close and I want to make the best of it this year. I keep pushing myself into stupid traps and watching myself make poor decisions. I'm not going to chase after anything or anyone anymore. If things are meant to be, as much as I think I already know it, they WILL happen. I can only put forth so much effort until I start putting myself in a bad situation. I want to make this year count, for whatever it's worth. Maybe I'll still spend all my free time in Philadelphia, where I don't feel I'm always being judged. Maybe I'll find a place here and put that life on hold until next summer. Whatever it is, I really just want to live out this summer. I want to keep learning and keep proving myself wrong. In whatever context that may be.

Goodbye summer 2010, you were so fucking good to me.

Eight ways to win my heart (I'm taking a more romantic apporach to this):

001. Take on a vegan or at least vegetarian lifestyle. I'm not okay with kissing a boy who just ate a cheeseburger. I'd rather be dating someone who I can go find new vegan restaurants with and cook with. I'd date a meat-eater, but I'd like them less.

002. Enjoy being social. Point blank. I don't want to date a dude that's always going to want to sit inside all day alone.

003. Drink/smoke. I want a boyfriend I can get drunk with then walk home to go cuddle.

004. Musically inclined. I've always dated musicians for a reason. A dude that makes good music is extremely attractive. I like going to my boyfriend's shows.

005. Tall... just yeah, be tall.

006. Be somewhat concerned with appearance/hygiene. I'm okay with dating a crusty dude, but there is a point where I draw a line. Weeks without showering is not someone I'm going to want to get close to.

007. Keep an open mind/don't be judgmental. Racism, stereotypes, intolerance, etc. is not EVER okay with me.

008. Be able to teach me something and let me teach you something in return. I want to share music, books, ideas, and experiences.


... If this boy exists, come find me.

Maybe a little repetitive. More than usual.

As soon as I think I'm starting to figure it out, I learn (the hard way) that I'm not at all. I have no idea what I'm doing wrong.. at all. Things are one way one day and totally different the next. It always just leaves me feeling stupid. I need to stay in Delaware for a little and rethink my entire situation. Where do I REALLY want to move next year? Do I really want to feel like this and not be able to run back home where it doesn't matter?

This time, I'm going to let them come to me.

List

001. This seems to be a really difficult time for a lot of my friends. It's never easy having to sit back and see your friends go through a ton of shit they don't deserve. I wish I was better at cheering people up. All I can do is listen sometimes.

002. This weekend, for being the last weekend of summer, was not very impressive. Maybe I'm asking too much and I know this is how it always goes. The only good part was that incredibly liberating feeling I got looking right past you. Also, spending time in the city and getting super smelly and walking to Satellite in the morning for a bagel with vegan cream cheese.

003. With that being said, someone I've always kind of had my eye on made their way into my life.. whether they realize it or not. Having a conversation with someone who actually seemed like they wanted to really ruled. I'm going to try my very hardest to keep my emotions under control this time. I'm not letting myself get too ahead. Promise.

004. Summer is basically over.. tomorrow is the last official day and I'm super bummed about it. However, I did manage to finish 2/3 books and basically complete the two projects I had to do. Now, I just have to get some basic school supplies, fix my camera, watch a shitty movie, get back on a normal sleep schedule and have the best senior year ever.

005. I've really been testing my limits lately. Am I willing to spend time with a total stranger/stay at their house to see how I react without my close friends around? I've learned that I am WAY too dependent on the people I'm closest to. Going to a show/party without them feels strange, but it's something I'm glad I'm getting better at. Good times to be had.

006. Family drama's weighing me down. I find myself wishing sometimes (a lot) that we're all back to when we first moved into Pike Creek. We'd sit around, eat dinner together and do a lot of talking. Now, we're all split up across the state and I don't think I've said more than 5 words to my dad in 5 months.

007. I'm excited for this upcoming school year but I'm not excited to be surrounded by people that I don't understand/don't understand me. I recently met a really nice dude that warned me not to get sucked into the pressures of being a little more socially acceptable by their high school definition. I told him I'm the last person that would ever let themselves get sucked into anything of the sort. It's not that I hate everyone, I just don't like the majority I have to be around. Senior year means as much to me as the book I just had to read. I want to surround myself around people I feel I'll be able to learn and benefit from... which is not in my high school.

008. Sometimes and more recently, I really think I've begun to totally lose my mind.

009. It stills feel like autumn. I'm feeling super hopeful. Don't let me down.. please.

End.

9 things about myself:

001. As much as people think they've figured me out, no one ever really has. My moods are totally inconsistent and it's really hard to tell when I'm actually happy or actually sad. Somtimes I'll seem really excited, but I don't really care. No one has ever been able to decipher the difference. I'm okay with that.

002. I lie about really stupid little things sometimes, just because it gets on my nerves when people think they always need to prove that they're right. If I'm arguing with someone over something stupid, I'll throw in little lies just to get them to shut up.

003. I absolutely never know what I want. I am potentially the most indecisive person in the world. Once I do find something I want and am totally sure of it, it's extremely hard for me to let go.

004. I get attached to people way too easily. My dependency on people and intangible things is my biggest flaw.

005. I am both very confident and very insecure. It makes no sense and it drives me crazy sometimes.

006. I lose interest very quickly.

007. I'm the kind of person that gives out 22453 chances.

008. I don't learn from my mistakes. I always think people will prove me wrong.. they never do.

009. At the end of the day, I realize that I'm in total control of my thoughts/feelings/surroundings and the way I perceive them and the way I present myself. For that very reason, I try extremely hard to be the person I want to be. At the end of the day, 90% of the time, I do think I'm an awesome person.

001. There are little things I do that remind me of you because you really really inspire me. We've only met a couple times, but I completely adore you. I hope you're always happy, you seem to deserve it way more than most.

002. I am honestly terrified of you, but I am so confident that you'll fix everything.

003. You're everything I could've hoped for. Thanks for being so accepting and welcoming.

004. Even just the idea of you makes me laugh. You seem like such a great dude. I want to be better friends.

005. I'm in denial most of the time, but I do realize it could never work out. You're too nice for your own good. Stay in my life! I want you around always.

006. I always have trouble seeing the good in people, but you've proven to me that even when you think there's nothing left, there is. You're an incredibly talented girl who is always down for doing whatever with whoever, whenever. Something I look up to. Thanks for always missing me too.

007. There's nothing special about you, but I'm still jealous of you. Maybe it's because you're living out the life that I want to live. I know you know this and when you rub it in my face, it only makes me hate you more. But I really don't hate you at all.

008. Stop being so judgmental. It's getting harder and harder to defend you, because I see a really great person underneath it all.

009. You're quiet, but I can see so much whenever I look at you. You drift around and seem to be stuck in the 80s. I'm fascinated by you, but no one could ever know. I see the way we look at each other and the way we smile, but this is something I have to keep to myself. I know if we ever spoke, you'd agree. Keep being so mysterious. It's unbelievably attractive.. not that you don't already know that.

010. I wish you'd stop being so hard on yourself sometimes. Please stop crying yourself to sleep and thinking you have no one to go to. You do. You always have and always will. You're still as beautiful as the day I met you, despite what you've gone through/put yourself through.

day one: ten things you’d like to say to ten people.
day two: nine things about yourself.
day three: eight ways to win your heart.
day four: seven things that cross your mind a lot.
day five: six things you wish you’d never done.
day six: five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever).
day seven: four turn offs.
day eight: three turn ons.
day nine: two words that describe your life right now.
day ten: one confession.

Thanks, Katie. Doing this starting today.

It hasn't felt this much like autumn since I was 8 years old. I guess that means I haven't been this happy in 10 years. I have nothing to be happy about. In fact, there's very few things I have to smile about these past couple weeks. All I know is, Weakerthans albums on repeat and reading lots of books and drinking tea and writing and everything combined has left me feeling like I don't need you. At all.

I'm always be fine and I'll always feel better being alone. I've got some good friends and so many plans. There's a couple of great people in this city and I'm really letting myself remember that lately.

"It's always so good running into you."

First day knowing my best friend isn't going to be coming over was kind of weird. I ended up falling back asleep after dropping her off. I woke up to Brett calling me around 1:30, asking what time I was coming over. I was glad he woke me up. I got myself up and got ready to go to Brett's. I came in to a surprise, which was nice. It got my mind off of everything, which I know were his intentions. We got hair dye and I cut his hair at my house. He decided he needed to cut the sides a little more, which I was against unless we had clippers. Lets just say that Brett now has steps.... hahaha. I picked Taylor up right after and we all met Sydney on main. If there's one person I missed having around, it's her. We just hung out for a while til we went to a party on Skid. Nothing like nice people and smoking out of a hookah for the first time ever. Taylor and I came back to my house and we talked a little. I've been reconnecting with people from the past and although it's not a bad thing, it's just not something I really missed.. I guess. She's asleep and I spend the last hour reading a really awful book for school. Now I'm watching Jersey Shore and eating tacos alone.

I don't know what tomorrow has in store for me, but I do know what Saturday does. New friends and maybe visiting some old ones. Then I'm back in Delaware, finishing the summer work I have yet to do then becoming a hermit for the next couple months. Excited. Not so excited.

I've had to say goodbye to way too many good friends this past week. I just dropped Tesla off at the train station, I cried the whole drive home while listening to old old old Tigers Jaw. It's not 6:40 in the morning and sleep doesn't sound promising.

I miss everyone so much already.

I think it's time for me to take a long break from social networking or at least not relying on it for entertainment as much as I do. constantly knowing what you're up to and that you're not interested in talking to me isn't going to help me ever get over you.

It's felt a looottt like autumn lately. The way that my room is a little chilly with the windows open. The way it smells because of the outdoors and incense mixing. The overall feeling I get when I'm listening to Jawbreaker and my Christmas lights are on. This is honestly the only feeling I will always consistently love. It's the only feeling I could ever turn into a visual symbol and tattoo on myself. Everything else is just a concept.

I'm waking up in 3 hours to drop my best friend off at the bus stop and to say goodbye for who knows how long at this point. I don't think I'm really ready to feel as alone as I know I'll feel. I reconnected with an old good friend earlier tonight. It was cool just sitting with her, telling her how much has changed and realizing how glad I am to be in the place I am now. Even if I'm not totally there yet, I'm still a lot happier than I was a year or so ago.

I cleaned out my bedroom today. I opened a window and lit some incense. I have a way of always turning my room into a symbolic representation of my moods and where I want my life to go. I think this means I think into things way too much, but oh well. I have exactly one week until I'm back in school, back into a routine and having little free time. This summer felt endless but I'm glad it's over now. I've dug myself into a hole the past 2 months and I'm at the point where I can't get myself out of it until I start something new and forget. I don't think getting myself out is really an option anymore. I know myself better than I think and I know that once I'm set on something, if I don't get it, I can't move on. I simply have to replace that with something different. I guess starting class, yearbook, taking up a new visual art (which I'm unbelievably excited about), and trying to find a job is what's going to cover you up.. at least for now.

Spending the next couple days reading, baking, writing and trying to enjoy being around here again.

I'm trying extremely hard to stay positive the past couple days. However, driving near your house and knowing I'm not going to visit you really sucks. Not that anything's really ever changed, it's always been the same but I'm just too optimistic for my own good. I'm trying to get my life together and I'm getting super excited for the upcoming school year because I know that I'm just getting closer and closer to the place I want to be.

It feels weird knowing Autumn is approaching and I'm not going to have anyone to talk to until I fall asleep and text as soon as I wake up. Maybe I'm thinking into it too much, but I just don't see anything changing any time soon.. and maybe that's a good thing. I know it is, but I can't bring myself to believe it just yet.

Tesla's tumblr inspired me to make a list:

1. I'm getting really really excited about going back to school for some reason. I thought I wanted this year to be different and that I wanted to make friends with all of the people I've neglected the past 3 years, but this summer made me realize that I'm fine with not being friends with any of them. I'd rather spend my time at a show in Philadelphia than smoking weed in someone's basement in Delaware.

2. I've procrastinated to an extreme extent this summer as well. I still have 2 books to read and a project to do... I have about one week. I hope I can pull this off. I know I'll regret it if I don't.

3. I've realized that the dude I was so hung up on is literally insane and it's something I shouldn't be worried about. I tried so hard and it really is his loss. If he can't see that someone he's so compatible with and he thinks is cute that is openly telling him that they have feelings for him, then he's an idiot. Point blank. Life will go on.

4. I can't stop watching Twin Peaks. I regret waiting this long to watch it. I've been totally sucked in and now the majority of my day is spent watching it in my bedroom alone. I'm okay with this.

5. I'm having a hard time grasping the concept that I'll be totally on my own in one year. I'm going to be 18 in a little over a month, I'm going to be graduating in 9 months, I'm going to know where I'm going to be living in about 5 months. The start of the rest of my life is going to be figured out in less than one year. In less than one year, I'm going to be living with my closest friends in a city and going to school for something I'm in love with. I am both scared and excited by this thought, but mostly excited.

6. I've been eating horribly lately. Since I wake up so late, I usually end up eating dinner right after I wake up.. then being hungry again around 4 in the morning. I need to a) get my sleep schedule back to normal and b) stop eating so horribly..

7. I've been getting to know a guy I met a little over a month ago. I get really giggly every time we talk, mostly because I forgot what it was like for someone to WANT to talk to me. We have really good conversation and he's very sweet. New crushes rule and I'm excited to see where this could go.

8. Everyone's leaving this week. I'm so happy for them all. Sincerely. I wish I was packing up my life and going along with them, but I'm okay with being stuck here for a little longer.

9. I've decided I'm going to start making lists like this once a week. Probably every Sunday. It's a good way to get little thoughts out.

too much time to think.

I've been laying in bed literally all day. my brain's fried AGAIN. please just go away.

this was probably the wrong night to let myself sit at home alone on a saturday night. my mind is going to drive me crazy. no matter how good things get, as soon as I'm back in delaware, I feel like shit. dumb boys don't help very much either. so sick of feeling like this.

twin peaks marathons are the only thing I can think to do anymore.

yesterday was stupid (at first.) Tesla and I drove to philly to go to a show.. because I was told to go. we get there, instantly feel awkward, so we just kind of hung around and talked to each other. there's something about some people that makes me feel unbelievably unwelcomed/awkward. shows should not be like that and some dudes shouldn't be so weird and misleading.

so we texted DJ and met up with him at his house. sat there for a little til we went to Andy/Dennis/?'s house cause Menzingers are going on tour. We sat on the roof with a ton of really good people I never thought I'd end up being friends with til about 5 a.m. laughing really hard and drinking way too much. then we went back to ava house and I got the best sleep of my life.. really. we woke up kind of early cause DJ had work and I was still drunk.. we washed off the dirt from the roof in a Pathmark bathroom and drove around Philly for a while til we decided to go to Sketch. I guess I seemed miserable or something because the waitress asked if I was hungover.

We ended up coming home earlier than expected because a good friend is going away and tonight is his going away party. Everyone's going away and I miss everyone so much already.


Summer is really coming to an end and my heart is breaking. This summer turned out for the absolute best. I can't even begin to comprehend all that I've done, how much has changed, and how happy I really am with everything in my life. things can only go up and as cheesy as that is, it's just the truth.

I had a really awesome realization while I was falling asleep at 6:30 this morning. you don't seem like the type of dude that would be down to just hang out with me when my ankle was sprained, so, I'm over it.

but then I woke up and my brain is fried all over again.

the best parts of getting to know someone new is learning more little things about yourself. this already feels a little unfair.

I met someone tonight and as I asked his name, he told me and then said "You're Melissa, right?" that was cool. I don't know if that means good or bad things, but it was still flattering.

I don't want to deal with this bullshit anymore. Fuck you, dude. I hate you so much.

I got a text from my mom a couple nights ago that just said "When are you moving back in?" I was really confused by this and assumed she was kidding. She tells me she misses me on a regular basis, but I didn't know it was THIS bad. I moved out 2 years ago and now I see her maybe twice a month. It's totally my fault. I know this. Today, I felt like the only obvious choice was to drive up and see her. I gathered some ingredients and surprised her right before she left to drive her friend to work. While she was gone, I spent 2 hours cooking her a vegan dinner that I knew she wouldn't really like anyway. She finally came back, we ate in almost total silence and although I knew she didn't like the seitan steak, she ate it anyway. The minute Ashley walked in, they started fighting. This is the only thing I don't miss about living at home. The constant fighting is so mentally draining and I think that's why I had to get out. After a lot of dramatic screaming and me always just trying to mediate, Ashley ran off and called my mom some not so nice names. My mom hugged me and cried for a long time and just kept telling me how much she missed me and how glad she was with the way I've grown up. I understand how difficult of a time this is for her. Ashley's moving out in the next couple months and I don't ever see me moving back into her house. We'll both be out of state and she'll be in her lonely house with her little white puppy. Nothing breaks my heart more than knowing she'll be alone all this time. I often wish I was still 14 years old, coming home from school, avoiding my mom and constantly finding ways to sneak around. now, I'd choose an afternoon with my mom over most things. Sincerely, if I can grow up and be half of the person that is she, I'll be happy.

This month has been a weird one. It's all zooming by so quickly. I checked the date on my phone this morning and was shocked to see that August is halfway over. 3 years ago today, I was probably sitting in my bedroom in my mom's old apartment, writing in my journal, talking about how much I didn't want to go Newark High School because I wouldn't know anyone. Tesla was a new friend who I hung out with only once. I had no idea that the next couple months would shape me so much. Meeting Tyler Mullen, staying up talking to him on AIM about the scents and colors of Autumn. Meeting him after school and walking around, feeling so shy and having the biggest crush ever. Blushing when he'd call me cute and going home and gushing to my journal for hours. Then I met Tyler Yoder and had my first real boyfriend. A boyfriend that would drive with his 10:00 P.M. driving curfew. We'd go to shows together but end up sitting in his car just kissing a lot.. at least until 9:30 when he'd have to drop me off. He was the first boy that told me he loved me and I kind of believed it. Tesla just became a bigger and bigger part of my life. I met the single person that really understood me. This was about the time that Nick Broujos came into my life. I thought he was such a douchebag, but he was easy to talk to and he always felt a little different. I kept giving him and our friendship a shot. We moved down the street and 3 years later, the boy has a huge chunk of my heart. Then, Andrew Fusca came into my life. I will never forget texting him during Spanish class at Dickinson and telling him how much I liked him. I finally found my vegetarian, Tokyo Police Club listening, book reading, adorable boyfriend. Our first summer together will go down as one of the most important summers of my life. We were so so so young and had no idea what we were getting ourselves into. We were just in love. That's all there was to it. Staying up until 4 in the morning on Madison Dr. in my sister's bed, talking about our future and where we'd be in a year. I'd cry every time he had to go home to Middletown. It seemed so far and so unfair. I'd find any way I could to get down to his house, we'd cook our dinners together, we'd lay in the dark listening to floaty music, sit on the roof and smoke, we'd sleep naked just because and then I'd wake up to a bowl of oatmeal and a glass of cranberry juice. I felt important to someone and unconditionally loved for the first time. I started school again. We'd sit on the dock, embracing Autumn and falling more and more in love. I had my first experience with "high school friends" this year. They came into my life and felt like the best friends I ever had, then quickly fell apart. I wasn't hurt at all. Honestly. That Winter, I spent with Nick and Andrew.. and whoever Nick was dating at the time. We'd spend our entire weekend in Middletown. We'd smoke so so so much weed and sit around and make weird music and listen to even weirder music. We'd drive around on back roads at 2 in the morning, go to Taco Bell, then all pile into Andrew's living room and sleep. This entire Winter is a blur. Too many drugs. When Winter melted, I started falling out of love. I didn't feel the same unconditional love. I felt like the nagging girlfriend who just wanted to be in love again. I spent that entire summer alone. I baked a lot, I cried a lot. I couldn't read books and I would go to my mom's house a lot. She always worried about me. I would wish that Andrew would come back and want to spend time with me again. It never happened. I sincerely believe I hit rock bottom this summer. All I wanted was friends and consistency and to stop crying all the time. I hated everyone and never felt so betrayed. I wish I could make the memories of this summer go away forever. School started and I felt a little better because now I had more distractions. Andrew and I still hated each other. I have no idea how we managed to stay together all that time. October was the month I realized I had to do something about everything. I put myself on anti-depressants and forced myself into therapy for about a month until I realized I had total control. I stopped crying all the time and by Winter, I was as in love as I ever was. I had my few friends and my boyfriend and I was sincerely happy again. That was around the time that Andrew broke up with me. My first heart break and it fucking sucked. I would lay in the dark, sobbing uncontrollably, I stopped eating, I stopped sleeping. I stayed with my mom a lot during this time. She was the only one that could calm me down. Tesla came back into my life at this time. She was gone for 4 months, but one day, I had this gut feeling that I needed her back. So, I texted her and tried making small talk. Oddly enough, the night that I lost Andrew, I gained Tesla back. Looking back, it was the best trade I've ever made. I had a best friend again. We spent every weekend together, going to shows, driving around big cities. We both had our hearts broken but I couldn't imagine anyone better to go through all of that with. This was about the time Brett became a huge part of my life. I spent every single day with him, in the cold, filling the void of not having Andrew around anymore. We ate a lot of food and met a lot of new people. I felt genuinely supported by a friend for the first time.. ever. I dated so many dumb boys during this period of time. All of them that just felt stupid and wrong. The rest of the Winter was a blur. A lot of new friends and feeling like a human being. A lot of Tigers Jaw and new music. Spring came and I wasn't happy anymore. I had this weird urge to always run away. I couldn't bear the idea of staying in Newark at all. Thus, Philadelphia became a bigger part. We spent our days "visiting" a boy I had a huge crush on at his work, we ate vegan cheesesteaks, layed around Rittenhouse, hung out in the fountain, etc. This was the beginning of so so so much. I spend every day of Spring Break with Tesla. We'd get 6-packs, train tickets, and spend our weekends in Philly and planning out what we'd do with our summer. The rest of the school year dragged on, I was always just looking for a way to leave again. Brett and I started taking day trips to Philly and trying to meet new people. Out of it, I made some really awesome new friends. I met my mental twin, Steph and of course, Brie and Victoria. I will always love Brett for pushing me to that point. This summer, I've met people who I believe actually get me. I've made some stupid decisions and drank a lot. I drove far distances, saw some amazing bands, and never felt a dull moment. Summer 2010 was the summer of fun.. 24/7. Mostly due to my best friends and the mentality "I'm 17 and it's summer." I'm still in love with a silly boy who won't give me the time of day, I'm still pushing myself to finish out this school year and move onto the next chapter of my life. The one I've always been excited about. Getting a house with a porch with my best friends and never feeling alone.

Night Windows just came on. How appropriate.

listening to a lot of old music tonight. last winter's soundtrack. all I can help but wonder is,

where are you?








everything is changing. it'll all be gone, mutated, or new in 2 short weeks.

only thing..

something so small and so white
under blinding yellow lights
it's a wonder that I'm the first to notice
but maybe I'm not
have there been many others?
did they build you an escalator?
getting you further and further
the quick moment of desperation when you stop breathing
or your heart stops beating
or just knowing you are you
and that you still exist.

okay, my life would be about ten thousand times easier if boys were a little more honest/straight-forward with me. I wouldn't be in the awkward, uncomfortable, stupid situations I always find myself in if boys didn't lie to make me feel better. look dude, if you don't want to hang out, SAY SO. don't call me cute and tell me how bad you want to hang out if you're never going to call when you say you're going to and constantly bail. you'd be saving me a lot of humiliation and potentially a heart break. it'd suck but I'd rather know you're not interested from the beginning.

I'm getting more and more excited about the upcoming months. finishing up school. autumn weather. good music. meeting new people who I can actually have a real conversation about shit I care about with. never being in delaware to hang out with said friends.

I've also really really rediscovered how much I love baking.

I'm an idiot, but I really just can't stay away.

Hung over. Listening to stupid music. I need a good friend to lay around with today.

My life is falling together in the most perfect, hilarious, ironic ways lately. All that's happened the past week, not even, is so good. This is all that I've wanted the past couple months and it's finally working out.. without even trying. It's good knowing that despite hating everything/everyone here, there are a couple nice people left out there that want to be friends with ME.

I've officially done all that I can do and you've officially let me down.

These are things I'll never be able to understand.

a best friend is someone who texts you in the middle of laying in your bed, listening to jawbreaker and feeling sorry for yourself, saying "get ready to go. don't ask questions." then proceeds to show up at your house, drive you to philadelphia, buy you a smoothie, then just sit in rittenhouse to talk. I realize how much my best friend rules. I loooove you, mom.

a best friend also drives to west philly to illegally purchase beer for a pop punk house show in south philly tomorrow night. we may or may not end up sleeping in her car.

knowing she won't be around in a couple weeks really sucks. I'm glad she's getting out, I just wish it was with me. I don't know how I'm going to stay sane sitting around here all the time without her.

so sick of shitty people.

laying in my bed this entire weekend, listening to jawbreaker sounds like a good idea.

why is the month of august turning into the year 2009?

feeling like what you believe in and what you've always stuck up for is wrong is one of the worst feelings. you never want to be told "I told you so" by the people you love.


please don't let me down.

all I want is a tall boy who doesn't eat animals, is a sucker for 90's emo, will go to a party with me, get really drunk and not have to hang out with me the entire time, then walk home to cuddle.

I KNOW THIS BOY EXISTS.

attempting to undo all of the mistakes I've made throughout high school, academically. just registered for the SATs.

step 1 in getting the fuck out of here.

more than anything, I wish I could be okay with staying in one place for long periods of time. I also wish I was more able to "flow" through life without constantly looking back and wishing and hoping that things will be different later on. I hate thinking about previous relationships, ideas, or even just conversations and thinking of the million little things I could've done differently to make it better.

even good excuses are still excuses. I feel nauseous 70% of the time these days simply from over-thinking everything I could possibly over think. for the first time since I came to the realization, I'm excited to be alone these next couple months. it's the only way I can bring myself back down and remember what's important. I'm going to read all the books in my collection, do really well in school and save all the money I can so I can FINALLY live the life I've been wanting to live. a big city, a porch, and my best friend. I don't need you because you don't need me. that and you're just an asshole.

yesterday, drew, tesla and i headed to south philly for a show show to see captain, we're sinking. we felt awkward instantly because it seems as if all the kids in philly as so cliquey and unwelcoming. so we went on a couple walks, trying to kill time til captain played. drew came back with a 12 pack of pbr for us so we started drinking. of course, the night drastically improved from there. making new friends, singing really loud. it just shows how easily i can prove myself wrong. i have to stop being so judgmental and assuming that everyone's an asshole. after a while, i went on a little walk with a boy and told him basically everything i've been wanting to tell him. it wasn't exactly the ideal conversation, but i'm glad i finally got it out. at least i know i tried. really really tried.

I've never put myself out there like I did tonight. We'll see what happens.

There is hope for us. There are constants we can't define. Is it all used up? Are we out of time?

Did you celebrate without me?
Did you tell them all about me?
Did you sell me out?
If you ever had a doubt..
Kiss me on the mouth.

woke up yesterday afternoon to brett sleeping on my floor and my dad with a job application. I filled it out in the sun and waited to tesla to pick us up. we're fucking the system in a totally new way this time. we drove to the delaware water gap and didn't get there until the sun was basically set. we set up camp in the dark and tried starting a fire but failed miserably. i had to cook dinner over a fire that was half there. i got a ton of bugs all over my veggie burger and about 10,000 bug bites. we freaked ourselves out, but made some nice new friends who were camping next to us with about 15 little kids. they helped fix our fire. once we ate cold food that was covered in bugs, we decided to go to sleep. it wasn't the best experience I've ever had, but it was nice just being away from here for a little. I actually slept in until 10:30 which never happens while I'm camping. we drove around for about 2 hours looking for water we could go swimming in (for free.) once we finally found a cute little place called turtle beach, we swam around for about an hour until we realized we were all hungry. we left to go to sheetz for burritos (of course.) we ended up taking a longer route home, driving around my favorite parts of pa. tesla and I talked a lot once we dropped brett off and I just can't stop feeling so nostalgic lately. I really realized today that this autumn is going to suck. nick's going to baltimore, tesla's going to seattle, ashley's going to philly or somewhere farther, and I have no idea where brett is going to be. this is going to be the first birthday in a couple years that I'll be spending without one of them. it makes me miss andrew a lot. not in a way that I want us to be together again, but just in a way that I really wish we were able to be closer. he's so opposed to it, but I guess I can't blame him.

I've spent the past 3 hours listening to the ergs and eating pizza and wishing you were here. I need to grow up.

a lot of messy thoughts..

wishing I was there, not here. knowing you are you.

I went through my entire contacts list on my phone looking for someone to invite camping, when I realized, I really don't like anyone around here anymore. there's no one in my contacts list, minus a very select few people, who I am willing to spend more than a couple hours with. I don't know if this means I need to stop being so stupid or if I really just need to meet some new people already. this next year is going to drag on. at least I have a flight to Seattle and the fest in Florida to look forward to.


I'm brushing my teeth twice a day and flossing. I've been cooking all my own meals. I've been reading books and writing in my notebook at least once a day. things are finally going back to normal... somewhat. school's starting in a little over 3 weeks and honestly, I'm relieved. this summer kind of showed me how capable I am of dumbing myself down and putting myself into stupid situations I don't want to be in. things I never once thought I'd do to myself. hopefully it IS just summer.

I've got a couple more days..... I've never been this worried or nervous for anything in my life. but hey, at least I know I can't go to you for help if I need it.


when you come back to reality, even when you hate it as much as I know you do, will I still exist? I spent a lot of today trying to figure out how to keep you around. if I should, if you want to still be around, if I want you to be... but I realized I do. you mean a lot to me already. we'll see where things go.. even just on the friendliest level. I know you trust me just as much as I trust you.

I never believed in karma until this summer.

please please please just come back.

tomorrow, I'm selling most of my stuff that's worth anything to anyone else. including my first guitar. I'm doing this all to be able to drive down to virginia for a day with my best friends to go to a show to see another friend and one of my favorite bands. maybe we are crazy, but I really do love us.

I've learned that most people in this state are crazy. I'm often told how lucky I am to be able to see so many good bands or spend minimal time in my house or even in this state, but I don't feel lucky at all. this is what life is supposed to be about. I will NEVER be able to understand why some people aren't curious. some people are okay with always staying within 20 miles of their home and never getting out unless it's planned and there's a purpose. I don't have a job, I don't have a car, but I do have a lot of determination and the most intense need to get away as much as I can. I've been home maybe 10 days total this entire summer. all the others, I've been in a weird city, in a stranger's house, sleeping in a park, washing my hair with water bottles, stealing food or just with the people I love most. that's what it's all about. It makes me so sad knowing that some of you are still so concerned about your jobs and lack of money to go out and do whatever you want. you're all in your late teens or early twenties.. go out and live while you still can. or stop complaining and stop telling me I'm lucky. I don't have any advantage.

"So close to death, Maman must have felt free then and ready to live it all again. and I felt ready to live it all again too. As if that blind rage has washed me clean, rid me of hope, for the first time, in that night alive with signs and stars, I opened myself to the indifference of the world. Finding it so much like myself -- so like a brother, really -- I felt that I had been happy and that I was happy again. For everything to be consummated, for me to feel less alone."

there is so much I have to say today. I guess I'll try to sum it up as best I can.

1. Falling asleep in summer, in the coolest bedroom overlooking balitmore ave., windows open, city noises.. there is NOTHING that compare to that feeling. helping andrew move today just reminded me how close living in a city is and how excited I am about it. waking up to some great people, walking to vegan cafes and getting breakfast is the best feeling.

2. I never thought into when I was younger, but this is the first summer that it ever really applied to me.. but I've never realized how important a guy asking for my consent before doing anything (even just kissing/touching..) is. getting put into situations that I really don't want to be in and not knowing how to back myself out of them sucks. I'm the most non-confrontational person I know. it's something I absolutely need to change. no more feeling like I HAVE to kiss a boy I don't like, or hold hands with them, or cuddle, or anything else. I want all of these things to actually mean something again. guys, stop being assholes and respect girls. if I won't make eye contact with you, what in the world makes you think I want to kiss you? don't be so stupid. although I do realize this is half my fault for not ever saying anything.

I don't really know what to think anymore. I spent the past 2 hours crying over how badly I wanted to get out of this place. I'll delete this entry once I'm sober, probably.


I don't know how to feel about you.

Realizing

It was just bad timing. If it's meant to be, you'll come back. I'm sure of this now. It still sucks seeing you and knowing you're doing your own thing now, but it doesn't mean nothing will ever happen. I hope everything's working out as well as I told you it would.

today felt a lot like autumn. I laid around, read a lot, I even started writing a story after hanging out in my grandma's closet for a while and feeling strangely inspired.

"I've always been told that I speak in a quiet voice. The way my words flow make it hard to understand me. Literally and figuratively. Maybe that's why I never got the chance to know a lot of people."

maybe I'll post the story once it's done.
maybe not.

I'm at my mom's house and I realized today that I really really miss watching dishes.

genuinely just sick of assholes. sometimes I honestly think I'm better off if I stay exactly where I am. at least I can't be anymore disappointed here. I know I can't stand half of the people here. I can't stand the idea of finding out that everyone is exactly the same everywhere I go.

and they are... I'm just being hopeful.

I've got my christmas lights on, a cup of my favorite tea and I'm actually in the middle of a really great book. It's been such a long time since a book was able to grab my attention this well. Every time my phone rings, I can't help but smile. This is ridiculous but hey, it's fun to just feel this way and keep it to myself.

I don't know how to put this in a way that doesn't sound cheesy, but I haven't felt this much like myself in years. I haven't been content sitting at home on a summer night in years but this is exactly where I want to be.

Why I do the things I do, I'll never fully be able to understand. my thoughts are even irrational to me. I throw myself into this cycle, one that I'm totally aware is not good for me at all. I lie to myself to put myself in situations I shouldn't be in.

Just got my hopes up and dashed. I'm just a sucker, I guess.

today went well.

I woke up earlier than usual to go to school to help the secretary in the guidance office out. I met some nice and not so nice people, got 4 volunteer hours, and had a good conversation. I came home to Tesla waiting for me and we decided we should go get ingredient for our vegan cheesecake. so, we went to the co-op then picked Brett up. we all came back here and made spaghetti with vegan meatballs. I love our dinners together. after, we made the cheesecake. I texted Adam and went to main st. I hung out with Trevor for a while which was nice, I remembered 14 year old me calling him late at night and trying to keep my voice low so my mom wouldn't hear me. On my way home, I got a flat tire. I pulled over into a gas station because my car couldn't make it any further. I didn't know what to do til an extremely intimidating lady stopped and helped me out. Tesla and Brett ended back at my house. We watched Laguna Beach and ate the cheesecake. The cheesecake I really really wished I was sharing with you. how pathetic.

now, I'm drinking tea and STILL watching Laguna Beach with my best friend.

the end of summer seems to be coming too quickly. august is the month of preparation. i don't have much to look forward to until autumn. by this time next month, i'll be saying goodbye to my best friends. all of the people that keep me grounded will be hundreds and thousands of miles away. i'll be stuck here, trying my absolute hardest to keep myself sane through this last year of school. despite the thought making me feel sick, i'm trying to find some positives. i'm planning on undoing all my wrongs. someone very close to me came to me and told me how sad it made him to watch me burn out. i guess that was his way to help me put a name on it. this entire summer has been a strange one. i've done things i never imagined myself doing. for a while, i had no idea where i stood on anything. everything was blending together, including myself. i want to take the next year to get some kind of job, start saving up as much money as possible, put more effort into school and try to enjoy my last year in newark. sometimes getting to the places you want to go means going through the shittiest route there is. for me, that's working in a place that depresses me, going to school in a place that disgusts me and surrounding myself with people that intensify all of those feelings. i'll give them all one more shot. but this time next year, i'll be in brooklyn or philadelphia or boston or wherever else i fall in love with with the people i love doing the things that i love. what more could i possibly ask for?

as nice as good conversation, kisses, and cuddling all night without any strings attached can be, this really just isn't what I want anymore. I want consistency.. but I guess this is what being 17 is all about anyway. I hate this realization, as liberating as it is, it also just kind of sucks.

the small piece of me that can't seem to let go is beginning to understand that it's my only option left.





I feel surprisingly good.

Goals for the remainder of the summer:

1. Read these books and actually put some effort into this. I know I'll regret it in 3 months once I'm back in school-mode if I don't.
2. Hang out with my cat more. Strangely enough, I've come to the (good and bad) realization that he's going to be the most consistent thing to me for the next years.
3. Only kiss boys I have crushes on. No more stupid kisses that don't mean anything.
4. MOVE ON.

I guess the point when you feel like an idiot is where you stop.

Fuck you too, dude.

I'm running on 3 hours of sleep for the past 2 days. I just took my first shower in days. I have never been so physically exhausted in my life. I believe I can safely say that this weekend was the best weekend of this summer.

Thursday- Tesla and I woke up around 7 to finish packing, get ready, and get to Allentown by 1-ish. Andrew and Anthony picked us up, then we picked up Brett and started the drive. we hung around the city for a while, just laying around, eating, etc. Amanda and Alex picked us up around 3 and we started driving towards Berea. We stopped driving around 8 to camp at a place called gaslight campgrounds. everyone was so hospitable and it was awesome. we got invited to eat a late dinner with the owners, which we had to unfortunately decline because of the dairy/meat involved. we got some free firewood so we started a fire, played a Pink Houses tape and layed around til we got tired enough to fall asleep. this was exactly when I knew that the next couple days were going to be great.

Friday- I woke up early and actually got to take a shower. once everyone was up, we packed up our things to finish the rest of the drive to Berea. once we finally made it, we set up their tent in the new camp ground and went to go explore Cleveland. unfortunately, they weren't as into the idea of wandering the streets until we found something interesting, so we never really got to see Cleveland for what it is. after, they dropped Tesla and me off at the fest. I saw a couple of good friends and some people I wasn't expecting to see including Jared, which was such a pleasant surprise. I also, of course, met a couple awesome people as well. Pat from tj finally said something about seeing me everywhere haha. strangely enough, of all the good music I got to see this day, the Sidekicks made the night for me. their set was so so so much fun. afterwards, we went back to the campsite and Brett came with us. we went to taco bell and ate in the grass. this was around the time that we met "naked guy" as well as Brian(t) and Luke from Indiana! we all sat by the fire with some beers and I honestly could not stop laughing the entire time. "Have you ever heard about the coyahoga river that burned in 1962?" "I do penis imprints.... in homeless people's faces." "I had sex with her.... no, I said bye." "I make the best sandwiches." "I'm std free.... no, I have chlamydia."

Saturday- once again, I woke up really early and didn't know what to do with myself. so I used Brett's water jug to wash my hair. I layed in the sun for wrote for a while til everyone else woke up. We then listened to some more tapes and decided to go to a river. the river was absolutely amazing, definitely one of the nicest places I've been outdoors in a while. day 2 of Berea wasn't as good as day 1 but it was still really good. we found Steph there and I spent basically the whole day with her and some other people from around here. Lemuria was amazing and probably my favorite set of day 2. the defiance "covers" also made my day as well as Good Luck. by this time, I was getting kind of desperate for a ride to the tj show in Cleveland. no one from the show was going, because everyone that was going already left. I found Brian(t) and Luke towards the end of Good Luck's set and asked them if they were interested in going. it took them a while to decide, but they finally decided they did. I watched Brian(t) the entire drive to Cleveland and decided I had a crush on him because he seemed so unbelievably uninterested in everything. I also realized that Luke was creepishly exactly like Damian from Mean Girls. once we finally got to Cleveland and found the venue, everyone was leaving.... it didn't take too long to realize that we missed the show. so we sat outside and I talked to Adam for a little. once Brian(t) and Luke decided they wanted to go, I went to say bye to everyone and Adam started asking me how I got to Berea, etc.. when I told him, he started joking around and questioning if I'd be willing to drive his car back to his apartment in Scranton. we realized it'd be doing both of us a favor because I'd be able to get home and he wouldn't have to drive the extra 14 hours before leaving for tour. he gave us some directions and we left. we drove straight through and got to Scranton at about 9 in the morning. we slept til 12 in the back of his car then explored Scranton for a while. everything is closed in Scranton on Sundays? so we settled for some chinese food which turned out to be really really good. we walked around a mall, took some photobooth pictures, then Andrew picked us up at Adam's apartment. the drive home took 5 hours because we went out of the way for a Sheetz trip and got stuck in a lot of traffic. towards the end of the drive, we went "car crazy" and I once again, could not stop laughing.


I realized how much I love the "coming home" feeling but I also realized how much I hate being here. now that I'm back, I'm spending my time sleeping and thinking way too much. I wrote a lot while I was away to document my emotions and it's crazy how much happier I am in an unfamiliar place with a lot of really friendly strangers. it's also crazy how incredibly cold I am being in an air conditioned house, I'm used to being really hot/sweaty all of the time. I think I'd trade it for that.

slowly making the transition back to my notebook. it's the only way I can get everything out. I'm done selling myself short and watering down my thoughts.


leaving today. hopefully it will make me realize how petty my sadness is.

how much does one person need to put into something until they just give up?

It will always come back to this

In a hurry, but there's so much time. I will wait for you. Growing love, but like water, time will always slip through. I will wait for you, but please come soon.

Is it in plan written in your hand?
Believe or understand,
Something other than...

Fear is blinding lights,
Squeeze my eyes so tight,
Could you make a flower grow?
Would you let me know?

so
so
so
many


why just you?



I honestly think I'm losing my mind a little.

I'm bringing my notebook with me to Ohio. the amount of things I want to write down when I'm out but am unable to because of the lack of pen and paper is sad. I'm most inspired when I'm out, in a strange place, with new people, so I'm making a mental note to not forget it this time. I also wish I had a camera that worked. I think this trip's going to be exactly what I need.

The past couple months, I've had a hard time figuring out what I believe in. It sounds right, but it doesn't always feel right. However, sometimes, doing what I think feels right just gets me in trouble. We're all only human, shouldn't we all be a bit more forgiving?

I can't believe it's 10 in the morning, I've slept for about 6 hours, I'm exhausted.. but my mind won't let me sleep anymore. That and I haven't felt this sick (physically) in years. I can't stop sneezing or thinking of you.

I haven't felt like crying over something so little and petty in a very long time. I thought I was past this, but this just sucks. I didn't think it would affect me THIS much, but it does. I'm just sick of getting fucked over.

Everything keeps building up this week and I think I just need to get away for a little. Glad I'm leaving Thursday.

I'm also really glad Annette's home, her timing was strangely perfect. Being here, doing the same old things we did when we were 13 is comforting.

into it. over it.

"and the display of your seemingly submissive heart.."

I hate all of the pressure I make myself feel sometimes. I don't have to feel like this, I shouldn't, but I still do. today can go in many different directions.

Last night, I drove 2.5 hours to a place called long branch in jersey to see the sidekicks and foxes and lions. The drive was alright, despite almost killing us multiple times. surprising my best friend that I never get to see was awesome too.. it's sad knowing I'll only ever get to see him like 3 times a year. sidekicks' drummer was super cool and let us in for free, which saved me $20 which enabled me to make it home. after the show, we all hung out for a while then tesla, brett, and I walked over to the beach and went swimming in our underwear. the drive home felt longer, but that was probably because we stopped in "georgia" on the way back. I wish I could explain the feeling I get whenever I go to that gas station.


knowing that there's a town with nothing but strangers and maybe a good friend is one of the most comforting thoughts ever. all the more reason to get away for a while.

like trying to coax a cloud down from the sky. come down here, make me alive.

You could make this a lot easier on me.

I know it seems like it's okay. When I put everything out there, I realize it's not. This is where I draw the line.

Whenever something comes this easily, something will always come in and and create the biggest barrier between me and whatever it is that I want. We're not 14 anymore. I've tried everything I can to escape that phase, you can do the same. Where do I draw the line and when do I stop waiting around? It's been established, now it's just us. GIVE ME A BREAK.

Safe to say that this summer is making up for last summer.

Staying up til 3 playing kings cup in Andrew's kitchen rules. Drunken feelings returned. Spending really hot, almost sleepless nights in Philadelphia only to walk 300 blocks the next day. Free food. Circles.

I know I always think that this time might be different, but this really might. Fingers crossed, but expecting nothing.




I plan to spend a lot more time with this group of people.

I just need to get out.

even the ones I think I know best...

this could work..

I wish I was better at documenting my life through blogspot. It's always nice going back and reading through months later.


Yesterday, I came home kind of early. Brett and Stanley came over to help me do my hair. So far, I'm extremely excited with how well it came out.. I just wish I could finally wash it. After they left, I drove to middletown to pick up Tesla. I got some chinese food and was expecting to just come back to my house and watch documentaries. We decided to go to main street anyway, because it was nice out and we were having good conversation. We ran into Joanna and Ashley there. Then later, Andrew and Amy. We stayed with them while they ate til we ran into Chris. We all decided to go to Jim's after. So I drove Chris to his parent's house to pick up his dog. We dropped my car off then started walking towards Jim's. Amy met us outside and we went to the train tracks to drink. Andrew and Drew met us there and we all stayed there for a while.. which was surprisingly nice considering we were on train tracks. Then we walked to Jim's with Amy, but apparently everyone in this city is extremely judgemental and didn't like Chris because he was "dirty" or whatever other reasons they might've had. So, naturally, we left and went to Chris' friend's house on Madison where I ran into some old friends. We stayed there for a while and everyone was just really really nice. I need more people like that in my life. Around 4, Tesla and I decided we wanted my bed so we started walking the 2 miles back to my house. It was freezing and we were out of our minds.. but it's kind of expected from the two of us together. That might've been the most hilarious walk I've ever been on. Once we finally got to my house, we tried to be sneaky.. but of course, we were incredibly loud. We passed around some berry juice and pretzels til I puked all over my sheets... Good night.